Chapter Fourteen Xavier
We settled together on the bed, under the blanket we didn’t really need on a summer night. Its warmth, or maybe its weight, seemed to reassure Ren, so I was fine with it.
More than fine. Being away from him today, even though I was in the same house, had been torture. After two days of sitting beside Ren’s bed, waiting to see if he would wake up, desperate to take care of him, I’d struggled to put my mind back on my job.
Particularly when the day was the quietest one we’d had in a while.
The Anax stayed in his office, working through the processes and arrangements necessary to restructure Connecticut Pack.
Mandeep was in the office with him; Seth stationed Davion outside the office door.
Kyle parked himself in Ren’s room with his laptop so the two of them could work on Virtual Haven.
Other than checking on them a few times, a task I was grateful to be assigned, my role for the day was simply monitoring the yard for any disturbances.
In other words, the day was boring as hell. Most of the time, I liked boring. Today, though, all the peace did for me was drive home how badly I wanted to be with Ren.
Now, thank gods, I had the night to spend with him. Holding him close. Reassuring myself that this was real. Ren was in my arms, warm and alive, and I wouldn’t let him go again unless he told me to.
My mate had survived. He was healing physically, and I intended to do everything I could to support his emotional healing.
He would need help, and I could only do so much, but I would be by his side while he worked through the life he’d led until now.
While he received therapy from Suzannah Daigle.
While he learned to trust that sometimes good things didn’t disappear.
I wasn’t going to disappear. I’d fucked up so badly by not going after him when he took off that night, and I would never make that mistake again. Ren could have died. I could have lost my mate, and death was forever.
I shivered and pulled him closer. I’d been wrong not to go after him right away when he ran from me, but at least Laurits and I had found him in time. Before his wolf took control to defend him. Before Gregory beat him beyond what Ren could heal.
I took a long breath and shoved away the might-have-been thoughts. Ren hadn’t shifted. He hadn’t died. He was here, in my arms, and I would do everything in my power to make sure no one ever harmed him again.
Ren nudged me onto my back and curled against me, his head on my chest.
I encircled him with my arms but kept my embrace loose enough that he could easily get out of it if he wanted.
His hair, spiky but soft, smelled like cinnamon and apples.
His entire body did. A warm smell that reminded me of being a kid cuddling with my grandmother, which wasn’t the image I wanted in my head when I lay there embracing my mate.
For a while, we simply lay, bundled in the blanket and wrapped in each other. It felt more right, more perfect, than anything I’d experienced before.
Then I heard a soft sniffle. Something soaked into my shirt, and Ren trembled. “Shit. I didn’t want to cry again.”
“Why are you crying?” Concerned, I stroked his hair. “Ren?”
“You.” He sniffled. “Not in a bad way. In a ‘holy fuck, he actually does love me’ way. I feel it. When we’re here like this? You’re holding me, and I feel what you feel.”
“I’m glad.” If he felt my love rather than only hearing me speak it, maybe it would be easier for him to trust.
“I can’t say I love you back.” He raised his head. His expression was troubled, but he looked me in the eye. “Not right now, anyway. I hope I’ll be able to eventually.”
“I hope so too.” It would be pretty awkward if I fell in love with someone who didn’t love me back.
Especially if we did end up declaring and claiming each other, though neither of those required love.
But that was a thing for future me to deal with.
“If you never can, I’m still planning to be here.”
“How the hell did I end up with a mate like you?” With a soft noise, he lowered his head again. “You’re something special, Xavier. Anyone would be lucky to have you.”
“Anyone doesn’t get me. Only you do.” That was a little too close to promising forever, and he wouldn’t take that well. “Right now, I wouldn’t want to be with anyone else.”
“Neither would I,” he whispered.
We fell silent again as I marveled at the miracle I held.
Love. I loved Ren Torres. It had sneaked up on me, because romantic love wasn’t something I’d often felt and so I hadn’t anticipated it.
I had romantically loved others, even though it hadn’t led to anything, but that love had been nothing like this.
This connection with Ren that made him part of me.
That made me feel more like myself than I had in a long time.
He was right about the suddenness of it, but that didn’t mean it wasn’t real.
Though with his body against mine, his head on my chest, that beautiful cinnamon apple scent that was, now that I thought about it, probably just the remnants of the apple pastries we’d had for dessert, something stirred in my groin.
I wasn’t in a hurry, but I so badly wanted to be inside him, making love to him, making him mine, and my cock rose in response to the thought.
“You’re getting turned on,” he teased.
Shit. I should have tried harder to keep myself under control. My face heated, and I took a few deep breaths. There was no point denying it. “Yes, I am.”
“I thought you’d say you weren’t.” He rolled onto his stomach and lifted his head. “We could do something about that.”
“Ren, you aren’t…” I stopped. It wasn’t up to me whether he was ready to be claimed.
That was a decision for him and only him to make.
Though I wasn’t certain I was ready. “Are you sure you’re feeling all right? Physically. I don’t want to make anything worse.”
Okay, so maybe I wasn’t only talking about the physical.
He knew what I hadn’t said. “I want this with you, Xavier. To be closer to you.”
He studied me with a mix of uncertainty and desire that absolutely did things to my lower body.
“Physically, I’m fine. My head doesn’t even hurt anymore. The doctor says everything is healed the way it’s supposed to be. Anyway, I don’t necessarily mean fucking. Not full-on. Just…”
His hand slowly moved down my chest. “I could get you off. I want to. I’d like to see you come. Maybe even in my mouth.”
A strong wave of desire sent shivers through me. My entire body heated the way my face had, but not out of embarrassment. I needed him. Craved him. Even if it was only his mouth. Or his hand. I wanted his touch, and now that the idea was planted, it wasn’t going away.
“You don’t have to,” I mumbled, one last attempt to get out of this.
Or make sure he was a hundred percent willing to get into it.
I didn’t even know anymore. While my mind raced, one thought clarified, and I couldn’t keep it to myself.
“Ren, remember at the hunt house? We jerked off in separate rooms and it strengthened our bond. What do you think will happen if we’re here together and we get each other off?”
He blinked and chewed on his lower lip. “Yeah. That was intense. This will probably be more intense. Not claiming, though, right?”
“No.” I didn’t think so. Probably not. “Claiming requires intercourse.” My face got hot for no reason I could name. “Like you said, though, it might be more intense. You don’t have to do anything for me, Ren. I’m happy just being here with you.”
“I know.” His eyes widened. “You really mean that.”
“You don’t owe me anything.” My body was starting to clamor for my mouth to shut the hell up so Ren could get on with whatever he wanted to do to me, but I had decades of practice ignoring my body on the few occasions when it and my mind weren’t in agreement. “You don’t have to give me anything.”
“I know. I said I want to, and I really mean that.” He kissed my chest, and even through my shirt, his lips were fire.
“I want to make you feel good too,” I said, feeling awkward as hell. I was even worse at this kind of talk than I was at romance. “Tell me what it’s okay to do with you, Ren. I’d love to have you get me off, but I’d rather it not be a one-way thing. I want to do it for you, too.”
“Oh, wow.” His forehead creased, and he stared at the headboard for a moment.
“You know something awful? No one has ever asked me that before. What it’s okay to do with me. People just did the sex stuff they wanted. I mean, consensually—well, usually. But they just did what they felt like doing. I don’t even know how to answer you.”
“I’m not doing anything you don’t want.” I cupped his cheek with one hand and looked into his beautiful eyes. “And if you don’t want me to do anything, I’m good with continuing to just hold you.”
“I have to let you get me off if I’m going to get you off?” He raised his eyebrows.
When he put it that way, it didn’t sound any better than saying he had to get me off whether he wanted to or not. Choices. Everything with Ren, especially when it came to sex, had to be about him having choices.
“No. There is no ‘have to,’” I said slowly.
“I would prefer that you let me make you feel good. I’m expressing what I want, that’s all. If you aren’t okay with me touching you, making you come, I won’t. It can be one-way if that’s what you want. I won’t do anything unless you agree. And if you aren’t okay with doing me,
or if you’re only offering because you feel obligated, you don’t have to touch me either.”
I forced myself to stop, because I would have just kept repeating myself.
In my life, especially growing up, I’d seen too many people pushed into doing things against their will.
Not necessarily sexually, but in general, I’d known too many people who were denied control of their own lives.
Hell, as a kid, I’d been one of those people.
I’d always sworn to myself that I wouldn’t take away anyone’s control or free will.
Knowing what Ren had lived with before his change, I was even more determined with him.
He would always have a choice. We both would.
He didn’t answer, just kept scanning my face as if he was looking for a sign.