Chapter XXVI
I'd just returned from the office. After a distractedly long day.
Getting through each task of the day felt like watching paint dry, and I had spent most of it floating around, lost in my day dreams.
Mainly of a few nights ago.
Of falling asleep in S?ren's bed.
And the ghost of his touch which I could still imagine branded into my palm. It didn't matter if it was only a delicious dream, it had...affected me.
S?renhadn't been there in the morning and I sorely felt his absence. I could just tell he was about to do his stupid avoidance thing, pull away like he always did after I had a taste of time with him.
My anger rose at the mere thought.
Why was he still fighting this?
Especially since I'd already given up. I was ready to lay my defenses down and embrace this, whatever this was. I had far more to lose, it felt more dangerous for me but even I was willing to take the risk, so why wasn't he? Did he not feel everything that I did?
But Arien said the mate bond would affect us, so surely it also affectedS?ren?
My hurt hurt trying to figure it out, trying uselessly to figure him out.
I walked into the foyer, still lost in my head but eager to get changed into something comfortable and find something to eat.
"Hey, Soleil!" Arien's voice caught me unawares.
Sigh, I wasn't ready to deal with him.
I'd been keeping my distance after his awkward question.
That was a whole other can of worms that I just wasn't ready to open.
That, coupled with the fact that all I could think about wasS?ren.
I currently didn't even have brain power to deal with Arien.
And truthfully...my insides felt queasy at the thought of him liking me,wantingme even, when all I could think about was his brother. Not for the first time I pondered on how messed up this mate bond was to do this to two brothers.
I also didn't know how to explain to Arien that he was confused in his feelings for me, he didn't truly know me, didn't understand all the parts of me. I don't even think he could truly like me without the bond doing his magic. We were so different, inherently incompatible.
Unlike me and S?ren.
"Oh hi, Arien. How was the day?"
"Good, uneventful."
"Same."
A moment of silence as he looked like he was about to ask me something, the opening of the front door interrupted this.
S?ren strode through, only very quickly nodding our way. My eyes tracked his movements.
His were shoulders braced, but face drawn way tighter than it usually was and eyes slightly unfocused. Small, seemingly inconsequential tells.
Something was off.
I think Arien was saying something but I couldn't really tell, too focused onS?ren's unusual look.
Only feeling slightly bad for cutting him off, "I'm real hungry and tired Arien, going to head up, let's talk later hey?"
And then I wasted no time heading back to my room, needing to change and then get something to eat.
Glancing in the direction of my new bed that I had yet to try, S?ren's journal remained under my pillow. Like a dirty little secret. I hadn't opened it yet. I was still...deciding. Talking myself out of it and back into it.
Pulling on some comfy clothes quickly, I made my mind up. I was going to be decisive for once.
Whenever the office door was shut,S?ren would be inside. He otherwise left it open. And Arien preferred to work in the office or sprawled out in the patio area. Haphazard whileS?ren remained so in control. Precise like only he could be.
I knocked but shoved the door open with my shoulder, not awaiting permission, in my hands I held a plate with two carefully crafted sandwiches.
S?ren kept his eyes trained on me as I crossed the room. Wearily, like I was up to something.
That almost made me smile but I really wasn't here to give him a hard time. Not today. I just wanted to check on him.
Trying to convey my intentions, I explained, "I'm just here to bring you a sandwich. I swear."
I picked mine off the plate and deftly slid the remaining on over to his side. Covering whatever papers he was working on.S?ren was so old school in preferring hard copies of everything, I got the impression the laptop annoyed him.
Flopping down on the armchair across his desk, I started munching on my sandwich, all the while peering his way, trying to figure out what was up with him.
"I thought you were just bringing me a sandwich,"S?ren challenged with a raised eyebrow.
"I was."
"And yet here you remain."
I shrugged.
Sighing, he leaned back a little, as if admitting defeat, eating his sandwich in quick bites.
I never wore him down this quickly, something was definitelyoff with him.
And while I didn't come here to pry, I really really didn't, I was unable to stop my questioning.
"What's wrong?"
I took another bite of my sandwich, finishing it off in the minutes between his response.
S?ren must've considered saying nothing, playing it off, or just avoiding my question. I knew that would be his first line of defense, but a sudden fatigue passed on his face, that had him directly answering.
"Work."
A bit taken aback by his honest response, I took a second to follow up, "What do you mean? You're having problems with something? Can Arien assist?"
I leaned forward anticipating his response. The admittance of his problems bothering me more than I realised it would.
S?ren leaned back further after placing his sandwich back on the table.
A punctuated exhale, "It's just been overwhelming. More so than usual. And I've been distracted, unfocused really. Projects haven't been completed on time."
I instantly slumped.
Knowing the reason for at least some of it.
Me.
S?ren didn't just lose focus, he wasn't the type to get distracted and procrastinate. His internal operating just didn't work like that. Which meant, there had to be external interference.
Namely, me. This. Whatever it was between us.
And I didn't know how to fix it. Not really.
"I thought you came here to make me feel better, not be dragged down into the dumps with me?"
WasS?ren making a...joke?
My eyes snapped back to his. A slight teasing lingered. He was.
"And aren't you supposed to be the great and fearfulS?ren? Not someone who is able to be caught in the 'dumps' as you so succinctly put it."
The corner of his lip fought to remain in line.
"Touché."
I sat in the complicated lightness of the moment.
S?ren wasn't looking my way, instead doing the very unlike-S?ren action ofreclining in his seat, eyes on the ceiling.
I sat longer. Just assessing him in the moment.
His eyes were now closed, head back and legs crossed in front. I decided that I like him this way. I know he was tired, yet it seemed to have brought him to a state of slackening.
I didn't want him to have to utterly exhaust himself first, before allowing himself relaxation. And I didn't want to be the cause of any of his turmoil.
And I knew how he felt to some extent, all I could think about wasS?ren. For most of my day, sometimes all day, every day. Like an itch you can't scratch, a craving you can't satisfy. It was exhausting and I couldn't keep doing this.
I knew, neither could he.
Walking around his desk, trying to tread lightly, I paused before him. Looming over seatedS?ren like I never got to when we stood.
I knew he could sense I'd moved, I could make out the pulse at the bottom of his neck. Beating erratically. I lived for these tells of how affected he was...by me.
Being brave, I swallowed then allowed my quiet question to fall from my lips, "Aren't you so so tired?"
S?ren's onyx eyes opened at my words. Taking in my proximity.
Then I saw the split second where his face unshuttered and I could see the pure exhaustion of it all descend. A rough hand ran down his face, younger and more tired than I'd seen him look before.
I didn't need a verbal answer, that said it all.
I stepped closer. My legs brushing his. A warmth.
"I'm tired too," my whispered admission.
Tiny, vulnerable words punctuated the space, "I'm tired of knowing what I want and not having it when it's right there.Whenyou'reright there. Within my reach. Couldn't you stop fighting this? Fighting me?"
The please went unsaid. But it was clear, my pleading was clear.
"Soleil."
My name more of an exhausted exhaled, his own plea not to ask him for this.
S?ren remainedcompletely still, I couldn't see the rise and fall of his chest any longer. Couldn't see his jaw tick as he became unyielding, a frozen version of himself.
I stepped closer still, lowering myself onto his lap with a gentle gradualness, my arms finding their place around him like they'd always belonged. Here. Right here.
Nothing, no where I'd ever been had felt righter.
"S?ren."
The inescapable warmth of him this near seeped deep inside of me. My eyes drowning in his, he didn't move. I couldn't tell his thoughts, I felt like I never could.
Before I could ask him to make them known, he was loosened, the tension seemingly drained from his being. He relaxed into my embrace. Allowed me into his closely kept orbit.
He relented. Like he never does.
A solemn, clear defeat, "Okay."
I no longer held my breath, knowing the back and forth to be over. Knowing the resolute acceptance of us hadn't come easy. It couldn't be rescinded. Not when it'd cost him part of his being.
Unable, unwilling to escape the pull any longer, I leaned in, my face a mere breath away from his.
S?renclosed the distance.
Lips meeting mine. I melted into him, breathlessly, achingly.
Like the cosmos itself had conspired for this very kiss to be.
All righted itself, all untangled inside me asS?ren seared himself into me.
Hands tugging his shoulders, willing him closer. He rewarded an arm around my waist, reciprocating the need to be adjoined, the other at the back of my head. Anchoring me in place.
It wasn't mere combustion.
It was the origin of a star, matter firing to a flame in nuclear fusion.