Chapter 21
Tension filled the prolonged silence, measured by my frantic heartbeat as I waited for Castiel to speak. He appeared to struggle for words even when we weren’t speaking of state secrets, but the gravity of our current subject weighed more heavily upon him.
He seemed at a loss for how to begin. His gaze wandered as if in search for inspiration before settling on the pendant I’d worn for as long as I could remember. He reached forward to cradle it in his palm; unlike my transparent form, it seemed solid enough for him to touch.
“You’ve had this since your birth. I believe it’s a token from your mother.” His tone was far too casual, considering the mere mention of her existence was taboo within the royal court.
“Did you know her?” I hadn’t realized just how desperate I was to solve the mystery of my birth until I was finally presented with someone who potentially possessed the answers.
He shook his head. “I was too young when you were brought to the palace, just old enough to understand that you weren’t born to the queen and to remember when I saw you for the first time. Even as a toddler you wore this necklace, leaving me to surmise it must have been a gift bestowed by your mother.”
Even after he released the pendant his attention remained fixated on it before he slowly lifted his gaze to meet mine.
“You asked for Thorndale’s motive in unleashing the curse. While Father has kept many of those details even from me as his heir, it is my understanding the curse was initially an unforeseen consequence when he tried to acquire the mineral this amulet is comprised of…one that upon its discovery he has since exploited for his benefit in an effort to strengthen our influence.”
“A mineral contained within my pendant?” I lifted it at an angle to better examine it in the faint candlelight. For all its beautiful carved artistry and amber stone embedded into the metal design, it looked far too ordinary to be at the heart of the King of Thorndale’s greed.
Castiel nodded. “I’m not sure exactly how he plans to use it, but apparently the king has discovered its value and hidden potential, and has determined to go to any lengths to acquire it…whether it’s through peaceful means such as an alliance with Brimoire, or an invasion when even sacrificing his daughter proved in vain.”
My fingers grazed the smooth stone; it vibrated against my skin as if pulsing with energy, a sensation that had been dormant before becoming trapped beneath the curse’s influence. Even in my inexperience I now recognized it as the elusive magic that was said to have gone extinct from most of the land.
Could a mere mineral harbor hidden power? I sensed this was the missing piece Lucien had searched tirelessly for, but it felt incomplete without more information.
With his hobby of studying and collecting rocks, Prince Ryland would likely be able to identify this mineral; the problem came from my inability to speak with him or show him my pendant in my current state. Frustration swelled at my helplessness and my skin tingled, as if fighting to regain form in accordance with my urgency to take action.
“If Thorndale is responsible for spreading the curse for power and expansion, does the king have a plan for how to break it and make the land livable?” He must, considering the visiting dignitaries had requested a relinquishment of the cursed land as compensation for my disappearance.
In Castiel’s hesitation I sensed that for all his willingness to provide me with information, there were some details he wasn’t at liberty to share. I set aside that mystery for now; he’d already provided me with more than enough to begin my investigation, though the problem brought by my current state would make them difficult.
I pushed against the discouragement attempting to hinder my resolve. If in my invisibility I could find a way to touch my old letters, slam a book shut, faintly feel a swing beneath my body, and kiss Lucien, then I would discover a means to research this new development.
I floated to the library, Castiel following silently behind, seeming determined not to let me out of his sight. Upon arriving we discovered that the door was locked, meaning I would have to venture forward on my own. I hesitated, the memory of the last time I’d tried to go through something solid still painfully vivid. The faint candlelight was just enough to illuminate my reluctance. Castiel raised his eyebrow in silent question.
“I got stuck the last time I tried to go through something solid.” I wisely chose to omit the details of what had transpired between me and Lucien after his efforts to help me had resulted in me tumbling on top of him. My cheeks warmed at the memory, evidence that for all that I had discovered, my feelings for him stubbornly lingered. No matter how I felt about our future together, I still believed in him as a future king and wanted to do all within my power to help him for the sake of the kingdom that through our arranged marriage we would rule together.
Castiel’s lips twitched, the first sign of humor I’d ever witnessed him display, before he hastily suppressed it. I stared, feeling as if seeing him for the first time and wanting to discover all the other emotions he kept safely tucked away. “When this is all over, can we get better acquainted?”
His stoic expression didn’t change…save for the glassy sheen that momentarily clouded his eyes before he averted his gaze. He reached up to ruffle my hair, a touch I could almost feel, before withdrawing with an awkward clearing of his throat.
“I will be just outside the door should you need me. Even if I have to break down the door I will always come for you, so please don’t hesitate to call for me.” He drew his sword and took a defensive stance.
His caring gave me the confidence I needed to push against the solid wood. It felt as if I was swimming through mud as I struggled to maneuver my body through, but after considerable exertion I managed to safely arrive on the other side.
An array of towering shelves stretching from floor to ceiling greeted me. Memories of the time Lucien and I had spent researching within these walls were tucked amongst the volumes, causing my heart to twinge, but I forced my thoughts away from him in order to focus on the matter at hand.
The faded titles were difficult to discern through the thin slant of moonlight, making me wish for Castiel’s candle. As my eyes gradually adjusted to the darkness, I manage to find some promising volumes, but to my dismay my hand went right through them when I tried to pull them from the shelf.
With each failed attempt my frustration mounted. I stretched my mind back to the other times I’d been able to manipulate the real world—in every instance my will had allowed me to briefly overcome the limits brought by my invisibility.
I gathered my resolve with several steadying breaths. I need information to help Lucien…and the kingdom that we will one day rule together. Fear had once caused me to shy away from any thought of my future as a queen, but now I allowed this title to drape over me like a crown of determination atop my head.
My fingers tingled and grew solid enough for me to begin my search. The library contained a vast array of books on rocks and minerals—undoubtedly due to the younger prince’s pet hobby—which I combed through meticulously, comparing the stone decorating my amulet with the illustrations adorning the petrology reference.
The mineral appeared to be quite rare, for I couldn’t find it in the standard volumes and needed to extend my research to more complicated ones that were difficult to comprehend. An hour passed before I finally located it in a hefty specialized tome.
My fingers traced the name of the mineral, phanite, as I attempted to read the information listed beneath it…but the letters were faded with age and the words I managed to decipher were beyond my comprehension; I would need to consult an expert in the matter. Though Prince Ryland couldn’t see me, should I choose to once more reveal myself to Lucien, he would be able to intercede on my behalf.
I set the petrology book aside and tried to research something else. Though the strangely familiar mineral stirred an intangible memory from my childhood and I could almost sense a pattern amongst the vanished villages, for all my diligence I couldn’t find any further information about this resource, nor could I locate records detailing the villages that had succumbed to the curse to see if there were any commonalities amongst them or connection to the mineral in my necklace; those could only be acquired from a member of the royal family or one of their trusted advisors.
I heaved a frustrated sigh; it appeared I’d gotten as far as I could on my own with little to show for my efforts. Though I hadn’t been able to investigate as much as I wished, I’d at least obtained the name of the stone in my amulet, information likely too important to keep to myself.
Which meant I needed to cease avoiding Lucien beneath my shield of invisibility and seek his help. For all the importance of learning more about the curse, beyond receiving the assistance from the one who knew Brimoire better than anyone I had another investigation to conduct—one I had far greater personal investment in.
I experienced a tug of war between my heart that yearned for him even now and my sense that was wary of allowing myself to get close to him, even over something as mundane as research…especially when Lucien had effectively been wooing me through that very pastime throughout our second courtship. My heart twinged at the memory, along with all the other ways he’d demonstrated his love and care ever since I’d become invisible…evidence that although much of our second courtship might have started as an illusion born from deceit, it had eventually become something real and infinitely precious.
Each recollection nourished my hope that there may have been a good or at least understandable motive for his deceit. Even if there weren’t, it would be wrong for me to condemn him completely when I’d made mistakes of my own—beginning with my fear of being open with him and locking him from my troubles. Yet even midst my weaknesses he’d stood by me. This realization stirred my yearning to remain by him despite his own mistakes, the longing that I’d fought to keep buried unable to be suppressed any longer.
Whatever lay before us relationally, even if I wanted to protect my heart, for the good of Brimoire and the hope of finding reconciliation I would choose to momentarily place my belief in the love he’d shown me and trust that there may have been a reason Lucien had chosen to embark on a course laden with lies.
It doesn’t matter how it started, only what it’s become.
Castiel glanced over as I drifted back through the door to where he awaited me on the other side. “Did you find what you were looking for?”
“I discovered some interesting information, yet most is far beyond my experience. I need Lucien’s help.”
My brother’s eyes widened, but before he could respond I started to drift down the hallway to begin searching for Lucien. Castiel caught hold of my arm; rather than his touch going right through me, he was able to grip me enough to tug me to a stop.
I glanced in surprise at his fingers curled around me, then up at him, noting the worry barely discernible beneath his rigid expression. “Are you going to him?”
His menacing tone could only mean Lucien. His grip tightened at my nod, making me fear I wouldn’t be able to break free from his determination should he attempt to restrain me…but his hold almost immediately loosened enough for me to pull away.
“Very well. Though I don’t agree with it, I will support your decision and continue to search for information concerning Thorndale’s involvement on my own by first talking with the advisors our kingdom sent who are still in the castle.”
My brow furrowed. “You’re not going to stop me from seeking a man you clearly disapprove of?”
He was silent a moment before releasing a weary sigh. “You’ve been controlled for most of your life. It’s time you finally choose your own path.”
“I’m still not sure whether it’s the best one.” I only knew that it was the one I sought to walk more than any other. Though I feared what awaited me at the end of the journey ahead, I knew nothing would come from standing still as I’d spent most of my life.
Castiel searched my expression before nodding his acceptance. That likely would have been the end of the discussion, but I was desperate for an opinion that wouldn’t be muddled by my heart’s earnest wishes. “Can I ask you something?”
I shifted beneath his intimidating gaze as he gave me his full attention. I’d never confided in him before, but his short visit had been enough to prove I could trust him to become the confidant I sought.
“Is there ever a good reason to lie to someone?”
He thoughtfully considered my inquiry before answering. “One would think such a matter would be black and white, but I’m guilty of too many sins not to know that most of the world is painted in shades of grey. I suppose it would depend on the motive behind the lie, and whether it was to protect someone’s best interests or manipulate them.”
To protect someone. I’d never considered Lucien could possibly possess such a motive. My brief reunion with my brother had been enough to teach me that my perception of our relationship had been flawed—influenced by fear and insecurity rather than reality. I’d only just discovered that Castiel had been watching over me from the shadows throughout my whole life, so perhaps Lucien’s lies had been his own form of protection that didn’t appear so at first glance.
Could I say the same about myself? While my failure to tell Lucien about my background had been wholly unintentional as I’d originally assumed he knew, I was now faced with the knowledge that I was now also lying by keeping the truth a secret. Did my motives go beyond my own fear of rejection?
Wondering would get me nowhere—there was only one way to unravel the contradiction brought by Lucien’s supposed indifference during our first courtship with the consideration he’d bestowed upon me during our second. Though I wasn’t sure whether I was ready to confront him, I didn’t want to repeat the mistake that had riddled my life of being so drawn into my pain, so prone to internalize my experiences that I was too paralyzed to act on behalf of the interests of our kingdom.
Time felt immeasurable as I wandered, led by the unseen force tugging at my consciousness—undoubtedly Lucien. Despite all the fractures in our relationship, I’d never been able to fully break the last thread of memory and care connecting the two of us; while I might have faded from his view, I could not remove him from my heart and mind. Midst my hurt I felt a mixture of frustration that he would intrude on my solace and a twinge of hope that our story wasn’t yet over.
I knew more than anyone that hearts could change, having experienced my own gradually emerging from the stronghold I’d locked it behind as I forged relationships I never would have dreamed of in my lonely past. I didn’t want to hold Lucien captive to our broken first courtship any more than I wanted to remain trapped.
But even if a relationship with him was still part of my future, there were many things we needed to overcome before we could rebuild all that had crumbled between us. However painful it might be, we needed to address the truth of our past and commit to honesty in our interactions.
I eventually found Lucien in a secluded parlor conversing with Prince Ryland and Princess Evelyn. I slipped unseen into the room and hid myself behind an armchair, peering around to capture a glimpse of his familiar form. My heart jolted, unprepared for the emotions I would experience upon seeing him again.
Throughout my life I’d never had a chance to miss anyone, and even though I had been the one to fade and leave him behind, it wasn’t until this moment that I recognized the wound afflicting my heart from his absence. I wasn’t sure how long I’d straddled between the visible and invisible worlds before reemerging, but in this moment it felt like it had been an eternity.
He made no acknowledgment of my presence, meaning that although I’d stepped back into the visible realm I was still cloaked beneath invisibility’s protection, the part of me currently afraid of being seen by him that allowed me to spy on the unfolding scene undisturbed.
I wasn’t entirely certain what I hoped to accomplish. Perhaps I wanted to see who Lucien was beyond his role as crown prince and fiancé, to see how much had been sincere and how much had only been pretend—my last protective measure before I finally yielded the heart I’d guarded for so long.
Lucien leaned forward. “How did your search go?”
Evelyn hesitated. “Though I looked everywhere, I detected no sign of Lisette’s presence.”
“None at all?” Lucien’s shoulders slumped in defeat as she shook her head.
“While I was looking, the monastery finally responded.” By the princess’s heavy tone she feared disappointing news. Lucien accepted her glistening missive with shaking hands but made no move to open it, merely stared with palpable dread, as if afraid of its contents.
With a wavering breath he finally slit the envelope and drew out the letter, unfolding it slowly. I didn’t want to risk drifting close enough to read it in case our proximity alerted him or Princess Evelyn to my presence, but even at a distance I could tell it was short.
Lucien read through it several times before crumpling it and burying his face in his hands with a look as if his last guiding hope had died, confirmation that the monastery for all its magical knowledge and strongholds protecting the surrounding lands had no information about invisibility or the disappearing curse.
A heavy silence followed before Ryland tentatively spoke. “I’m so sorry, Lucien.”
He didn’t answer or look up. Evelyn rested a comforting hand against his back. “It’s too soon to give up. I still haven’t heard from my parents, so there’s a chance that Estoria’s library contains an answer.”
Still Lucien remained silent, as if he’d lost the ability to speak entirely. I never would have expected such a reaction outside what I’d discovered to be nothing more than a charade, confirmation for the path my heart yearned to embrace: that for all our past mistakes it was too soon to give up on everything we’d begun to build together.
The thought gave me the courage to venture from my hiding place…before Ryland’s next words gave me pause. “I know now isn’t the time for more dire news, but Father has returned from his marriage negotiations and wishes to speak with you.”
Lucien sighed and finally straightened to lean his head back, looking more tired than his previous show of careful composure allowed, an exhaustion that even surpassed the nights we’d stayed up late researching or talking. “I’ve been fully prepared to tell him about Lisette, but I have no argument when she’s no longer even here.”
“So you haven’t found any sign of her either?”
Lucien simply shook his head. Ryland seemed to choose his next words carefully.
“It seems strange that she disappeared so suddenly when previously she could only be seen by you. Did something happen between you two right before she vanished?”
Lucien stiffened, as if the words had struck him with an accusation. “Nothing.” His voice wavered, betraying the lie…one of many he’d undoubtedly told these past several days.
I doubted anything would have cajoled Lucien to speak of the kiss we’d shared before I’d chosen to succumb to the curse’s own seductive persuasions. I myself had been doing my best to avoid any remembrance of the event, but now the memories overcame me in a rush of sweet recollection.
But it seemed fate had other plans for me. Ryland and Evelyn had just exchanged wary glances, but before the prince could press the matter a heavy knock sounded at the door, causing all three to rise to their feet.
I released a breathy gasp that no one heard when the king of Brimoire entered, looking weary from his travels but wearing a soft expression I’d never seen from my own indifferent father. Even midst my current concern, I felt a yearning for such fatherly affection that the king clearly held for his anguished son.
“Might I speak with you alone, Lucien?” The request emerged as a gentle invitation rather than the harsh orders I was accustomed to.
Ryland and Evelyn promptly took their leave. Lucien followed their departure with a look like he longed to join them rather than remain behind for the king’s dreaded pronouncement. The moment the door clicked shut, he spun onto his father before the king even had a chance to speak.
“I want no part in whatever marriage you’ve arranged; I am still engaged to Princess Lisette.” His chin lifted in desperate defiance.
The king of Thorndale would never have allowed such an outspoken liberty even from his own son, but the Brimoire king’s expression remained kind. “I wish your original engagement to Princess Lisette of Thorndale could have gone through as planned. But though I understand your reluctance, unfortunately our kingdom cannot afford to lose the lose the aid a beneficial alliance would bring to our suffering people. I’m afraid you cannot delay your inevitable engagement to another any longer.”
Pain wrenched my heart. It wasn’t until I was face to face with the very real possibility that Lucien would be taken from me that I realized how desperately I wanted to keep him.
“I know.” By the despair wrenching Lucien’s voice, I had reason to hope he shared my same longings. “But it’s too soon to give up on the alliance created through my engagement with Lisette. Thorndale is one of the most powerful kingdoms in the region and I believe it’s worth keeping our engagement to their princess intact.”
The king studied Lucien. “Do you speak from a place of emotion or sense?”
“Both, but the latter is currently the only tool I have to persuade you: I’ve seen my vanished fiancée since she succumbed to the curse, as I showed you earlier.”
The king listened respectfully as Lucien shared the details concerning my invisibility and outlined the speculations we’d discussed with Ryland and Evelyn, filling in any developments he hadn’t been privy to. When he finished, the king of Brimoire leaned back with a weary sigh.
“While this promising development will undoubtedly benefit our research into the cause of the curse and how to break it moving forward, with time so pressing I’m not sure we can afford to delay a union that can help tend to our kingdom’s current needs. Negotiations proved quite difficult when all we currently have to offer is a crippled kingdom, and the agreement will cost us some of our previously exclusive minerals, but the situation with our dwindling food supply is too dire after the curse consumed so much of our farmland. We cannot afford to lose this opportunity, especially since you say that she’s vanished yet again…or have you since sensed her?”
Lucien drew a wavering breath, his expression conflicted. “Yes, I can still see—” His words faltered and his shoulders slumped. “No, I haven’t seen her since her second disappearance. But I know she’s still there, somewhere just beyond my reach.”
The king rested a hand on Lucien’s drooping shoulder. “I never realized how much Lisette meant to you. I can see that you are suffering deeply…but so is our entire nation. Though I acknowledge your pain, we can’t keep chasing after phantoms. As leaders our focus must be on ending Brimoire’s pain before any more of our people are lost.”
Determination set Lucien’s jaw as he evenly met the king’s gaze. “No matter where she is, my desire to marry her remains unchanged. Our relationship has developed beyond a mere beneficial alliance. No matter what it takes, I will do everything in my power to bring her back.”
I warmed at his declaration of dedication and loyalty, even when it seemed as if I’d permanently vanished, providing further encouragement to mend the distance my doubt had inflicted upon us…if I could find the courage to act on it before it was too late and Lucien was lost to me forever.