Chapter Seven Ren #2
Yeah, shifting back from wolf to human hadn’t killed off the desire to let my mate claim me. But behind the desire was fear. We would go inside. To my room, probably, since Xavier shared a room with one of the other guards. We would lie down together on my bed.
Anything might happen, and the fact that I didn’t know what “anything” I wanted only increased the fear.
“Can you get inside?” Xavier asked. “I can help if you need.”
He could carry me. Like he’d done the day I showed up. Carry me into the house and all the way up to my room. Holding me against his body on the way to my bed.
Shit. That wasn’t going to happen. My wolf wanted it. Wanted to be claimed so bad it hurt, or maybe that was just the pain of not accepting my mate. I didn’t care. I couldn’t. Not tonight. Maybe not ever.
I wanted him, don’t get me wrong. Having sex with Xavier wasn’t the issue. It was the claiming. The knowledge that I wouldn’t be able to leave even if I wanted to.
“Ren.” He sighed and stood. “Let’s give him space to get dressed. Thank you all for hunting with us.”
“Yeah, of course.” Jamie sounded like he was smiling. I couldn’t see him past Xavier. “We’ll see you later.”
“Take care.” Felicia got to her feet. “I’m around if you ever want to talk.”
“Thank you.” I didn’t think I would take her up on that. There was some heavy sadness around her. I didn’t know what it was about, but she clearly had her own stuff to deal with.
Once the three Boston wolves were gone, I yanked my shirt over my head and finally relaxed. For whatever reason, my chest bothered me way more than what was between my legs, and I was always relieved to hide it.
I shimmied into the shorts without getting up. Like I’d done the day I arrived. I was finding way too many similarities between that day and tonight, and I didn’t like it. At all.
“I’m all set,” I said to Xavier’s broad back.
He turned, his face crinkled in concern. “Ren, even between mates who haven’t declared or claimed, the bond is stronger on full moon nights because of our wolves.”
I got what he was saying, and instantly wished I could turn invisible. Or sink into the ground. Anything to avoid having this conversation again. “Oh, fucking hell.”
He chuckled softly and sat beside me again. “Nothing to be embarrassed about. It isn’t like I don’t feel it too.”
“You said sex isn’t a thing for you.”
He shook his head. “I said it isn’t a big deal for me. I’ve had sex. It’s nice. I want you, Ren, but we have…”
He pressed his lips together and looked down at the ground.
“I don’t even know how to say what’s on my mind without sounding offensive, so can we go inside and talk there? That’ll give me time to put some words together.”
“Sure.” I hesitated. “It’s about me being trans.”
“Not the way you’re thinking.” He scoffed. “Ren, I just…Look, please, let’s talk inside.” He flapped his hand past his shoulder. “Everyone doesn’t need to hear.”
“Yeah.” My heart sank, and I would have turned away from him if I could have moved without every part of my body screaming. The pain was worse now than immediately after I shifted, and I didn’t know if it was residual pain from shifting or because of what Xavier was saying.
He said he wanted me, but he also wanted to say something that might sound offensive. Something about me being a trans guy. He alleged that it didn’t bother him, but clearly something was bothering him.
“Can you stand?” He got up and held out his hand. “You’re hurting.”
“Yeah. Fuck shifting.” I sighed and tried to push myself up off the ground. It didn’t work out too well. “Goddamn it!”
“Ren, let me help you.” Bending, he reached out to me. “I can carry you.”
“Everyone’s going to look.” Like that was the most important thing to worry about right now. I rolled my eyes. If I couldn’t get up under my own power, I didn’t have much choice but to let Xavier bring me inside. Even if people did stare. “Yeah. Whatever.”
“Emotions get weird after shifting.” He carefully scooped me up and cradled me the way he had the other day. When he’d done exactly this even though he knew nothing about me and had no reason to care other than fate yapping at us that we belonged together.
His touch didn’t cause that jolt this time. It just felt reassuring. He would take care of me. Whatever was on his mind, he cared about me.
Past everyone who was coming back from the hunt, he carried me. He stopped when we reached Zane Wolfskin, just long enough to say, “It was his first hunt. He’s in a lot of pain. I need to get him to his room.”
“I’ll let the Anax know where you are.” Zane studied me, and my face heated. I quickly looked away. I hadn’t learned much about the werewolf thing yet, but I knew better than to look directly at someone with so much power. “Ren, I hope you recover easily. The first full moon is never easy.”
“Th—thank you.” At the last second, as Xavier started moving again, I remembered to add, “Arkhon.”
“You’re welcome.” He sounded amused. I didn’t have the brain power to try to figure out why.
Upstairs, Xavier settled me on my bed and went to the door. “I’m going to get food and water for us. Since we didn’t eat during the hunt, we both should have something now. It might help with the pain. Your body needs fuel.”
“Fine,” I muttered, wrapping my arms around myself. I was suddenly freezing, which was ridiculous on a June night when the temperature had barely dropped from what it was during the day. I slipped under the blanket as Xavier left the room.
He wouldn’t come back, something in my mind insisted.
Getting food and something to drink was just an excuse to get away from me.
He would get stuff for himself and stay downstairs, or go to his own room.
His big, important discussion wouldn’t happen, because he wouldn’t come back. He had no reason to.
Except he did. Within minutes, he walked back into the room, carefully balancing a small tray that held a platter of sandwich fixings and four small bottles of water. He set the tray on the foot of the bed and stepped back, his hands clasped in front of him. “Help yourself.”
“You can sit down.” He would have to sit on the bed or the floor. I wasn’t sure which would be worse.
“You sure?” He pushed the tray closer to me and sat where it had been. With some space between us, I felt even more off-kilter. Did I want him beside me? Inside me? Who the fuck knew?
If this was how I was going to be after every hunt, I definitely didn’t want to go through it again. The shitty thing being, of course, that I would have no choice. On the night of the full moon, I had to shift whether I wanted to or not.
Being a werewolf sucked.
“Hey,” he said softly. “It’s okay. It isn’t fun, but it’s not unusual to be all over the place on hunt night.”
“I think this goes beyond ‘all over the place.’” I pulled the blanket up higher. I wasn’t cold anymore, but I liked having it as a shield. “Look, would you please just tell me what you didn’t say outside? Knowing what you’re thinking would help.”
“Yeah.” He nudged the tray. “I’ll talk if you eat. You might not think you’re hungry, but trust me, your body needs to rebuild energy after shifting.”
I picked up a roll and slapped some sliced ham and a couple pieces of cheese between the halves, then took a bite. “Talk,” I said with my mouth full.
“You have…Fuck.” He took a piece of roast beef from the tray and stared at it.
“Just talk.” I was getting pissed, but somewhere beneath the anger, I understood that he was trying to find words that wouldn’t set me off.
“Xavier, I know you’re not transphobic. You aren’t an asshole. Just say what you need to say and don’t worry about the words you use. I’ll tell you if you’re offensive.”
“Okay.” He put the meat in his mouth, chewed, and swallowed, then opened one of the waters and took a long drink.
So much for talking. Apparently I was just going to watch him eat. I munched on my sandwich so I wouldn’t yell at him to hurry the fuck up and speak.
“You have a vagina.” His face reddened slightly. “When you have sex, is that…Like, do you like having…” He shook his head. “I don’t talk about things like this often.”
“Pretty sure you haven’t talked about this specific situation ever.”
My anger melted just a little. The poor guy was trying.