CHAPTER 17 KAYLEE
My mind continues to center on Ben as we order our meals and the waitress drops off some rolls. I grab one and slather on some butter before I scarf it down, carb counting be damned.
I’m nervous eating. I know it doesn’t make any sense, that usually when tummies are full of nerves it makes normal people not want to eat, but I’m the opposite. When I’m stressed or nervous, my body demands carb overload.
I should’ve ordered pasta. Maybe I’ll get the chocolate cake for dessert.
“What are you nervous about?” Dane asks, and the way he asks it makes me think he’s dropping a hint at something.
I can’t exactly admit that I’m nervous where I stand with Ben right now. I can’t exactly tell him that I’ve fallen for a guy who doesn’t believe in marriage when that’s a huge part of the future I always dreamed of.
“I’m not nervous. Just hungry. Lunch was at eleven and I haven’t had time to grab anything since.”
“Tell me about your first year of teaching,” he says. He’s trying to make conversation, and I’m sure he’s going to point out all the places where he could so easily slip back into my life, and I don’t want to be here.
At all.
I want to be at Ben’s place. I want to be snuggled in his arms on his couch while we watch a game or a movie or just talk. I want to be in that afterglow when he’s thoroughly worked my body over.
Instead I’m sitting at a table across from my ex.
“It sucked and I’m not going back.”
His brows rise. “You’re not? I thought teaching was what you wanted?”
“It took me a little bit of time to realize teaching was what my dad wanted for me. But he also wanted me to be happy, and I didn’t find that in my first career.”
“What are you going to do?” he asks.
I lift a shoulder. “My sister-in-law does public relations, and I’m going to work part time for her. She’s going to set me up with some paid sponsorships.”
His brows knit together. “You’re going to be an influencer?”
I shrug. “If people are interested. Ellie seems to think I have a great angle being related to not one but two football players.”
“And dating a third,” he says.
I nod.
“Weren’t you trying your whole life to get away from all that?”
“Yep. But it was Ben who made me see how much sense it makes to lean into the gifts I’ve been given rather than trying so hard to run away from them.
” I shrug. “I think what it comes down to is I always felt like I was last in line in my own family. I spent so much time trying to stand out to my dad that I chose the career he wanted for me rather than the one I wanted for myself.”
“What’s the one you want for yourself?”
“I don’t know,” I murmur. “Working with kids in a different aspect. I want to focus on health and fitness, on getting kids out to play instead of staying inside with electronics. I’m working on a proposal for a kids’ fitness program.
I have a lot of research to do and I’m going to start hitting that once the school year is over. ”
“So you have plans.”
I nod. “Yeah. If you’re asking whether I’m staying here or coming back home…”
He raises his brows. Yep, that’s exactly what he was asking.
I take a sip of wine. “The answer is simple. This is home now.”
It doesn’t feel like it most days, but I’m already lying about everything else. Why not add one more on top? Hopefully it’ll encourage him to back down. He’ll go back home to Chicago and the onslaught of confusion he has incited will die away in a few days.
He opens his mouth to say something, but then he seems to think twice about it. He presses his lips together. “I’m glad you’ve found your home.”
Our meals arrive, and I ask a little about his work conference to get the heat off me.
He’s a big data engineer with a computer science degree, and the conference he’s attending is all about interpreting statistics.
He’s passionate as he talks about it, but I’m pretty sure my eyes glazed over the second I asked the first question.
He finishes his last bite and uses his napkin to wipe his mouth before he throws it on top of his plate. “My boss thinks I should get a Master’s degree in business data analytics to help me advance my career.”
“Oh?” I ask. “Do they have that program near you?” I’ve hardly touched my shrimp, but I seem to have lost my appetite.
He nods. “It’s a pretty common degree these days, but my life is pretty much already dedicated to work.” He glances up from his plate to meet my eyes. “I think I had to throw myself into it since I was nursing a broken heart.”
He holds the eye contact, and I glance away first.
“We both knew there was an expiration date,” I say softly.
“Did we?” he asks. “Or were we just two people who weren’t quite ready yet?”
I blow out a breath. “No,” I say, shaking my head. “We were two people who weren’t right for each other.”
“But we find ourselves in a different place now.” He takes a sip of his wine, too, and the thought strikes me that I don’t see Ben ordering wine at a restaurant. It doesn’t matter who drinks what…the point is just how vastly different these two men are.
“Yeah, we do. I’m in Vegas. You’re in Chicago now.” I know he doesn’t mean geographically, but my mental energy of fighting him off is starting to wear thin.
He nods thoughtfully. “Yeah,” he murmurs.
“It’s getting late, and I have work tomorrow,” I say once he’s paid the bill. It’s not that late—not even nine o’clock yet—but a part of me wants to get home to see if Ben is still there. I stand, and he follows suit.
He sets a hand on my lower back to guide me. A year ago, that would’ve melted me. Today, I wish it were Ben’s hand.
“I’ll walk you to your car,” he says.
I hold up a hand. “That’s not necessary. I valeted anyway.”
“Then I’ll wait with you.”
I press my lips together. Obviously he wants the extra few minutes, and I decide not to fight it.
I hand my ticket off to the valet, and it’s fairly empty so it shouldn’t be too long of a wait.
“Thanks for meeting me,” Dane says. He grabs my hand and squeezes it.
“It was nice to catch up,” I say politely.
He nods and looks down at me, and I see the familiar question in his eyes.
When you’ve been with someone long enough, you can easily ascertain what they want just from a single look, and his eyes are telling me he wants to take me upstairs and do the things we did once upon a time.
His eyes flick to my lips, and that’s when his hand comes up around my neck and he leans in for a quick peck on the lips.
It’s so fast I don’t even realize it’s happening. A little spark ignites in my chest. It’s not an inferno of need or a wave of desire, but it’s home. It’s comfort. It’s familiar. And we did have an awful lot of good times together. We did laugh together. We did have some amazing sex.
Ahem…the second best sex of my life.
Still, though, my first thought as he pulls back is that I’m worried someone will see, that someone just took a picture and this whole Ben thing is going to blow up tomorrow as further evidence is planted that what we’re doing isn’t real.
I take a quick glance around, and I don’t see any photographers.
That doesn’t mean there aren’t any, though.
Regardless of who might’ve caught that or not, as far as Dane knows, I have a boyfriend. I back out of his orbit, and he has the audacity to look a little hurt by that.
“I have a boyfriend,” I say quietly.
“It was just a friendly kiss,” he protests. “I didn’t mean anything by it.”
“You were trying to make me see whether the spark between us is still there.”
“Well?” he asks pointedly.
“It doesn’t matter. I’m in love with somebody else. I’m happy you’ve realized what you want out of life, Dane, but it can’t be with me.”
“Can’t it?” He shrugs. “I’m in love with you, and I know you still feel it. Just think about what a life with someone like him might be like, and think about our history together. When it was good between us, it was good. We can have all that back if you’ll just give us a chance.”
A white BMW pulls up, and that’s me. “I need to go. Enjoy the rest of your time here in Vegas. Have a safe trip back home.”
I rush into the driver’s seat and don’t bother looking back, but I know he watches me until my car is out of sight.