Chapter XXVII
We'd been sneaking around for two weeks.
Two dreamy weeks of simplyme and him.
Whether it be clandestine breakfasts in the morning, secret rides to and from work, or simply hiding out in his study - it was hard to be away fromS?renfor hours at a time.
I think a backlog of all the unnaturally forced time apart was now descending like an avalanche on all that stood in the way of us.
I'd not even discussed any of it with Constance yet, she definitely sensed something was up but hadn't pressed. I promised to tell her. Soon.
Inversely, Arien's workload had increased so seeing him around was scarce. Good. A conversation with him was the last thing I wished for. And was the last thing I was going to allow the chance to ruin what was finally betweenS?ren I.
I refused to let his misguided sense of what could've been between me and him come between the reality of what actually was between his brother and I.
This festered at S?ren. But I selfishly didn't care.
Didn't care about Arien's eventual disappointment or even S?ren's eventual upset on behalf of his brother's feelings. I was entirely focused on keeping this, whateverthiswas, intact. And it still felt so achingly fragile.
Dinners were the one place we could not avoid Arien.
And I think it somewhat assuagedS?ren's guilty conscious, letting us spend this time with him.
And of course he wanted to see his brother, wanted to spend time with him.
Their bond was deeper than I could understand.
I'd never even had a sibling, much less a twin.
For dinner tonight, we'd settled in the dining room at the stupidly large marble table. I could probably lie across the width and not touch the other side with my toes.
As I started digging into my delicious gnocchi, I decided I really liked the cavernous dining room.
With the warm exposed lights hanging low from the ceiling almost as a feature precisely in the center of the table, and the large dining chairs that you could probably still fit in seated cross-legged.
The space was modern and minimalist finished with slate gray concrete walls, reminiscent ofS?ren's room.
If I was completely honest with myself, I like a lot of the mansion. It had so slowly and yet quickly, become my new home. Could barely remember myself anywhere else. And after moving about almost every year for work, I enjoyed having a real home base. More than I'd realised.
S?renand Arien sat across from me, while I remained alone on my end. They'd long forgone sitting at the far ends of the table with me in the middle.
I almost smiled at how much everything had changed.
"You know, for the almost non-existent amount of guests you have over, this dining table seems overkill." A tease but also a fish for more info.
Arien flashed his signature blinding smile,"What can I say,S?renis impossible when it comes to entertaining."
The image ofS?ren at a dinner party made me pause my eating,I allowed myself a glance his way.
Not catching my eye, taking an unimpressed sip of wineS?renamended, "We like our space."
I did the same, "Big claim for two guys who kidnapped me."
It really was a joke, we could joke about things like that now I figured.
Arien rewarded me with laugh.S?ren's expression hadn't improved. That only made me laugh in turn.
Pointing my forkS?ren'sway, I directed my question at Arien, "Does he ever laugh?"
Another playful question but, also a genuine wanting to know. I wanted to picture it.
"Yes. Don't fall for the macho act."
Resting my chin in the palm of my hand, I leaned forward on the table, trying to see it. Tried to imagine the tightly guarded laugh - the sound of it, the way it would disrupt his cuttingly handsome face.
Carefully,S?ren met my eyes for only one second before focusing back on his plate of pasta.
"Mhmm." I couldn't see it yet.
Some time drifted by with only the sound of our cutlery hitting the plates, not awkward or unwanted, just...what it was. A peaceful lull at dinnertime.
Me stealthily stealing glances ofS?ren's face that had no business looking as good as it did by the warmth of the dimmed lights.
I couldn't help but think that in another life this would just be me having dinner with my boyfriend and his brother. It would've been something normal, and fun, maybe even growing into me having a sort of brother of my own.
Unfortunately, that reality shimmered like a far off mirage in the distance, instantly shattered by Arien's next words.
"Soleil are you free on Friday afternoon? I thought we could head into town, do something like we did the other week."
Taking a forkful of pasta, I delayed my response. And did my best to keep from lookingS?ren's way. I'd been trying my best not to be obvious but it was hard.
"Uhm, I have some work to finish off and then I think I just wanna rest after how busy this week has been."
Busy sneaking around with your brother.Cue my guiltyconscience.
Then trying to soften the blow, "I know you must be tired as well, you've been gone most days almost all day?"
Being understanding perhaps, Arien agreed, "Yeah, you're right. Maybe the weekend then?"
I made a noncommittal sound through a long sip of wine. Mumbled something like 'we'll see.'
Unperturbed Arien continued, "I mean, we had so much fun at the paint cafe. And the mug you painted and gifted me is now my favourite morning coffee cup."
The sharp clang of knife against plate rang out asS?renpressed down too hard on pasta that required no actual cutting.
I couldn't miss the flash ofS?ren's eyes at Arien's words and then before he could stop himself, his searing words cut through, "You mean when you almost got Soleil killed."
The room temperature took a plunge, my mouth dried.
My eyes jumped between the two brothers, Arien's disbelief clear on his face.
In a remarkably quick gathering of his wits, S?ren's unreasonable reaction was reeled back in, his face wiped of any evidence of it.
He lowly made out his apology, "Sorry, I think I should be getting rest. Been awake since 4am."
That part was true, he'd had to leave early for an emergency out of town meeting and had been gone the whole day. This was the first I'd seen him.
Arien, perhaps too taken aback, just nodded, accepting his brother's apology.
S?ren drowned the last of his red before excusing himself shortly after.
I got through dinner, making vague and sure to be un-kept promises to hang out in the weekend.
I really needed to figure out how to explain everything to him, how to get him to let go of his ideas of me. I was just too scared that it would cause discord that none of us were ready to handle yet.
Bidding Arien goodnight, I made my way to bed. It was already 11pm so probably too late to findS?ren, to spend time.
We hadn't seen one another today but seeing him at dinner was enough...Okay not really. But I didn't want to go full crackhead in my S?ren addiction. So I'd ration myself.
My message alert buzzed.
I grabbed my phone a tad too fast.
So much for rationing,
I couldn't help the smile. Usually I'd wait around for him by the study or wander the garden.
Having already changed into my pajamas, I flopped on the bed as I waited his response. I felt nice not being the only one that felt the insatiable pull anymore.
My door swung open and shut as S?ren rapidly strode inside.His gait that eager yet easily confidently manner, that only he could manage.
S?ren was pulling at his tie and unbuttoning the first button of his shirt, like it had been horribly constricting all day and he could finally breath again around me.
I just watched. Appreciated.
We didn't go into one another's rooms after that one time like an unspoken rule. It felt too dangerous. Our every nerve was already flayed when it came to one another. We truly didn't need the added temptation.
And yet here he was.
Something warmed and fissioned low inside of me.
I shifted over on the bed, making space for him to slide into.S?rendid just that, sitting on the edge of my bed.
"What are you doing here?"
"What do you mean? Seeing you." Like it was the obvious statement.
I couldn't help poking more, "I just saw you at dinner. Remember."
S?renthrew me a dry look.
Pushing away from the headrest and sitting up on my knees, "Here." I motioned for him to turn my way, and pulled the rest of his tie off. Leaving us face to face.
I continued the train of conversation, "Tsk tsk tsk you mean the dinner where you had a jealous outburst?"
S?ren's faceadorned a mix of discomfort and annoyance all over again.
"You gave him a mug."
As much as I couldn't deny the perverse pleasure at his jealous display, it was entirely misplaced.
Rolling my eyes, "Exactly. AmugS?ren."
My hands were still on his collar as I looked into his eyes, I couldn't help leaning in and pressing my lips to his, wiping any residual jealousy off his face.
S?ren'shand went to the back of my neck for a moment, pulling me even closer into him. Melding me to him.
Just as quickly, he let me go, as if restraining himself.
I leaned back again as he discarded his shoes and slid over the remainder of the bed.
"So how was the day?"
"Long. Tiring." I shuffled in closer to him. "But over now, so fine."
I enjoyed him just being here. In this new comfortability that had come about so surprisingly easily. It made me want to unfurl and remain here indefinitely.
"Soleil, about Arien-"
"Nope, no. I don't want to discuss that now." Or anytime soon.
S?rengave me that look, the one supposed to make me compile but only served to make me want to rile him up more.
"I'm seriousS?ren. I don't think either of us know how to best handle this scenario and you can't even admit that you have blind spots when it comes to your brother."
Not that it was a bad trait, but he just did.
S?renstruggled with this for awhile, looking torn, but he couldn't concretely deny the truth so I continued, making my point.
"It's part of the reason that you took so long to accept this. And I fear that if Arien made enough of an argument, you'd just give in and let him try again with me."
S?ren instantlystiffened under me, turned, pinning me with his eyes.
Eyes darkened by intensity, "No Soleil."
I didn't really meet his eyes, I knew he wanted me right now. I knew he probably meant to be committed, but I also knew how much sway Arien had over him.
His fingers grasped my chin. Firmly, gently,turning my face his way.
"I would never allow that- could physically never live with that. Never. You understand?"
I mutely nodded.
"Do you really?"
Did I? No. Not fully.
"I don't knowS?ren."
I couldn't help but admit the truth. Maybe it was because of how it had started, the back and forth. Now I couldn't help but feel like Arien would be between us always. So many things.
Somehow figuring my thoughts,S?ren earnestly explained,"I can't take back all that. Can't take back the start no matter how badly I'd give anything to, but I can promise that that would never happen."
"I'dnevertreat you so callously, and I'd never allow you to be passed like a...a commodity between the two of us."
His strangled voice now tinged with clear disgust,made it apparent how abhorrent the entire suggestion sounded to him.And if I dug deeper, focused on what else those dark eyes held, behind that was hurt.
That I'd even think that, believe him capable of that.
"I'm sorryS?ren. I don't believe that of you, I really don't. It's so much more complicated that that, and so much of my own insecurity about this whole thing."
He immediately softened, eyes melting me, "You don't have to apologise for that Sol."
I did. I didn't think that ofS?ren. And I wanted him far from anything that caused him hurt.
"I do. I don't want to hurt you unnecessarily."
In response, S?rensimply pulled me into him, arms enveloping me. I stayed there for long, far too long. Feeling the drowsiness that came with the calm he provided me.
S?renspoke once more after sometime, not allowing me to fall into the open arms of sleep.
His voice soft confessing, "You said Arien was the reason we stayed apart for so long, and that was part of it. But aside from that, maybe stronger than that is, every second I'm with you, I'm reminded of how little I deserve you. I wake up filled with guilt and self-loathing and-"
My drowsiness rapidly cleared as I sat up, confused at the turn the late night conversation had taken. Maybe it was the wine we had at dinner, or our tiredness from the long day that had passed, but it felt like things were suddenly spiraling.
"S?ren, stop, I know all that, you've apologised for it-"
"Not fucking enough Sol."
He'd moved back, caught in his feelings, anxious to tell me what he was trying to in this moment. The anger and devastation of it all so so blatantly clear, etched in every angle of his face, the fall of his shoulders - the entire way he carried himself.
"And there's still so much you don't know. That it doesn't seem fair, like you haven't been given a fair chance to make an informed choice. Shit, I didn't plan to bring this all up tonight."
He palmed through his hair.
I placed my arm on the junction of his neck and shoulder, feeling his pulse thrum below me, trying to calm him.Tilting my head to take in all of him, this man, part wolf, who I was so intrinsically connected to.
I wanted to tell him that he didn't have to say anything, I knew it. I knew him.
"Then tell meS?ren."
I've been trying to figure it all out on my own and I still had so many questions. I wanted anything he was willing to share.
"I-I don't know where- okay, I'll just get it all out," he shifted back, severing our touch, "From the start I've been the one harmingyou.
I was the one who called all the shots from the start.
And I always do that, I'm the one who makes those calls, I'm the one who does the damage.
You haven't seen the extent of that side of me, but I don't want you to be under any illusion that it's not there. "
A pause, like he was making a list.
"Remember when you asked that I no longer kept Zodiac?"
I nodded, I couldn't quite find my voice in this moment.
"Well I did that. But I killed him. Myself. There was no way that I was going to let him keep living, breathing, when he was a threat to you and Arien."
Faintly, unsurely, I managed to ask, "What else?"
Tugging on his neck, like preparing for a fight,S?renheld my gaze before continuing, "That day that Dr Thule came, when you were so...distressed."
We hadn't revisited that day since, there was so much these two weeks hadn't covered yet. Too caught up in the glow of this new relationship.
"I had a nightmare the night before...about everything at the start...it messed me up more than I realised." I admitted, while everything inside me repulsed at the thought of exhuming that all again.
S?renlet my confession settle.
"I didn't know that. But I did know something was up, that you weren't okay...I just ignored it and went ahead with my plan."
His plan?The air swam, suddenly heavy.
S?ren steeled himself like he did whenever he had an exhausting, unwanted, difficult task in front of him. Like he did when duty forced him to take up an unwanted role.
Like he loathed to say the next words.
I wanted to demand, then don't.
Let it be. Why bring this all up now?
He forced me to hear them regardless.
"I didn't trust you. I thought that you were up to something, keeping something that could potentially harm Arien.
Even after seeing you like that..
.I still planned to have Dr Thule come with a truth serum under the guise of a vaccination.
I was so determined, I planned to force you even if you didn't comply. "
His damning, words sunk painfully. A boulder to the bottom of a deep well.
Ripping open the wounds of that day.