CHAPTER 18 BEN
I went hard today.
Too hard.
My body feels like Jell-O and I’m a fucking idiot.
I flick off the television since I can’t pay attention to it right now anyway. I’m lying across the couch staring at a blank screen.
I’m antsy, but my body’s too worn down to move.
She’s probably on a date with that douchebag right now and I’m too nervous to call and find out for sure.
I went to Jack’s place with the hope of running into her.
I’m always at his place, so it’s not like it was out of the ordinary, but I never saw her.
Maybe she’s happier that way. Who knows?
But I owe it to her to explore that. I can’t make the sorts of promises for the things she wants, and so my easiest out was to run.
Nights like this make me want to go out, get fuck drunk, and make a complete ass of myself. Instead, I’m stuck at home playing the role of somebody else while I do my best to make my boss happy.
And maybe my biggest problem right now is that I have nobody to talk to about my current situation.
My closest friends are related to the center of the issue, and I don’t trust anybody outside of that circle except my dad, who’s currently two days away from taking this girl’s mother on a date, and Gramma Jean.
I snap my fingers. That’s it! I’ll call Gramma Jean. She’ll know what to do. Or she’ll give me a new recipe to try. Either way, hearing her voice will be a win. I glance at the clock. It’s a little before nine o’clock her time, so she might be asleep, but I dial her number anyway.
“Benny Boy!” she answers, and my chest warms hearing her voice. There’s nobody like grandma.
“Hey Gramma. How have you been?”
“Benjamin Joseph Olson, why has it been so long since you’ve called me?” she asks—the same thing she asks every time I call.
“I’m sorry.”
“Aside from wondering what you’ve been up to, I’ve been just fine, sugar.”
“Did I wake you?” I ask.
“Nah. My show’s on.”
I huff out a chuckle. “Sorry.”
“I hear it in your voice. What’s the matter? Is it a girl?”
God, she knows me well. “Something like that.”
“Oh, Benny. What did you do now?”
“I didn’t do anything,” I protest.
“And in doing nothing, that caused problems?” she correctly guesses.
“Maybe.”
“You never call me out of the blue at nine o’clock on a Wednesday night. You call me on Tuesday late morning when you remember. Now cut to the chase, kid. MacGyver just went to commercial and when it comes back, I have to find out how he solves this problem.”
I laugh, and it’s the first genuine laugh I’ve felt since Kaylee left my place yesterday. Only Gramma would not realize she could pause live television so she doesn’t have to miss a beat—or better yet, stream her program. She’s had a crush on that MacGyver guy as long as I’ve been alive.
“Click pause, Gramma,” I say patiently. I’m met with confused silence, so I add, “On your television remote. You can pause it so you don’t miss your show.”
“I will not pause Richard Dean Anderson.” Her tone is serious, and I can just picture her face as her eyes flash with anger at my suggestion.
“Okay, okay,” I relent with another laugh. “There’s a girl that I have feelings for but she’s the little sister of one of my best friends. It’s complicated, and now I’m pretty sure she’s on a date with another guy.”
“You’re the better man. She will choose you. Can I get back to my show now?”
I blow out a frustrated breath even though I know she’s just teasing me. “Gramma, you’ve seen that show twenty-five thousand times.”
“You know I’m teasing you, sugar. Why is she on a date with another guy?”
I stare at the blank television screen in front of me. “They used to date. He showed up out of nowhere saying he wanted to give her the future she always wanted. Marriage, kids, the whole shebang, and I’ve never wanted that future so I can’t make those same promises.”
“But she’s been with you anyway?”
“Yeah. We’re sort of seeing each other on the sly.” And by seeing each other, I mean fucking. But I can’t tell Gramma that, obviously.
“On the sly from who?” she asks.
I clear my throat. “Her family. Specifically her brother who’s my buddy. And now we have a deal where we’re publicly dating so the media catches wind that I’m not the partying asshole I’ve been made out to be.”
She’s quiet a beat, and then she says, “That’s a lot to process. Let me get this straight. What I’m hearing is you’re lying to the media, lying to her family, lying to her, and lying to yourself?”
“How am I lying to her?”
“By not telling her how you feel. And before you ask me how you’re lying to yourself,” she interrupts as I begin to protest, “clearly you’re in love with her and you won’t admit it.”
I sputter some nonsensical noises, but she’s right. All it took was one conversation for her to nail the issue.
“Listen up, kid, because I’m about to drop some wisdom on you,” she says, and I chuckle.
This right here? This is the entire reason I called her.
“First, falling in love and being with someone doesn’t necessarily mean you have to marry them.
Are you absolutely sure that’s what she wants?
Or do you think maybe she just wants you?
And on the other hand, just because marriage didn’t work out for your mother and father doesn’t mean it won’t work out for you.
You’re a stubborn boy, and once you latch onto a belief, there’s no swaying you from it.
But think about your life with this girl, and then think of your life without it.
What are you willing to sacrifice for her on either side of that line? ”
I clear my throat. “I made her your lemon chicken.”
She huffs out a soft laugh. “Chicken, ah lemon chicken,” she sings.
“I remembered the whole song. And she liked the chicken, too.”
“I’ve got a new one for you.” She clears her throat and starts a new song to the tune of “Rock Around the Clock.” “We’re gonna cook around the stove tonight, we’re gonna cook cook cook some tasty bites.”
I laugh. “You’re the best, Gramma.”
“Right back at you, kiddo. Now keep the calls to the morning when MacGyver isn’t on.”
“When I’m up there for the summer, I’m getting you a streaming service and training you how to use it so you can watch your show any time of the day or night.”
“Sounds good, sugar,” she says, and I can hear the smile in her voice. “Keep me updated on the girl.”
“Will do.” I hang up, and while that conversation didn’t solve any problems, it did give me a whole lot of food for thought.
Life with Kaylee versus life without her.
I know what I want, but that doesn’t mean I’m willing to sacrifice my entire belief system.
But I think it is worth a conversation. It might end up being a difficult conversation, or one where the outcome isn’t what I want, but at least then I’ll have answers versus sitting in this land of total confusion.
Now if I could just get “Cook around the Stove” out of my head, I’ll be all set.