20. Like You Love Me
Haera
In the vague dreams unfolding in her mind, she was lost in the snowy forests again, trying and failing to find food.
***
Trees were frozen to the point of death, their trunks turning from wood to stone. The tall grassy meadows were covered under metres of snow. Not a living thing was visible anywhere. Whatever small forest creatures she could manage to hunt and take down in her current state were either hibernating, or far too smart to come out in the daytime. She’d been prowling around for three houyras, keeping her eyes and ears peeled for something, anything .
She hadn’t eaten in three wouxs. Nine dahys. No food. There was nothing to be found in the parts of the forest that were the safest for her to hunt in. Giving up for the dahy until nighfall settled onto the snowy forest floor, she dug a burrow for herself in a large pile of snow. Only her front left paw was useable for the task. She had been hopping along on two injured legs for the past mohn since the last Shadow attack. Her weight leaned heavily on the injured paw, but if she wanted to hide herself while she rested, there was nothing to be done but bear the pain and keep digging as fast as she could.
Tears burned her eyes as she tried to speed up the digging process, adrenaline spiking in her blood even though there were no visible signs of danger, no visible changes in the environment around her. She knew it was getting closer and closer to her next point of contact with The Shadow. They would show up to try to attack her again soon, and she still hadn’t recovered fully from their previous attack .
Winter was unforgiving on its own. As a werewolf, alone, it wasn’t impossible to survive. But she wasn’t just a werewolf. She was a werewolf rejected from her pack, constantly injured and under attack. For her, the chances of her survival dipped lower every dahy. She hoped to keep holding out until the melt, until spring returned. She would keep holding on until she could find food again and her strength returned. Until she could run without slipping on snow and sliding in the wrong direction as she tried to get away. At least during the spring, she could hike her tail and really run. In spring, she had a real chance of getting away.
As things were, hunger was sinking into her bones and carving out a desperation she didn’t like to entertain. It was the sort of desperation that drove her to do things she always regretted. Like going closer to the heart of Aegon territory to hunt. She knew there were snow rabbits and the occasional wild game. She knew the pack wasn’t out hunting now – it was still light out. She could make it there and back before nighfall, before the official pack hunt.
Her paw was still scraping out a hole for herself. Her shoulder blades were growing tired, and the weight on her right paw was becoming unbearable. Her eyes watered from the cold, but the tears never came. When the space was finally wide enough for her to get in, she pressed in, snout first, then wound a tight circle around herself and laid down. She was hungry – so hungry.
***
She jolted awake and away from the warm, hard, undeniably male body next to her. Her heart was pounding in her ears, and she was about to scream when she felt the bond surge with concern. The body moved. Theos. Mate. Safe. Her heart still pounded. She was flat on her back. The jerk away had been sudden, and Theos’ relaxed arms had slipped away from her as she moved. Panic was blurring the edges of her vision. It had felt so real. It always felt so real. The snow. The pain in her limbs. The damage to her paws. The hunger; the raging, devouring hunger. Instinctively, she rolled right and curled into a tight ball around herself. Her eyes fluttered closed. Cold. Hungry. So hungry.
Behind her, the bed shifted slightly. Theos was awake; she knew he was. He had let her dart out of his arms despite his promises, to keep her caged in. Had he changed his mind about her? Was he tired of her foolish attempts to escape? Had she ruined her chances at –
He slid closer right then, the feel of him interrupting her spiralling thoughts. He curled his body around hers, knees tucked in behind hers, his breath tickling her neck. She didn’t move – she didn’t dare to. Instead, tears burned her eyes and slid down her cheeks. He was huddling her still. Even though she had pulled away from him out of fear and curled into a protective ball of her own, he was forming a separate, protective layer around her. The message was so clear she could hear it in the way the bond hummed in patterns inside her. I’m here. I’ll keep you safe. You don’t have to watch your own back anymore.
He didn’t speak, and she was even more grateful for the silence. She needed it – like oxygen. She needed to let her ears listen until they were satisfied, until they realized that the sounds of the forest were no longer all around them. Until they realized they weren’t hearing crackling branches, snow hitting the earth, and sniffing as werewolves approached her. Until they could confirm that she wasn’t being hunted by her own kind.
All she could hear was gentle breathing. All she could feel was a warm, overshadowing wall of comfort and safety, poised behind her. His eyes were open. She could almost count on it. He never seemed to sleep whenever he was with her. He was always awake. Always alert. Always watching. So that she could sleep. So that she didn’t need to be so vigilant. So that she didn’t have to care for herself alone.
More tears burned a path down her cheeks as she tried to keep the sobs down. Her body was still strung tight, wound up with fear and tension. It had overwhelmed her as soon as she had opened her eyes. Warm male body. Waking up. Unaware of her surroundings. It had remined her of – she pushed the thought down. Theos. Mate. She was safe. He wouldn’t harm her. He promised.
The sobs fell, heavy, from her lips. His presence behind her did not waver. He didn’t rush to console her or force her to confess what weighed on her mind. He didn’t tense or pull away. The heft of his frame, towering over hers even in their curled position, remained steady. His lack of reaction pulled the sobs from her mouth even more. She didn’t need to be vigilant about her emotions around him either. She could cry without him trying to immediately make her feel better so that he wouldn’t feel helpless. She could cry without him becoming uncomfortable. “You don’t have to hide your grief from me little star. All the mortals pray to me. With grief, I am well acquainted.” She sobbed, her body trembling and shaking, until there were no tears left in her body.
When the tears had settled into silence, she noticed the yawning emptiness in her stomach. Hunger. She needed food. While she considered her options, Theos’ hand moved to press lightly against her stomach, and then, a kiss on her cheek. He snuggled closer to her, pulling her back into his arms. Another kiss to her shoulder. Small, soothing circles on her belly. The anxious knot in her heart unfurled slowly, replaced by the deep cooling feeling of safety. Her eyes watered again, but she blinked the tears away .
“Why do I turn to such putty in your hands?” she murmured to herself. “Why does your touch soothe me the way it does?”
She felt Theos smile behind her, his face pressed into her hair. The soothing circles continued.
“I heal when I touch.”
She hummed into the silence, appreciating that his voice was a whisper. She could hardly bear the sound of any noise.
“Tell me about your kingdom.”
Her brows furrowed, and a surprised laugh echoed out of her. She rolled around to face him. Gods , he was beautiful. “No offense,” she began, unable to tamp down her grin. “But don’t you like…know everything?”
Theos’ grin was wide. He thought it was funny. She hadn’t messed up. Some deep part of her relaxed.
“None taken. I do.” He buried his head into the small of her neck, and she stopped breathing when he audibly sniffed her, then stifled a groan. “You smell like a dream.” He smiled, lips pressed against her throat. “ Breathe , little love.”
Embarrassed, Haera gulped down a mouthful of air. Her body trembled against him when he laughed .
“I know Vanzantia from a high level. But pretend I don’t. I want to know your perspective – what your life is like here.” He squeezed her tighter against his chest.
“Okay,” she whispered, more to herself than him, as she considered the request. “I won’t bore you with the boring stuff –”
“Bore me.” Theos cut in.
She choked on her laugh. “Okay ancient god who knows all things,” she began. Theos barked with laughter, dragging her even closer and nestling his head deeper.
“You’ve got a smart mouth, haven’t you?” His head shifted, canines dragging across her jugular and sending the burn of arousal pulsing through her. His tongue traced the same path. “I adore it.”
Voice shaky, Haera willed herself to begin sharing about Vanzantia. “Vanzantia is the last haven for werewolves in the world. There is a small population of werewolves that live outside of our kingdom and outside of Thorca, but the struggle they face to survive is unimaginable.” She shuddered. “Our kingdom was founded thousands of syrises ago, by the current king’s father, and whenever we refer to the kingdom, we’re meant to say the pledge.”
Theos hummed thoughtfully. “What’s the pledge? ”
Haera’s mouth opened and closed, then she cleared her throat. Her voice was quiet when she began, and somehow grew even quieter as she continued. “Vanzantia, home of the great, home of the last remaining werewolf race; the fittest of the fallen, the ones who heard the calling to rally together against the forces that tried to conquer and divide. Vanzantia, home of the great, home of the proud and pure-blooded few, who broke alliances with human foes to reclaim our land as new. Vanzantia, built on the blood of the fallen, our loyalty is to you, ever burning, ever true.” Her throat closed up altogether, and she closed her eyes, willing the sorrow down.
“Tell me about your family.” Theos’ quiet question held an edge of sorrow. Almost as though he knew.
“I…” The confession was swirling in her gut, its edges sharp like a knife – doing its best to gut her on its way up and out through her lips. “Have no family.” Guilt punctured a hole in her heart immediately. The admission was the ultimate betrayal to her father. “I…never met my mother. She died giving birth to me. I don’t know how my father bore the loss,” she admitted quietly. “Now that I am bonded to a mate of my own, I do not know whether I could survive losing this bond.” The bond nudged her, begging her to admit the truth. It wasn’t the bond she was afraid of losing. “I don’t know whether I could ever survive losing you,” she mumbled quietly .
The slowest pulse of pleasure she’d ever experienced spread through her like warm water over a shivering, cold body. Theos’ shifted, his arms sliding down to her waist to pull her close. His breath was warm against her ear, and the steady beats of his heart against her chest seemed to echo some promise in an ancient language that was much higher than her mortality could ever understand.
“You will never, ever even need to fear losing me. I will never leave you or forsake you.”
The tears that spilled over her cheeks were big and round, and Theos pulled his head back, kissing away her tears easily, then kissing her cheeks all over. The bond burned with unspoken words. I love you , it vibrated. I will never ever leave you.
“You have me,” he whispered, “Always. Forever .”
She nodded, letting him pepper kisses across her cheeks and forehead until the tension and fear melted away, and her muscles once again relaxed into his hold.
“My dad…he died two syrises ago,” she managed to make herself say. “There was a major conflict between the neighbouring packs, and he was one of the soldiers we lost. That memory haunts me every time I sleep. I miss him,” she choked out, clutching Theos’ arm as more tears inched down her cheeks .
“I’m so sorry for your loss, Haera. It must be so hard.”
She nodded wordlessly, blinded by her tears. And Theos shifted again, wrapping her close and letting the sobs overtake her until the hole in her heart ached a little less, and the tears stopped.
“Tell me about the packs in your kingdom.” Theos asked, giving her something else to focus on.
“Well,” she began, “there are only two packs in each province. This way, it gives each pack a large amount of land and territory to sustain themselves and avoid squabbles and conflicts. But Alphas are the on the ground rulership that packs have. We don’t have Counts the way the rest of Thorca does. Of course,” her voice grew quieter, “that leaves room for Alphas to be abusive and cruel to whoever they wish, because though they have someone governing them, he doesn’t care. He is very…negligent.”
Theos hummed thoughtfully. “I see.”
“Engagement and interactions between different packs are mostly respectful, and the communication rituals are ancient and unchanged. The packs communicate directly with the Royal Court, and the prince in charge of the affairs of the packs is Third Prince Miron.” She despised even saying the prince’s name .
“Tell me about the royal family.”
She huffed at that request, and Theos’ responding smile was immediate. His head was nestled into the crook of her neck again, and hesitantly, she raised a hand to his hair, teasing a strand of it between her fingers. It was softer than anything she’d felt before, and shock pulsed through her. Unconsciously, she let all her fingers sink into it, dragging her fingers lightly across Theos’ scalp.
“Fuck,” he sighed, pressing his face into her hard.
“Are you okay?” she asked, not stopping the movement of her hand in his hair.
“Never been happier,” he breathed, strain obvious in his voice. “Whenever you touch me, a million stars explode inside my body.”
Her lips parted in surprise. “Doesn’t that hurt?”
Theos laughed. “It is the exact opposite of pain. It would be equivalent to a mortal having a million orgasms in five seconds.”
Smiling to herself, she raised another hand, dragging it through Theos’ hair too. “So, this is…pleasurable?”
“Shit,” he groaned .
“Is that a yes?” she laughed to herself, secretly pleased her touch affected him so.
“ Yes ,” he rasped, lifting his head to kiss along her neck and up to her throat. “And it’s making my canines ache with the throbbing need to mark your pretty little neck, Haera.” A jolt of pleasure went straight to her cunt. “My mind is completely hazy,” he nibbled on skin. “And the bond is begging me to sink my teeth into you – mark you as mine forever. It’s scared that you’d ever touch someone else the way you’re touching me.”
“How am I touching you?” She asked quietly, shocked by the rawness of his words.
With one final nibble to the tender skin above which her largest vein lived, he raised his lips to her ears. “Like you love me.”
Everything inside her stilled. He was…right. He pressed a kiss to her ear, raising himself up so that he hovered over her, their faces only a breath apart. She was falling in love with him. Gaining a mind of their own, her hand raised to his face, slowly, until it cupped his cheek. The white of his eyes deepened, expanding, and as she watched, tiny explosions of colour erupted. He shuddered when she slid her hand lower to run her thumb across his lips, but his gaze never moved from hers. Stars. She was watching the stars explode inside him .
She didn’t know how long they stayed like that, him watching her, adoration pouring out of him. Her, cradling his cheek, watching the stars explode inside him through the window of his eyes. It felt like an eternity passed before he leaned down to press the gentlest of kisses to her lips, the lightest brush, before settling into position once more – his head on her chest, ear resting against her soft breast. Now it was she who curled herself around him, caging him in with her softness. Wrapping her arms around his back though they didn’t reach all the way. His arms settled low on her hips, and a sigh that was nothing if not contentment oozed out of him.
I love you. The bond burned with the words, and every time it did, tears pooled in her eyes.
“D-do you still want to hear about the government?” she asked quietly. Theos’ eyes were closed, and she couldn’t tell if that meant he was tired and wanted to rest. Did gods need sleep?
“Worried I’m about to fall asleep on you?” His eyes opened again.
“D-do gods need sleep?”
“No, little star. We can, however, choose to sleep when we are completely at peace.”
“And…are you at peace? ”
His lips pulled into a smile. “I had never known peace before I met you.” Her heart swelled. The bond was burning with the unspoken words again. It did that every time he spoke. I love you .
“Okay,” she whispered, trying to gather her thoughts. “The royal family is comprised of King Valgerd Vanzant and his Queen, Jazmhyn Vanzant, and their eleven sons – Orion, Alekx, Miron, Solon, Elias, Lukhas, Marric, Ivalio, Zafar, Cyran, and Arhein Vanzant.” She sighed. “Of course, they all hold some level of absolute responsibility over Vanzantia’s affairs.”
“And what about mates and pregnancies?” Theos asked, voice completely serious.
“W-well,” she answered, suddenly self-conscious with the intimate turn of the conversation. “Because of werewolf anatomy and the existence of mates, only your mate can get you pregnant. No one else's…seed is enginered to be compatible with your womb.”
“Are you embarrassed that I asked?” Theos asked gently, kissing the crook of her elbow where it was wrapped around him. “Your king and queen seem particularly…eager to produce heirs.”
Haera laughed lightly. “Eager is quite right. I’ve heard whispers that their aim is to have a daughter, and they won’t stop trying until they do. ”
That pulled a wicked grin out of Theos. “May The Fates grant their wish.”
He rolled over, flipping their positions so that he was laying flush on top of her. His head still resting on her breast, his hips settled between her legs. Instinctively, she wrapped them around him.
“ Gods ,” he mumbled. “I love the way your body responds to me.”
Her cheeks burned, and she let the silence wash over her skin as the bond trembled with the same unspoken words once more.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.