Chapter XXVIII
I could see it all play out on his face. The remorse, shame, and binding it all together- the resignation. Like it'd admitted to his crimes and now awaited his sentencing.
His words hurt. Of course they did. It hurt that he had been able to harm me in that way.
But...
That all felt so far far away.
From how he felt now...from how I felt now.
"My turn to admit my side of things?"
S?renlooked at me, like he always managed to, completely focused.
"I've not been walking into this blind, I've had no rose tinged glasses on.
In case you haven't noticedS?ren, I'm cynical, I see the bad side of things constantly.
I've been very aware of who you are and what you've done.
I didn't know those two events, but I know the reason you chose to do what you did - you said it yourself, for Arien, for me.
To protect the people you care about.
And maybe this makes me just as messed up as you, but I can't bring myself to care the method if you can justify it for your own self preservation. "
I couldn't make out his expression, his inner workings like I sometimes failed to. Placing both hands on either side of his face, I held him in place, making sure he understood my next words completely, "So I'm here, and I forgive you for the things you can't yet forgive yourself for."
His dark eyes gave away nothing. But some long minutes later, he drew his arms around me once more, pulling me into his chest. Holding me tightly against him, as if reassuring himself I was still right here.
I knew the conversation was not over yet, that we hadn't quite worked through everything yet. But it settled me for now, him opening up. We could figure this out. We would figure this out. Together.
I fell asleep in the blanket of that certainty.
I awoke alone, the ghost ofS?ren imprinted on the sheets.
A second passed where I remained sprawled out in bed, simply replaying last night's conversation, before banishing it from my mind. There was no use ruminating on it for the whole day, everything would work out in time.
I instead readied myself for the day ahead, I'd been unproductive at work and resolved to make it up today.
After a quick pop in at the kitchen after getting dressed, picking up breakfast to-go and greeting Constance, I headed out to the car-park.
Great, Michael was already waiting in the vehicle.
I alighted, greeting him, "Good morning Michael."
"Morning Ms Soleil."
"Just Soleil is fine," I corrected for the millionth time.
He just grinned back at me.
Before we could depart, the door was wrenched open, followed by Arien joining me in the back seat.
"Oh, good morning Arien."
While he took his time responding, I only just noticed that Arien looked...out of sorts. Disheveled in a way he never did first thing in the morning. And something else too, like he was on edge for some reason.
"Morning Soleil."
An eyebrow raised, I gave him some time to explain what was going on as the car rolled to a move. He would eventually, Arien always shared his thoughts.
When we'd on the road for 10 minutes and still no further word from him, sighing, I ventured to ask, "What's going on Arien?"
He continued to struggle, with what, I had no clue, then barely ground out, "I sawS?ren this morning...coming from your room."
Shit.
My stomach immediately plummeted. Hard.
Arien wasted no time in asking the next damning question, words like chewed up gravel, "Why was he in your room Soleil?"
A question I wasn't ready to answer. In skin too tight, I tried to organise my thoughts, calm my racing pulse enough to answer him something reasonable. Dammit, I was wholly unprepared for this line of questioning first thing in the morning.
My small, useless yet truthful words spoke out, "He slept there."
The ensuing silence was punctuated by Arien's sharp inhale and then his gaze fixed outside the window, like he was barely restraining himself.
I needed to explain myself, make everything clear to him. I was finally being honest, he deserved that, "We've been seeing one another, these past two weeks, we meant to tell you but..."
Still nothing, while feelingunjustly chastised, I continued, "I am sorry Arien, we meant to tell you properly...were just waiting for the right time and didn't really know how."
The silence of his emotions were stifling in the car, not granting me any respite. I gave him time to speak, while desperately needing him to say something.
Shout, be angry, or sad- anything would be better then this.
We arrived at the office after what felt like the longest drive here yet, a relief but at the same time, not really.
Finally looking back my way, in a voice yet unrecognisable to me, Arien asked "So that's it then?"
Not trusting my voice, I just nodded.
His face flashed and then shuttered, as if mind suddenly made up.
Arien all but stormed out of the car before I could let any more useless words slip.
That went spectacularly badly.
Shit.
The panic didn't leave me the entire day.
I quickly textedS?ren but he still hadn't responded, he was usually was too caught up at work to communicate during office hours. But I really needed the reassurance. I needed us to figure out how we would deal with Arien.
When 5pm finally rolled around, the drive home passed too quickly, too lost in my thoughts.
I slowly walked into the foyer, still fretting over the whole Arien situation. And then realising what was there, my brow furrowed. There were bags near the entrance.
My bags.
My heart sunk.
Arien appeared, wasting no time explaining, "Constance packed for you."
What?
Firming my voice, careful to keep it even, I asked, "What do you mean?"
"I think it's clear Soleil," his voice was emotionless.
I spiraled, readying myself to argue. Before thinking something, "Where isS?ren?"
He would put a stop to this, wouldn't just let Arien send me away.
Unable to keep the anger from his face, his impassive mask slipped, before calling out loudly forS?ren.
I almost sighed in relief.S?ren would come and put an end to Arien's erratic behaviour.
My shoulders loosened at the sight of him entering the room, my feet carrying me his way before I could even think,"Arien is being crazyS?ren, I get that he's upset.
..I explained that we've been well, together- I obviously didn't mean for him to find out like this but he saw you leave the-"
"I know,"S?ren'stoo carefully calm voice spoke while he maintained his distance.
More confusion coloured my tone, "What do you mean?"
"We spoke."
Still confused, I uncharacteristically looked Arien's way for clarification.
"S?ren agreed. It's for the best if you leave."
The most jarring words, this had to be a joke. It felt like I'd awaken from a deep sleep without knowing how I'd fallen asleep or what day it now was. Disconcerted.
My eyes worked rapidly between the two brothers, finally landing back on S?ren. His stoic look told me all I needed to know as the ground became unstable beneath my feet.
The moments stretched long while I tried to find words, tried to figure out a way to stop what was suddenly spinning entirely out of my control.
"It's been two weeks...just two weeksS?ren," my voice cracked as I did my best to keep from unraveling, "and you said- you said we were okay now. That we could finally be together for real."
I reached out for his arms, it was instinct. I was already so used to touching him, holding him, like having gravity pull me down to earth.
He jerked back. Heat seared through me, his rejection branding me.
"S?ren, don't-don't do this."
Now I was pleading, pathetically. While he stood just out of reach, face pulled into that impassive look I hated. Why was he pretending not to feel anything again? Why was he doing this to us?
While my sadness rose, so did my anger, twisting up torturously beneath my skin. I felt warm, too warm, as I felt things spiral. I could feel myself losingS?ren, feel him forsaking the bond.
His silence made it clear he'd just let me go. That he'd actually let Arien do this.
"Say somethingS?ren."
Don't just stand there, silent, pretending like I'm the only one who feels this way. Say something.
Say you're making a mistake.
Say it.
I almost immediately wanted to take back my words as his fell from his lips. Resolute and damning, completely uncaring and cold, "I don't want you Soleil."
Gasping at his admission, I felt the bond fracture inside.
As if my utter devastation meant nothing,S?renruthlessly continued, "And you shouldn't want me either. You remember the time in that room? You remember how you were tortured at my command?"
His words were rough, punishing. Like he wanted them to hurt me. "Recall that every time you suddenly have these misguided thoughts about me...I'm not a good man and I never will be. And nothing I do or did can be forgiven, I'm not asking for forgiveness either."
My voice trembled out, "You lie. You're lying right now. And I don't care. I don't care about any of the past."
That was before I knew you. Knew you were mine.
S?ren'sarm came to mine, fingers biting into my skin, like he wanted to hurt me into believing him. How did he still not understand that I'd give almost anything to feel his hands on me? That his touch was having the exact opposite of what he was trying to do.
"Don't do this," a tear streaked down my face.
His hands dropped from my arms, once more retreating from me, physically, but more devastatingly, emotionally as well.
We only have each other. There's never been anyone else and I can't see there being anyone else.Please please don't do this.
I'd beg if I had to.
I roughly wiped a hand across my face. My final desperate plea, almost a whisper, "Please."
Please just realise this is a mistake. Please let me stay.
I couldn't tell if imagined, but for the merest, tiniest, split second I thought I could see my devastation reflected in his face, before it was firmly shuttered once more. A minuscule shake of his head.
His mind was made up.
He was letting me go.
After everything.
After all our moments.
I wanted to keep fighting. I could keep fighting to keep him, for us. If I knew that would change anything.
But it wouldn't. I can't force him to want me. The thought nearly shattered me.
S?rendidn't want me. I was foolish to ever think he could.
As the two brothers stood before me, clearly done with me, entirely, I knew it to be futile to even try.
They didn't care that my heart was shattering here in the mansion I'd started to call home. Everything I'd once tried my hardest to run from, now all I wanted to keep.
My eyes flickered between the two, Arien not catching my eye, jaw ground tightly.S?renseeing through me entirely.
A sudden anger overtook me, here again the two brothers were conspiring about my life without giving me any choice in the matter.
Completely unrestrained now through my now freely flowing tears, "You're a cowardS?ren.
I cant believe that after everything, you're just going to let me go and pretend nothing ever happened.
And you know what? You don't deserve me.
Not for anything you've done before. Not for any reason other than your complete and utter cowardice in this moment.
If you let me leave now, I won't forgive you for that. "
I wrenched my eyes from the ones I wanted to spend all the rest of my waking hours staring into. I didn't want to see him again. It hurt too much.
I instead turned Arien's way, in some way he'd been my friend, but now he was proving to be vindictive and anything but.
"I have nothing to say to you. Not when you only pretended to be a friend to me."
He looked to say something but I held my hand up, "No, don't. There's nothing honorable in only pretending to be someone's friend in the hopes they'll eventually return your feelings.
And now you're punishing me for it." And your brother too, despite him not admitting what we know to be true.
"But this will just be another sacrificeS?renmakes for you, so what do you care. "
Filled with vitriol, I hoped my words hurt. I hoped they cut, letting them feel an iota of what I was feeling.
I made my way out to the car. Ready for this entire ordeal to be done with.
Michael silently helped me with my bags and then got in the drivers seat. I pulled my seat belt robotically across myself, as I stared ahead.
I didn't want to see them. Didn't want to give them the satisfaction despite everything inside me screaming to turn back one more time. To have one last look at the place I'd called home for months now, at the man who's been my friend and the one who held my heart until he callously dropped it.
I wasn't going to turn back.
They didn't deserve the satisfaction.
The gates of the manor rolled opened and I had a distinct flashback to the start of it all - me running towards them, about to have my freedom, before Arien had stopped me.
I'd so badly wanted to be free. I could almost taste the feeling. And now, in some messed up twist of fate, I wished for the exact opposite.
I looked resolutely forward as we drove through the wrought iron gates. I would not look back.
My resolution lasted all the way until the gates just started to close, and then in an almost biblical sense, I was wrenching myself backwards, hands digging into the back of my seat. Desperate for one more look.
Only for the final blow to land. Crushingly.
I could make out the outline of Arien, still looking this way.
ButS?renwas nowhere to be seen.
As if to make the point of his rejection of clear, he'd already walked away. Already left me.
I crumbled in my seat.
It was truly all over.
I was alone once more.
The mansion blurred through my tears.