CHAPTER 19 KAYLEE
The final bell rings and it’s official. I have one week of school left. Forever and ever.
Amen.
I tell my students I’ll see them tomorrow as they file out of the room, and then I collapse into my chair once the hinged door latches shut behind the last kid.
I blow out a breath. All the papers have been graded and returned.
We’re prepping for final exams. Our principal thinks it’s important preparation for high school to give these types of exams, and we’re required to make them worth ten percent of students’ grades.
Janet has told me that we should prepare students by giving them a chance to learn study skills in class as we study for the exam together.
It’s actually a nice break from the grind of teaching literature all year.
Read a book, discuss it, write an essay on it.
Rinse, repeat. We’ve hit all the standards we need to hit, and I feel like my students are well prepared for the exam.
Still, though, doing exam prep for a week gives me plenty of time to pack up and prepare for whatever comes next.
The door opens a half hour or so after the last bell and Ashley walks in. We’re not besties, but we’ve become work friends. “So is it true?”
My brows dip. “Is what true?”
“You and the Big O Thunder.”
I laugh. “Yeah. It’s true.”
“Oh my God, girl! How could you not tell me?”
I lift a shoulder. “It’s kind of new and I wasn’t ready to talk about it yet.”
“How’s it going?” She plops on top of one of the student desks.
I sigh. Not great at the moment considering we’re getting close to forty-eight hours of silence, but I don’t mention that. Instead, I offer a smile as I’m suddenly thankful that we’re nothing more than work friends. She can’t tell my fake smiles from my genuine ones. “It’s going amazingly well.”
“I’m happy for you. I heard you’re not coming back. Is it because of him?”
I press my lips together. “It’s all part of it, I think.
I can’t just live my life because of who my brothers are.
I never thought it would matter, but literally every day I get comments from kids about my brothers or my boyfriend.
Janet hates me because she’s a Seahawks fan. It’s been a tough year.”
“Yeah, the first year is never easy, but add on top of it all that stuff and I’m sure it would drive most anyone away.” She glances around. “You need any help packing up?”
I shake my head. “It won’t take long. Do you want my teaching materials? I’m not going to need them anymore.”
She nods enthusiastically. “I’ll take anything you want to share.”
I turn around and grab a few binders off the bookcase behind my desk and walk them over to her. “We can start with these, and I’ll send kids over with more.”
“Amazing. Thank you so much!” She flips through the pages. “This stuff is so good. Are you sure you don’t want to teach anymore?”
I shrug. “I just don’t think it’s for me.”
“So what are you going to do?” she asks.
“I’m working on it.”
The door opens again, and we both turn to look at who’s coming in.
And if I am surprised at who walks in, Ashley is freaking shocked.
“Oh my God. It’s really you!” Ashley squeals as the man wearing a backward baseball cap walks into my room.
His dark eyes connect with mine.
My thighs clench together.
“I am such a huge fan!” Ashley continues to squeal.
Ben nods and offers a smile. “Thank you.”
“So this really is real?” she asks.
I look at him and shrug. We haven’t spoken in two days since the weird dinner at his house, but he’s here now my first thought is that he’s here to end this whole charade.
“Yeah,” he says. He glances out the window and I’m not sure how to get rid of Ashley so I can find out what Ben is doing here. He finally returns his gaze to me and takes care of that particular issue. “Can we talk?”
I nod and look at Ashley. “I’m sorry. Would you mind excusing us?”
“Of course.” She gives Ben a wide smile. “Knock ‘em dead this season.” She winks at me. “I’ll lock the door on my way out.” She must be oblivious to the tension in the room, or maybe she thinks it’s of the sexual brand, but either way, she goes.
And she does lock the door.
“What’s up, Trouble?” I ask. It’s weird having him here in this classroom.
He’s such a huge presence at somewhere around six and a half feet tall built completely out of muscle, and he looks absolutely out of place as he looks around for somewhere to sit.
The desks in my classroom have the seats attached, so it’s unlikely he’ll be able to fold his legs into one of those.
Instead, he wanders over toward the window and sighs.
“You went to dinner with him?”
I hear the vulnerability in his voice.
I clear my throat as I wonder how he knows. Did a photo emerge? Was it of that quick kiss at the end of our date? “Yes.”
“Did you kiss him?”
“He kissed me.”
He turns toward me and presses his lips together for a beat. “Do you want him back?”
I shrug, not sure how much of my own vulnerability to allow through here. “I don’t know. We have a history, and he’s telling me all the things I want to hear, but I’ve got a contract for the next few months with you and I won’t do anything to jeopardize that.”
He nods as he focuses his gaze down at the ground. “A contract. Right. Look, if you want to be with him, if he’s your future, I won’t stand in your way.”
“Why do you keep pushing me toward him?” The words tumble unfiltered out of my mouth, and even I’m surprised for a second that I actually said them…but I don’t regret it.
His eyes move slowly up to mine. “I’m not trying to push you. I’m doing everything I can to give you the space to make your choice.”
“What are my choices, Ben?” I ask. Frustration strangles me and I can’t help that it’s evident in my voice.
He lifts a shoulder. “Going back to him or sticking this thing out with me.”
“That’s it?” I press. It just feels like there’s more he’s not saying, and I’m not sure how hard to push to get him to talk. “Is that why you came here today? To ask if I’m going back to him?”
He blows out a long breath but doesn’t say anything.
I try another tack. “I haven’t heard from you in two days. You were weird at dinner the other night the second I mentioned Dane, and you’re being weird now.”
“I’m sorry,” he says quietly. This isn’t him. This man in front of me…it’s not the playful, fun, sexy Ben I’ve come to know. Something is weighing him down. “This is just unfamiliar to me.”
“What is?”
He licks his lips and glances out the window before his eyes return to the spot on the floor in front of him. He sighs again, and I brace myself for whatever he’s about to tell me. “It’s just…it’s everything.”
“Define everything.” I fold my arms over my chest as nerves take hold of my heart.
He turns to the window, like he can’t look at me while he makes this confession, and I’m suddenly less anxious and more scared of whatever’s weighing on him.
“Come on, Ben,” I practically yell. “Just say what you want.”
“I want you all to myself,” he begins. “I want you for more than just one night. I want you to tell that douchebag it’s over with him rather than being confused with whether you want to be with him or continue this charade that’s not really a charade at all anymore with me.
” He finally turns around and his eyes connect with mine.
They’re full of need and want and…something warm. Is it…love?
He lowers his voice. “I want you to tell me you want me, too, that you’re feeling these same things, this same confusion and this feeling like you can’t imagine life without me in it now because that’s how I feel about you.”
He walks a few steps closer to me and he slaps his palm on my desk.
“And I want to perch you on the edge of this desk so I can slam my cock into you because however many days it’s been is way too fucking long for me to go without being inside you.
” His eyes burn into mine. “There. That’s what I want. Happy now?”
I push my chair back from my desk as conflicting feelings plow into me.
“No, I’m not happy now.” I stand up and place my palms on my desk.
I lean on them in some attempt to look intimidating—but I’m no match for him.
“You don’t get to come here and throw out all these confusing words and act like I am the one causing the problems between us. ”
His eyes flash with confusion as I straighten.
“You don’t get to stand there and pretend like I’m the one holding us back.” My voice is a hiss. As much as his words pulsed a sense of relief in me, they also incited a bit of anger…and apparently anger is winning at the moment.
“No, I don’t want Dane,” I say. I clench my fists and my voice starts to rise as the anger seems to take flight. “I want you. I’m falling for you, Ben, and that’s fucking terrifying since you’ve been nothing but honest about what you want from me.”
“I lied,” he hisses back, and he places his palms on my desk in a face-off with me.
I flinch at his words then mirror his position as I lean down on my palms again. “About what?”
“About what I want. Because fuck it all, I’m falling for you, too. I can’t give you the things you want in your future, the things you deserve, and that is why I haven’t told you how I feel.”
We stare each other down, and I can’t tell if we’re angry at each other or what the hell is going on.
The air is thick with tension, and as his eyes burn into mine, something snaps.
We want the same damn thing.
We want different futures, but we want each other.
The whole reason I ended my last relationship was because I wanted the future he didn’t want…and now it’s happening again.
Still, though…isn’t it worth giving it a try? Maybe I don’t need the things I always dreamed of if I have Ben. Maybe he’s the ultimate dream.
If nothing else, we’ve got at least the next five months to figure it out.