Chapter Eleven Ren #2
As much as I sometimes wished Xavier was beside me at night, I didn’t want anything to disrupt the energy of the space.
To my relief, he said, “Third floor. There’s a guest room up there, and the Anax’s space. He doesn’t mind if others use it when he isn’t there.”
“His space?” I walked out of the room toward the back stairs, half hoping he wouldn’t follow. Of course, he did. “What does that mean?”
“He likes to look at the ocean.” He paused. “There’s a room up on the third floor that has a great view of the harbor. His tower, he calls it. He goes up there sometimes when he needs time alone.”
“I like the ocean,” I said quietly. I always had, even though until now I’d mostly only seen it on TV and in pictures. Being able to look out at the water was the bright spot of being in this house, even with the city right on the other side of it.
He didn’t answer, just stayed behind me as we headed up to the third floor. I stopped at the top of the stairs. “I haven’t been up here before.”
“The room with the ocean view is in here.” He passed me, and I flinched, half hoping he wouldn’t brush against me and half hoping he would. He didn’t; he kept several inches between us. At an open door, he stopped. “Will this work?”
“For crying out loud, we’re acting like this is some kind of top secret deal. It isn’t, is it?”
I walked through the doorway and over to the window, where I caught my breath.
From here, the ocean stretched to the horizon.
The skyline was more to the side; this window faced the open water, which shone and sparkled with early evening sunlight. “Oh, wow. This is an amazing view.”
“Yeah.” He came to stand beside me. “I mean, yeah, it’s amazing. No, it isn’t top secret as far as I know. What is happening between us?”
“You really believe in putting it all out there, don’t you?”
Scoffing, I stepped closer to the window.
This was absolutely not a conversation I wanted to have, because I had no fucking clue what was happening between us.
I liked him. Cared about him. Wanted him far, far away from me because the way he made me feel scared the shit out of me.
And I couldn’t get out of talking to him, because here we were, alone.
Alone with the guy I’d kissed. Snuggled against at night. The guy I…
Yeah, nope, I was not letting my thoughts go there.
“At the hunt house, we were close. I think,” he said slowly. “Look, Ren. I’m not meaning to confront you or put you on the spot. I’m confused. That’s all. Something went wrong between the hunt house and here.”
He was right about that. I just wished I had the words to explain it.
Frowning, I looked up at him. “I think it’s just…here. This house. The hunt house, that’s where we met. You kept me safe. You were on duty and had responsibilities, but you took care of me, too.”
My voice broke, so I shut up. He’d taken care of me.
And as much as I loved it, that was what scared me the most.
“That’s what I planned to do here.” He stuck his hands in his pockets. “The only thing that changed is the location. Which is going to happen every month. Hunt house for full moon nights, then back here. The Anax owns both houses, but this one is his and Kyle’s together. Their home.”
“Okay.” Maybe that was part of the problem.
Here, I felt more like I was intruding on their lives.
Or maybe not. Fuck, I didn’t even know what was going on in my head.
I turned back to the window. “It was quieter there, though. Even during the gathering, even when the Anax had those fights, something about that place felt more settled, I guess? I can’t explain it. Here, I just feel like I don’t quite fit.”
“You fit.” He rested his hand lightly on my shoulder, and it felt nice. Like his hand belonged there. Which didn’t really help. “Ren, you fit with me. Right here.”
“That might not be enough.” Hesitantly, I reached up to touch his hand.
And there was that jolt again. What the fuck was I doing?
Torn between leaning into him and pushing him away, I blurted the question.
“What am I doing here? I can’t live off the Anax and Kyle forever.
I’m working with Kyle, you know that, but they just did that because Chloe doesn’t need help and Luz…
She isn’t thrilled about having a trans guy here, I think.
“Oh?” He moved a tiny bit closer. “What do you mean?”
“I don’t want to cause shit for her. Forget I said anything.” I sighed. “This is what I mean. She has a place here. Chloe does. All of you. And I’m just the stray the Anax took in.”
“No one else sees it that way.” His voice was stony, but he gently caressed my shoulder, and I relaxed. A little.
“Maybe,” I said. “You can’t read all of their minds. Anyway, I don’t know. I just feel like…Fuck.”
My voice was breaking again, and I was damned if I would cry in front of Xavier after spending the last few days acting like I wanted nothing to do with him.
“I have to earn being here. At the hunt house, I went for help. The Anax let me stay because there was nowhere else to send me. Here…How long until he’s sick of the dead weight and ships me off to some pack or something?”
I gave up on the not crying thing, because clearly my emotions knew better than I did. Yanking myself away from Xavier, I covered my face with my hands and tried to at least not sob so loud everyone in the frigging house would hear me.
“That isn’t going to happen.” Xavier practically yelled it, and I flinched. “Sorry,” he said more quietly. “I’m not mad at you, Ren. I’m upset for you. That you’re afraid like this. The Anax told you you’re his wolf, didn’t he? That you can stay with him as long as you want?”
“Yeah.” Heart sinking, I bowed my head and let my hands fall to my side. He knew I was crying. No point in hiding. But I didn’t plan what I said next. “No one gives something for nothing.”
“Oh, Ren.” His tone was so filled with compassion that it brought another wave of tears to my eyes.
“Listen. You’ve had that experience before. That you have to give to get. The Anax isn’t like that. He declared you under his direct rule. To him, that means he has a responsibility to you. Not the other way around, not a mutual thing, just he’s responsible to and for you.
He doesn’t want anything from you.”
“Okay, say you’re right. I still don’t want to be here unless I have a reason to be.”
With a deep breath, I shook my head. “I mean, I guess I do, but basically the Anax and Kyle just, like, created something for me. Kyle doesn’t really need help with the support group stuff. He knows way more about building websites and that kind of thing than I do.
They’re just letting me do it because I said I didn’t want to sit around on my ass.”
He didn’t say anything for a few seconds. Just when I couldn’t take the silence anymore, he finally spoke. “Maybe on Monday, talk to the Anax about this?”
I shrugged. “It isn’t worth bothering the Anax about, is it?”
“Of course it is. You’re worth it.” To my surprise he knelt in front of me, so for a change he was the one looking up at me. “Ren, you’re one of us now. Other people have told you that, right? Not just people who live here.”
“Yeah.” Frustrated, I looked down at him. “I wish we could go back there. To the hunt house. I mean to stay, not only next full moon. Something is just off here.”
“I could ask,” he said. “The Anax and Kyle won’t be back until tomorrow night. I need to check in with Laurits because he’s in charge of the guards while Seth is gone, but we could probably go out there.”
“I…No.” Shit. I hadn’t meant it as a suggestion. I bit my lip. “I mean, yeah, it would be good to be there. Fuck. I don’t know what I mean. You didn’t ask to speak privately so I could babble inanely at you.”
“I asked you to speak privately because we haven’t been speaking much.” Slowly, he stood again and took my hand. “I miss you, Ren. Seeing you at meals is good, but I miss the way things were at the hunt house. We’re still friends, yeah?”
“Still friends. Still mates.” Still terrified. Still wanting to hide from him. I shivered. “I wish I had a blanket.”
“Are you cold?” He glanced around. There was a bed in this room, with a pair of blankets folded at the foot. “I can get one.”
“Not cold. I like being wrapped up. It feels safer.” Yeah, that made total sense. I scoffed. “I’m ridiculous.”
“No, you aren’t.” He grabbed the top blanket off the bed and carefully draped it over my shoulders. “Here.”
“Thanks.” I pulled the blanket around myself, and now, finally, I felt secure.
Maybe I should have just been walking around with a damn security blanket this whole time.
I could breathe. I could glance up at Xavier through my eyelashes and actually see those gorgeous brown eyes of his.
And his lashes. All the times we’d been so close together, how had I not noticed how long those lashes were?
At a sudden rush of lust and something I refused to identify, I cleared my throat.
“Okay. Look, I’ve missed you too. I didn’t know what the rules were here. At the other house, people didn’t notice.”
“They noticed.” He chuckled softly. “We work for a gay Anax with a male mate. You think anyone here is going to be bothered about us?”
Us? I blinked. I almost wished he hadn’t said it, and I could hear the thoughts running through his head. There was no “us” yet. We were friends. Who slept together in the literal sense of the phrase. And kissed.
Okay, so the kisses hadn’t exactly been friend-like. But they still didn’t equal an “us.”
Or maybe they did. He was adorably flustered, his face reddening, and that made me brave enough to joke about it. “Us. Is that what we are? Stop angsting over saying it. I’m not complaining.”
“Okay.” He touched the blanket. “This is making you bold.”
I laughed. “I’m not sure how much of it’s the blanket, but yeah, hiding makes being visible easier. That’s my philosophical observation for the day. I’m sorry I’ve been avoiding you, Xavier. Like I said, I don’t know how things work here. I didn’t want to cause issues. Or have any.”
“I get it.” He smiled back, and finally something clicked into place between us. “Yeah, we’re us. If that’s okay with you.”