Chapter Eleven Ren
Two weeks ago, I hadn’t even known Xavier Pelly existed.
Or that werewolves existed, for that matter.
Two weeks ago, my biggest fears were someone bashing me on the street, having nowhere to sleep, and not being able to find food.
Which, to be fair, were pretty big fears, especially after having to leave multiple shelters because they wouldn’t accept a trans guy.
One shelter worker had literally told me they didn’t accept “the trans” because figuring out whether to place them with men or women was “too complicated.”
Two weeks ago, my life was running, hiding, and praying.
And then motherfucking Arian Davies, or whatever his name was, had been running in wolf form exactly where I was walking as a human, had attacked me—and had destroyed my life.
His Alpha had promised me safety. Pack meant family, he’d said, and pack looked out for each other.
Now here I was, at the Anax’s primary house, feeling exposed.
Vulnerable. We weren’t a pack, and even though the Anax had assured me this was my home now, I couldn’t help fearing that I’d be out on the streets again any day now.
Especially with the city right there. I’d never lived in Boston, but I knew big cities.
I knew the secrets and hatred and harm that lurked beneath the glowing skyline.
At the hunt house, I’d felt safe. Hidden among hundreds of other werewolves, because no one paid much attention to me.
I was just one of many. Even during the Anax’s wedding, enough other people had been around that I’d kind of blended in.
There were trees there. Peace. For the first time in… well, ever, I’d been able to breathe.
I couldn’t breathe here. Especially not when planes sounded like they were going to come right through the goddamn walls.
Or when I looked out the window and saw the city.
Or when I pushed Xavier away the night we arrived because I didn’t dare to ask him to stay with me.
He wasn’t my fucking teddy bear or my therapist. Hell, he wasn’t my anything.
Except the spike through my heart when he walked away said otherwise. He was mine, like my wolf had told me the first time I set eyes on him. I should have apologized to him the morning after I refused to let him in, but I couldn’t, because that would have meant too much.
Breakfast was mostly me sitting at one end of the table listening to the Anax and the guards.
I sat beside Xavier, and something within me felt pulled toward him.
I ignored it. He had work to do. He wasn’t here to watch over me.
I was surprised the Anax and the other guards hadn’t complained about how much time he’d spent with me at the hunt house.
After we ate, the Anax and I made plans.
Chloe wasn’t willing to have me help her in the kitchen, not because of anything about me but simply because she preferred working alone.
Luz made it pretty damn clear when the Anax introduced us that she wanted nothing to do with me.
Not that she said so, of course, since the Anax was standing right there.
She just said she didn’t need help with the housework.
But I recognized her expression. Disgust bordering on hatred.
The Anax didn’t announce that I was trans, but I was well aware I didn’t pass as a guy.
At least I wouldn’t have to see much of Luz. She showed up on weekday mornings and an occasional weekend, cleaned, and went home. The house was big enough that I could make sure to be in a different part of it from her.
Since there was nothing else for me to do, the Anax assigned me to work with Kyle on developing the online structures for the support groups. Starting with Virtual Haven. The Anax and Kyle had concluded that that was the most-needed group out of the ones they’d planned. I agreed.
I didn’t know a whole hell of a lot about computer shit.
I’d barely touched a computer since high school, because it wasn’t as if I’d had much opportunity.
But in school, I’d taken some tech classes, and Kyle was surprisingly and seriously good at explaining what he wanted to do and how we might make it happen.
Thanks to him, I quickly picked up on what was needed.
It helped that he made me more responsible for handwriting notes and plans than for the actual tech stuff.
That was the way the next few days went. Me working with Kyle, missing Xavier, wishing I dared to apologize to him, wishing I wasn’t here. I saw Xavier at meals, of course, but I tried to keep some distance from him. Physically and emotionally. Neither of which worked particularly well.
When I was alone in my room, I remembered why I needed to give both of us some space.
We weren’t playing lovers or whatever the fuck we’d been doing at the hunt house.
He had his job, I had mine, and at night the memories and nightmares surfaced, shit I’d done and experienced since leaving my parents’ house the day after I turned eighteen.
Awake, I could usually deal with those thoughts.
My parents had told me to leave because I wasn’t the perfect daughter they wanted, and I’d done what I’d had to do to survive with no home and, most of the time, no job or money.
Xavier didn’t know about any of that shit, and I was a little afraid to tell him.
I wasn’t ashamed of what I’d done…Except fuck yes, I was, at least when it came to being with someone like Xavier.
Someone my high school friend Tina would have called a “pure cinnamon roll,” though I wasn’t sure that fully applied to a six-five linebacker type who could probably break people with his bare hands.
Believing he deserved a better mate than me made staying away from him easier.
No less painful, and the guilt was ridiculous, but it was easier.
Right up until Friday night, when he walked into the dining room.
The Anax and Kyle were gone; they’d decided to take a honeymoon weekend road trip.
Seth and Benjy, another of the guards, had gone with them because Seth had insisted that the Anax couldn’t travel without a guard.
I imagined the guards’ presence would put one hell of a crimp in the honeymoon plans.
That meant that while the rest of the guards still needed to watch the house, they had the weekend off from guarding the Anax.
Meanwhile, I had nothing to do, because Kyle explicitly told me to leave the website stuff alone until he got back.
Not that I blamed him. I’d massively fucked something up the day before, and instead of making progress, Kyle had spent about three hours undoing whatever it was I’d done.
Supper was less formal than usual. Chloe had taken the night off, though she would be back the following morning to make sure the guards and I had food.
Laurits opted to order pizza, wings, and various other foods to keep us going for the night, and he informed the other guards that they wouldn’t need to do an official debriefing like they usually did at supper.
Which meant, because I wasn’t paying attention to where Xavier was, that he and I wound up alone in the dining room.
“Hey.” He plopped a couple slices of loaded pizza on a plate and sat in his usual chair, though he could have sat anywhere.
“Um, hey.” I glanced over my shoulder. Looking for someone to interrupt the tension?
For an escape? I had no clue. I didn’t see either, so I took a slice of pepperoni pizza and a handful of buffalo wings and went to the chair where I’d been sitting the past few days.
At the end of the table, on the other side from Xavier.
“You could sit closer,” he said. “I’m not poisonous.”
“I thought the phrase was usually ‘I don’t bite.’” I stayed in the chair I’d picked, ignoring the urge to go sit beside him. Or on him. Fuck. I’d believed I’d gotten rid of the lust bullshit when it came to him.
“I do bite. When I’m invited to.” He chuckled. “Maybe I listen to Kyle a little too much. I’m glad you’re here, Ren. I’ve been wondering how you’re doing.”
“Yeah?” He sure hadn’t given any sign of it. No trying to chat with me at meals or around the house. No nighttime knocks on my door.
Which shouldn’t have bothered me, because that was how I wanted it, right? For him to back off, find someone better, leave me alone so if I had to leave, it wouldn’t matter so much.
“Yeah.” He brought his plate to the chair beside mine. I flinched slightly as he sat down, and he tilted his head. “Ren, what is happening? Did I do something?”
“No, of course not. I, um. Fuck.” I picked a pepperoni off the pizza and popped it in my mouth.
He didn’t speak, just waited while I chewed up the damn pepperoni and swallowed it. Which left me with no reason not to answer his question. Fuck.
“You didn’t do anything.” I picked up one of the wings but didn’t bother trying to eat it. With Xavier just sitting there looking at me, my appetite took a nosedive. “I feel weird being here. That’s all. It’s a lot to get used to.”
“I was going to help you get used to it.” Sadness crept into his voice. He took a bite of pizza.
“Shit.” How the hell was I supposed to sit here with him being a goddamn sad puppy dog while I didn’t have an explanation? No reason for the way I’d been avoiding him. No…
Fuck yes, I had a reason. “I can’t talk about this here.”
“Then we can talk privately.” He pushed his plate away. After a second, he got up and dropped his untouched pizza slice back into the box. “That’ll still be here later. Unless you’re hungry, I would really like to hear what you’re not saying. Please.”
“Um.” Great. I’d talked myself into a corner. Then again, maybe it was time to actually get all the shit in my head out in the open. “Fine. We can talk privately. I’m not hungry. Where do you want to talk?”
He hesitated. For a second, I was sure he would ask to go to my room.
Which I would have to say no to. That small space had become my sanctuary, and I didn’t want anyone in there.
It was the smallest bedroom, carved out of a larger room by an afterthought wall, but at least there was soundproofing.
Mandeep slept in the room next door, and he was quiet enough that sometimes I couldn’t tell whether or not he was in his room.
Slightly smaller than the room I’d used at the hunt house, this one was the place I felt safest in this house.