Chapter XXII
S?rencaught up to Arien at the end of the day.
Soleil was away for the late afternoon and early evening, having dinner with Constance and her family. Usually this would have unsettled him but Erik was one of the few people he trusted, well as much asS?rencould trust anyone else aside from his twin.
Which meant they had some time away from Soleil to spend together, simply as brothers.
They were generally never this...distant.
Between Arien's easy going nature, andS?ren's tamed version of himself when he was around his brother - their relationship was steadfast. Having one another was the only constant in all life had thrown their way. AndS?renwould do everything within his power to keep it that way.
"Up for a run?" he asked.
Arien had just stepped into the kitchen, looking for something to eat. "Now?"
"Yeah."
A pause, Arien considering something that would've usually been an easy answer. The image of the last time he sawS?renmaterialised sharply - of Soleil lifting his shirt, touching him, of him pulling her away from Arien.
He bit down the burning. This was his brother. They needed to get past this.
"Okay sure."
They headed out to the woods behind the property line, they owned acres of land expanding on each side. A necessity when you had a wolf to be let out and no safe pack lands to do so on.
The cool air promised them a rejuvenating run.
Both visibly loosened at the looming run. It would be just them in a baser form, the ground beneath their paws, and smell of the fresh air and soil - it would be natural. Like breathing. Allowing all the noise of recent days left behind.
Arien couldn't help the relaxed smile he threwS?ren's way, before swiftly transforming and bounding off into the trees. S?renwas on his tail instantaneously.
Time warped as they ran impossibility fast, flying really, past the trees, all the while attempting to outrun each other. Streaks of wolf forms, no longer man, just part of the surrounding nature. Whenever they managed to catch the other, they nipped bites and jostled wildly.
They were instantly younger, playful in a way their souls groaned for.
The run reminded them of the one irrefutable fact, they were each other's pack.
Once the sun finally started its descent, fur heavy and sweaty, stained with soil from the run, they transformed at a lake. And prepared to walk back home, not ready for the time of freedom to be over.
Arien andS?ren soaked inthe silence and starting nighttime noises of the woods - owls, insects buzzing, twigs snapping somewhere in the distance...
"It's a mess huh?" Arien spoke first breaking the silence, his earlier feelings untangled after the run.
"Yeah," S?ren slowed his stride to walk alongside his brother, "But I'll fix it."
A sharp laugh rang through thesusurration of theforest, "Such aS?renthing to say."
The night sounds took over once more.
Arien tried to verbalise the question that festered, "You think she'll ever come around?"
S?ren didn't seem to think this would work all the times they'd spoken before, and Arien wanted to know if he still felt that way, "I mean, hell, we can't even show her our wolf forms, I can only imagine how she'd freak."
S?ren reluctantly released words so foreign to him,"I don't know."
His words made Arien feel like he was flailing at all his attempts to change Soleil's mind. It made him feel like despondently giving up at his dream of having a mate. But then he remembered the moments where it felt like sun shone through, when it felt like they were finally making progress;
Their times in the garden.She'd walked alongside him, at ease in his presence.
Their dinner. She'd stood so close to him, close enough to breath in as she refilled his wine.
Their time in town. She'd held his hand, and he could feel the ghost of it even now.
All of this, albeit maybe foolishly, fed him hope.
"Maybe I'll just bite her as well."
S?ren's head snapped his way, grounding to a halt.
Arien hastily put his hands up with a grin, "Just a joke brother, you need to lighten up."
But even Arien couldn't miss the tension that had sparked at his mere words.
Not a good sign, they'd never had anything like this between them.
All these emotions were new between them, acidic jealousy towards his brother was new.
AndS?ren's visceral reactions at things to do with Soleil was new.
S?renknew it too, knew his reaction was overkill no matter how much he felt to be constantly restraining himself. Around Arien. Around Soleil. Every fucking second it felt like. He was more unfettered than he'd ever been.
S?ren also knew Soleil was firmly wedged between them. And yet, he couldn't find it within himself to resent her.
He thought of Arien's question, would Soleil ever come around?
How could she after everything?
Definitely not to him, not really, even the mate bond wouldn't be able to change her innate will enough to bring about that miracle.
And he'd never deserve her, could never really want her.
His past offenses stood firmly on one side and Arien stood resolutely on the other.
Posing an impossible barrier on each end.
Maybe Arien still had a chance.
But allS?rencould see were his sins. His unforgivable actions.
Regret had been another emotion foreign to him, but now it was all that stained his days. He'd fall asleep to it and wake up with it each day. It clawed at him. When he saw Soleil, all he could see was every instant of hurting her.
He saw her in that room. Shackled and in constant pain.
He heard her voice, scared and pleading. For days.
He smelt her fear as he cornered in the library. Inflicting more pain on her fragile body.
He remembered all his words, threats.Piercing her.
These moments were seared into his brain.
And allS?rencould do was push the feeling down, not react,andrestrain himself. He'd only felt this powerless once before in his life.
The better question was, did they deserve her after everything? A resounding no was the only answer to that question.
He didn't know how to verbalise all that.
Instead he just listened to Arien make plans, figuring out ways to change Soleil's mind.
I was lounging on the patio, eating fruits and chatting to my mother, "And then, what did you guys do yesterday?
"
"Oh it was sooo nice, the kids, I should stop calling them that since they're grown haha, made us a lovely dinner and we played board games.
They are truly close to their dad so I was concerned that they would not be that accepting of me, but they've been nothimg short of lovely. "
She continued on about what had been currently filling her days, most if the time it being the new man.
I could ignore the twinge of jealousy that I wasn't included.
I let it flit through me like the afternoon breeze, and then let it go.
I didn't really feel that way, I just missed her and felt left out with all this distance between us.
Maybe lonely, I wasn't sure, but I was sure that I wished her to be happy and Benjamin seemed to make her happy.
I didn't linger on the fact that she wasn't asking as often anymore when I'd be coming to visit. What did I expect after giving excuse after excuse?
Her voice through the line pulled me back, "You know, I think it's about time you found someone as well. I know you're self sufficient and oh so independent...but isn't there anyone that's caught your fancy?"
My pulse throbbed.
I sat up straight, trying to make my voice clear, breezy, "Nah, slim pickings around here. And I'm busy...I'll focus on all that...later."
A pregnant pause from her side, "Okay, hun. You know I just want you to be happy? Someone to take care of you while I'm not around would be nice..."
We ended the call after a little more silly chatting, her words rattling in my mind.
Take care of me.
The stupid words were taking root, making we want a novelty I'd never before considered much. Just like last night at Constance's home.
I could admit that that would be nice. But I didn't usually get nice things.
I shoved the thought away.
Things were too messed to long for any of that, to even think of that. That was a fantasy world. In reality I had a one-sided mark which was messing with my feelings and making me feel things that weren't actually true. Weren't actually from me.
And on the other hand, I had someone pursuing me in whom I had zero interest.
I'd never been hardwired for...romantic feelings and I guess I was waiting for the person who would change that. Like they'd appear in my life, and I'd just know.
And for all his good looks, money and generally positive attitude - Arien just wasn't that for me. It's like there was a big blank canvas in place of the one that I'd imagined filled with colour when he was around me.
It could partly be because now I knew myself to be too damaged for someone like him.
I was a nothing girl. One who did unsavoury things to get by.
I unwillingly recalledS?ren's words,'People do what they need to to survive, that can only be commended', and then promptly felt upset at myself for remembering passages of things he said. He needed to be far far away from my mind and my life.
And I was a damaged girl to boot. One plagued by nightmares most nights and memories that hurt when I let my mind wander. My moods oscillated by the days - flashes of anger, sadness that would weigh me down, dangerous depths of lack of self worth.
He helped that day in the garden, but if I was being entirely transparent, it just felt like I was playing pretend. Like I was playing at being a perfectly okay individual because I could tell when I was silent or despondent, it grated on him.
Arien would never understand that. He would never be able to accept that side of me, nor would he ever truly be able to alleviate that side of me.