Chapter XX
I couldn't sleep. Not that this surprised me much anymore.
Sleep had become a precarious thing- sometimes my brain just couldn't shut down, or when it did, the nightmares would prove that it hadn't entirely.
I was fine with the state of things, my afternoon naps made up for any hours lost, the upside of being locked in the mansion with not much to fill my days.
I still made up my makeshift bed on the carpeted floor each night, the normal bed still felt too wrong.
..too plush and not firm enough. My body just didn't accept it for some messed up reason and I'd stopped trying to sleep there ages ago.
I knew I was probably just prolonging the eventuality of me sleeping on a proper bed by doing this but I couldn't help it.
I didn't really care to fight it right now.
I had enough trouble fighting off nightmares as it was.
Twisting in my sheets, I felt restless for more reasons than one. One of them being that I was a little hungry. The other being something I chose to ignore.
Finally willing myself to move beyond my sheets, I threw a robe on and started for downstairs.
I'd been a little in and out of sleep for over 2 hours, not even trying to read had helped.
It made me feel groggy and slightly sweaty.
It was just past 1am and all I wanted was to be lost in dreams for a little while.
Anywhere but my present reality for a little while.
The quiet cavernous kitchen swathed itself in low light as I silently padded in. Fancy motion sensor lights changed hue according to the time of day, bathing the room in a welcoming warm yellow.
The kitchen was almost never empty of Constance, and if not her, then Arien would usually pop in, so I enjoyed the rare silence.
I reveled in the lack of eyes as I moved around getting out ingredients for a PBJ sandwich.
I could just briefly pretend that I was alone at home once more.
In my own little apartment, doing whatever I felt like doing in my alone time.
I hadn't thought about my apartment in some time actually, hadn't thought to find out if it was still around and if not, where my stuff went. I must have been kicked out by now for not paying rent but I loathed to think that all my things were just...gone.
I'd forgotten to ask about it when we went to town yesterday and maybe a part of me was scared to hear the truth of my matter - all my stuff must have been thrown away by now.
While not being the most sentimental of people, it was easier to survive that way, I still enjoyed having things of my own.
I had pieces of my life that I would've liked to save.
I couldn't think of specific items but the general loss felt like another on the ever growing list.
The ding of the toaster echoed through the empty kitchen, pulling me from my thoughts.
Sighing, I started assembling my sandwich. I hadn't managed to eat my earlier one and Constance probably disposed of it.
Toast, a little butter, too much peanut butter, artificially coloured bright red strawberry jam - yum.
I licked my fingers as I situated myself atop a bar-stool at the island, preparing to munch my AM snack, before a sound had me startling, dropping my toast on my plate.
I turned to the kitchen entrance, immediately freezing.
S?ren.
He stood just on the cusp of the doorway, drawn to a halt as soon as he noticed me.
My breathing slowed, then stalled.
I hadn't seen him in a week. And entire week. And now he was here, alone in the kitchen with me.
I remained completely still, as if the chance of me moving even an inch had the power to send him off. But also realising my silence might make him leave I quickly explained, "I couldn't sleep and felt a bit hungry so made a sandwich."
I found myself holding up a piece of my toast pathetically as if to explain.
His eyes flicked to it before looking back into the hallway, like he was just about to stride out.
In a bid to stop this, I continued, "Also couldn't sleep? I could make you one too."
I was already jumping up from my seat, not really allowing for a choice from him, not giving him the chance to leave. And I was taking the bread tin out once more, pulling a plate from the shelves.
S?renfinally broke his silence, speaking quietly, "There's no need, I was just grabbing something quickly before bed. But it's late and I should head to bed."
I turned his way briefly again, "Have a quick sandwich. I really don't mind," willing him not to leave, "It'll be quick, I also want to head back to bed soon."
An impossible second dragged on where he seemed to be weighing all options, as if this was a life changing decision.
"Okay fine." And then he was effortlessly crossing the kitchen, taking a seat.
He was staying.
I kept my lips pressed together, trying my best not to let on how my insides swooped at his continued presence.
I focused entirely on making his sandwich, trying not to do anything dumb or say anything that would make him bolt. Normal Soleil, normal. Just breathe, make a sandwich, eat and leave. Make small talk maybe, but not too much. Not enough to make him leave. Definitely no unnecessary rambling.
As I put the bread in the toaster, the realisation of what a lame sandwich I was making hit me. A peanut butter and jam sandwich? This was what you fed a child. Not a hungry grown man.
I flushed, abruptly turning,S?ren's eyes snapped my way at the sudden movement.
"I uhm just made a peanut butter sandwich because that's what I eat a lot," way to go Soleil, very sophisticated, "but what would you like on yours? What do you usually have? I know we have lots in the fridge."
Now I was striding to the fridge, pulling at the doors like they could save me from my rising embarrassment.
"Soleil." His low voice made me pause, slowly turning his way. "That's fine."
I raised a confused brow, "What? You like peanut butter?"
I immediately felt silly at my stupidly phrased question.
S?rencoolly answered, "It's fine."
"That doesn't mean you like it. I eat it cause I like it, it's kind of my comfort food since I was little, I've probably eaten way too much of it to be honest..." I trailed off, realising I was rambling, the exact thing I tried to stop myself from doing.
Pulling myself together, "What did you like to eat? Like your quick go to meal?"
Now he looked off to the side considering, I enjoyed the minute of distraction, allowing me to drink him in. Drink in his next words.
"I guess just mayo on bread." Punctuated by a wry twitch of his twitched up, just barely so.
Mayo on bread. There's no reason for those words to make me feel so light, make my insides twirl as much as they did.
"That's...atrocious."
That lip that I now couldn't look away from, quirked more.
"It grows on you. Used to make it all the time for Arien and myself."
When you had to take care of him after your mother passed. My heart twinged again, just like it had done yesterday.
My eyes landed on his hands which were lightly resting on the table now, the hands I wished I'd had contact with yesterday instead.
I'd only been able to touch him once. When I'd held onto his arms in the room. That was the only time he'd allowed me, the only time he would probably ever allow me. My stupid brain was already figuring ways to brush against him again, feel him again.
I shook my head clear of the deeply unwanted, lecherous thoughts. What was wrong with me?
"Good thing we have Constance now." I quipped, trying to pull myself from those feelings I'd felt yesterday as I learned about their past. Trying to pull myself from the unwelcome inappropriate thoughts.
"Yeah."
Silence descended once more. But it was lighter now, felt something like the glow of the warm lights - it filled the space but pleasantly.
I could hear the electronic hum of the fridge in the background, the tick of the clock on one of the appliances probably, and very softly, so softly I would've missed it had it not been the silent hour of 1 am -S?ren's steady breathing.
All this calmed me in the most delightful way.
"So I guess a peanut butter sandwich isn't too bad really when compared to mayo on bread..." I continued my prep, "My mom isn't the best chef and also just really busy so I made these every day for myself after school. Yummy and cheap."
Removing the toast from the toaster, I continued contemplating absentmindedly as his eyes followed me, "I guess more sit down dinners would have been nice. I like the idea of sitting down for a meal, have had more of that here than before actually..."
"Same."
A glance down as he thought of something, I stilled, waiting greedily, "That morning in the kitchen, well, I hadn't in awhile..."
I tried to piece together his meaning as the words slowly filled the space. The final meaning dawning slowly on my no longer groggy brain.
He was admitting that he liked the breakfast we had together.
I liked it too. More now than I had in the moment. I should have enjoyed it more in the moment, I should have paid attention to everything he did and said better. Like I was doing now.
I warmed ridiculously atS?ren'swords.
Finishing his sandwich quickly, I slid it across to him while I soaked in the feeling.
"Thanks."
And then we were eating our PBJ's in silence. And it was enough. Suddenly the week long absence dissipated. It felt like it had been endurable if only for this exact moment.
I took tiny bites, making this stretch out as long as possible. Allowing me to be this close to him. I only sneaked the occasionally lookS?ren's way, again trying to be the least overwhelming version of myself.
He looked tired. Still in a long button shirt and formal pants,S?renlooked like he'd come in straight from work.
I frowned at the thought of him working this hard. Another strike against Arien in my book,S?renwas again doing more than his share of the work while Arien always seemed to be around. Bothering me. Being useless.
"Working late?"
He nodded, looking up at me.
"Well you know, if there's anything I could help with, let me know. I have free-time, too much really. I can do quite a bit - I was a PA after-all for the mayor before..." before the criminal stuff, the guilt and embarrassment cut me off.
I didn't wantS?ren to think that's who I was, that I willingly got involved. Willingly did illegal things like lie and steal, wanting to explain myself.
"I didn't mean to get caught up in the stuff with Zodiac, and when I was working for the mayor, I was really competent, good at my job.
I take my responsibilities seriously and I guess I could have said no or-or tried to leave but I also didn't really have a choice.
It just all happened because of the mayors involvement and I couldn't get out, I'm sure you-"
Cutting off my anxious ramblings, "Soleil."
I bit my inner cheek, awaiting his judgement. No wonderS?rendidn't like me since I'd arrived. I hadn't thought much about my illegal involvement, writing it off as a means to survive. I'd reasoned my guiltyconscienceaway constantly.
But I'd had a choice, we all do.
"I know." Know what? I'd lost the train of conversation, my anxious thoughts overtaking reason.
"I know you didn't work for Zodiac willingly."
He leaned back, before standing, opening the fridge and pulling bottled waters out.
He slid one my way. I wrapped my fingers around it, the cold bottle felt good against my now too-warm hands.
"And even if I didn't. I'm the last person to care. I've done...whatever it took to get where I am. I couldn't care less. People do what they need to to survive, that can only be commended."
His words that should have alarmed me, instead calmed me.
My eyes locked on his dark ones, willing myself to believe his words, willing myself to let go of the guilt I felt. He held my gaze for a long minute, eventually breaking it to open the bottle of water.
"Yeah. He was a horrible boss anyway." I tried to joke to aid the suddenly terse mood, "I've received enough black eyes from the prick to know it wasn't-"
I cut off at the sudden noise asS?ren scraped his chair backwards. The sound echoing loud in the silent kitchen. The chair clanged loudly on the ground as it hit the tiled floor,S?ren standing impossibly fast.
"Zodiac did what?" Granite, deathly quiet words rang through the space.
I was now hyper aware of how tightly coiled he stood, his breathing came sharp and fast as he looked to be barely containing himself. The air thickened with his rising anger. My stomach tightened at the sudden change in him.
He was still looking my way, eyes darkened as he awaited an answer from me. An answer I couldn't provide, my throat was tight, dry.
I nodded. Not sure why I was nodding. But not feeling sure I could speak yet.
S?ren's fast, silently loud anger filled the kitchen.
Before I could find my voice, or pull myself from trance his dark feelings had pulled me under,S?ren was striding out.
What had just happened?