Chapter Fourteen Xavier #2
Of what, I couldn’t have said. After a minute or so, the silence was too much—which was uncommon in and of itself, because I was well accustomed to and comfortable with silence—and I spoke again.
“I could say that over and over if you want, that this is a two-yes thing and I won’t do anything you don’t agree to, but it might get a little boring.”
He chuckled, but sadness lurked in his eyes.
“Look, I just want…It isn’t because I owe you anything. I care about you. I want you to feel good. You’re turned on, and I’m right here, so why not let me take care of you? I’m not saying you can’t return the favor. Just it can’t be, like, a condition. Because if we keep doing this,
sometimes I’ll want to do things to you and not have you return the favor. Sometimes I like doing it because I want to see the other person squirm. Hear them moan. Not because I want anything for me.”
“Yeah. Okay.” Something in me warmed at the idea of continuing this kind of thing with Ren. The sex, sure, but that wasn’t the main appeal for me. The physical closeness. Being with someone I loved in all possible ways.
Damn, I was turning into a sap.
“I’m not saying no to you getting me off. If you want to touch me, I won’t stop you.”
He ran his tongue over his upper lip. Sexy, but the uncertainty in his eyes dulled the appeal.
“Leave my chest alone, though. I can’t…People touching my chest gets to me in all the wrong ways. I don’t know why. I mean, it feels good physically? But just don’t.”
“I won’t.” I stroked his hair again, because I was beginning to love the contrast between the spikiness and softness. His hair was a lot like him.
“I’ll probably keep my binder on, actually.” His eyes widened, and he gasped. “Fuck, I just assumed we’ll be getting naked. We don’t have to. Not that I’m opposed.”
“I would love to see whatever of your body you’re willing to show me,” I said quietly. “I’ve seen you with no binder, but that was different. Seeing you naked because you’re shifting is different from seeing your body during sex.”
During lovemaking. Even if he couldn’t say he loved me, that was what this would be. Concerned that it would scare him off, I didn’t say so out loud.
“You saw it during your solo sex, right?” Blushing, he grinned. “You in the shower, me in bed. We were jerking off thinking about each other’s bodies.”
“Oh, absolutely we were.” I gave into an impulse to kiss the top of his head. He made a contented little sound and pressed himself closer to me. “In my fantasy, you didn’t wear a binder, but in reality, it’s your decision. You being comfortable is what matters to me.”
“Yeah?” He propped himself up on one arm and looked down at me with faintly orange eyes. “You know, it’s still pretty fucking hot to hear that you did yourself while thinking about me.”
“Likewise.” The hunger building in me, the craving to touch Ren or be touched by him, was too strong to let me say anything more.
“Hot as hell.” Abruptly, he rolled on top of me.
At that full-body contact, the heat running through me roared into full inferno. Without thinking, I cupped Ren’s ass. With a soft moan, he ground against my hard cock.
I gasped. Yeah, this was happening. Whatever he wanted to do, short of sitting on my dick to ride it.
Hell, at this point I probably would have allowed that too, except my human brain held onto the reality of neither of us being ready for claiming.
But if he wanted to stroke me, suck me, I wouldn’t stop him.
He bent and touched his lips to the hollow of my collarbone, and I whimpered. “Nice.”
“Yeah, is it?” He did it again and chuckled against my skin when I shivered. “I guess so. I found a spot.”
“You didn’t—Oh, hell, Ren.” I needed to keep my mind together long enough to get an answer. “What’s okay? Please. What can I do for you?”
“Somebody sounds desperate.” He kissed my lips, and I could have sworn I saw literal sparks fly. “Kiss me anywhere except my chest and between my legs. I’m a fan of giving oral. I hate receiving.”
“Got it.”
“You can touch between my legs. Any part.”
He kissed the other side of my neck, and I had exactly the same reaction as before.
He nipped me there, just the lightest touch of teeth, and I thought I would come right off the damn bed.
“Oh, I’m learning you,” he murmured. “Look, I’ve told you what not to do, yeah? So if it isn’t on that list, do it.”
“Tell me if I do something you don’t want.” I would check in with him anyway. Assuming I kept enough of my wits about me to think of it. Given how he was making me feel already, I might not be up to that task. “Promise.”
“Yeah.” Confusion flitted across his features, and he kissed me again, this time a gentle kiss on the forehead. “You care.”
“I love you.” And I would probably keep saying that now that I’d gotten the words out once. “I want to take care of you. When you let me.”
“Can’t promise I’ll always let you.” He slipped one hand under my shirt, and his bare skin on mine set off another flame. “I promise I’ll tell you if you do something I’m not okay with, though.”
“Good.”
With that settled, I gave up trying to talk.
His hands were on me, one touching me through my shirt and shorts, the other moving under the fabric to my bare skin.
I didn’t try to track every move he made, because all of it was incredible.
His gentleness, his need. I felt all of the things he was feeling, or maybe we were just feeling the same emotions. I couldn’t tell. It didn’t matter.
When he slipped his hand under the waistband of my shorts, I was lost. My dick was so hard it ached, my hunger so strong if he even breathed on my cock, I would probably come.
“Can I take these off?” he murmured, his lips moving against my side because that was where he’d taken his kisses. “I want to see you.”
“Yeah.” Pulled out of my daze by the request, I reached for the button on the shorts.
Ren swatted my hand away. “I asked if I could take them off.”
“Oh.” None of the very few partners I’d had had ever undressed me. Right now, with Ren, I was all about new experiences. “Go ahead, then.”
He quickly undid the shorts. I had to lift my ass off the bed for him to pull them down, and then I was there, half nude, with my mate staring and practically drooling at the sight of my cock resting against my abdomen.
He licked his upper lip. “Fuck. I didn’t really look at you on hunt night, and my fantasies did not do you justice. You’re huge.”
“Am I?” It wasn’t as if I’d compared myself with other guys. I’d never seen the point.
“Yes.” He licked his lips. “Okay, let’s see what I can do with this.”
Again I gave up trying to talk as he peppered kisses on my abdomen and thighs, working his way closer to my cock and balls. Touching me, but not where I had a sudden desperate need to be touched.
I rested my hand on his head, and with a soft moan, he moved up to kiss my lips. “Touch me all you want. I like it.”
“Oh?” An odd thought came to me, and I nudged him. “Let me play with you while you suck me.”
“Ooh!” His face lit up, and he immediately moved so his feet were next to my head. The perfect position for me to slide my hand between his legs, but there was still a problem. Before I could point out that he was still dressed, he rose to his knees. “I should be fair, huh?”
“I’d like to see you. If you’re comfortable with it.”
He regarded me for a second, then shrugged. “I never am, really, but it’s okay.”
“No.” As much as my libido ranted about putting a stop to the action, I couldn’t just let that comment go. “It isn’t okay if you’re not comfortable. I want you to enjoy this.”
“Xavier.” He sighed and moved up to rest his head on my chest again.
“Why are you overthinking this? I’m not comfortable with you seeing my body because it doesn’t feel like the body I’m supposed to have. It isn’t like, oh, I hate people seeing me naked. It’s…Shit, maybe it is that. But it’s because the body doesn’t match the brain, you know?”
He frowned, then nodded as if he was answering someone. “I want you to see me.”
Abruptly, he rolled off the bed, ending up standing beside it, and yanked off his clothes.
Except the binder. Arms outstretched, he showed me everything.
And “everything” was appetizing as hell.
He was slim, with sparse body hair the same color as the hair on his head.
A tuft of hair sat between his slightly spread legs, and he ran his fingers over it.
“There should be a dick here. There isn’t. That’s what makes me uncomfortable. It isn’t you seeing it. It’s what you aren’t seeing. Get it?”
“Yeah.” I couldn’t imagine how he felt, but I understood what he meant.
“And what do you think of what you see?” He got onto the bed and knee-walked toward me. “Honestly.”
“Honestly? It’s you.” I held out my hand. He took it. “Everything about you is gorgeous to me. Even the parts you aren’t happy about.” I looked into his eyes and saw confusion and a touch of aggravation. And something else I wasn’t going to try to name. “Is that okay? If I think you’re gorgeous?”
He stared at me. “Are you fucking serious?”
“Yes.”
“You think…Holy shit. No one’s ever said that about me.” He looked down at himself. “You’re throwing me for a fuckload of loops here, Xavier.”
He hadn’t answered my question. That seemed to be a trend. “Is it okay for me to think that? Or, I guess, to say it. I don’t need permission to think.”
“No, you can think whatever you want.” He bit his lip. “I think I like hearing it.”
“Good.” Smiling, I released his hand and folded my hands behind my head. “So what’s next?”