17. Seth
Idrive around town aimlessly before pulling into the driveway of my empty house. As I turn off the ignition, I imagine how differently tonight would have gone if my curiosity hadn’t gotten the best of me.
I wanted to find a place to escape the pain that was radiating through my body, but I ended up where I planned to make all my dreams come true. Bristol and I would probably be snuggled together on the couch in front of a roaring fire, making plans for the future. Today was supposed to be the day that I laid my heart on the line and told her how I felt, finally making her mine once and for all. But then it all went wrong. Completely and utterly wrong.
I know I wasn’t delusional to believe that there was something between Bristol and me. I saw it in her eyes and in the way her entire face lit up whenever we saw each other. I could hear it in her voice when we said good night to each other every night during our phone calls. But for some reason, she’s still afraid to open her heart to me.
I’ve done everything I know to show her how I feel. That I want her to be happy. To choose to love me, marry me, start a family with me. Maybe we did those things out of order, but it’s still what I want. Seeing Bristol’s belly swollen with our child would make me happy beyond my wildest dreams, but I missed the chance to see that. I’m sure there are pictures somewhere, but it’s not the same.
I lean my head back on the seat and close my eyes, taking the time to think about where I want to go from here. Bristol and I have a child together, but can we salvage whatever is between us? Images of my life without Bristol next to me filter through my mind. It’s only been a few minutes, but it feels like an eternity. Everything feels flat and lifeless now that things with the two of us are so up in the air. As far as I’m concerned, this isn’t the end between the two of us, but how things proceed from here is up to Bristol.
I’ve been telling her repeatedly that I’d do anything to be with her, and I mean it. I’ve retired from the Marines, not completely because of her, but I’d be lying if I said she didn’t have something to do with it. I moved to Tyson’s Creek and have planned a life here for us. I was just waiting for the last piece to fall into place, for every part of my plan to be laid out before saying anything to her. But maybe that wasn’t the right thing to do. Maybe she would’ve felt safer telling me about our daughter and letting down the last walls around her heart. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe.
“Fuck!” The sound of my voice echoes through the cab of my truck as I slam my palms on the steering wheel.
I take a deep breath and let it out slowly, momentarily quelling the raging emotions running through my body before opening the door and sliding out. The porch light is on, likely switched on when Mrs. Thomas accepted the flower delivery earlier this afternoon. I stride toward the front door, stick my key in the lock, and turn it. The door opens slowly, and I step inside, pushing it closed behind me.
Mrs. Thomas did an amazing job making the house perfect with the few items I’ve been able to buy in such a short time. She decorated the entire entryway with sunflowers and daisy bouquets and candles strategically placed to make a path toward the living room, the only completely furnished room in the house. I have a bed and dresser in the master bedroom, but I had planned for Bristol to help me with everything else.
As I turn the corner, my heart aches at how perfect it looks. Vases full of daisies and sunflowers cover every flat surface and candles of all sizes are placed near them. The setting sun filters through the windows, filling the room with a golden hue.
“This would have been perfect,” I mumble as I pace back around the room, trying to wrap my head around the information I learned this afternoon.
My emotions are a mess, but the one that constantly keeps bubbling to the surface is betrayal. Almost everyone I call a friend had to have known about Bristol and Rebekah. No one said anything to me or even hinted that Bristol had a child. Maybe they wanted to give us space to figure things out together. Did she ask them not to tell me or to keep it a secret?
No matter how hurt and betrayed I feel, I can’t be angry at them. If I was in their position, I’d have done the same thing. They barely know anything about me, and that’s my fault. I keep to myself, and I appear moody to most people. I speak when spoken to, but I only give people the bare minimum of information about me. The few details I shared with them during the few months I spent visiting here before leaving on deployment were all superficial things. They had no idea of the man I was or am, taking Brady’s word that I wasn’t a complete asshole. They protected their friend.
The one thing that drew me to Tyson’s Creek in the first place was how everyone takes care of each other. How no matter if you’ve been here a few times or lived here your entire life, you’re welcomed with open arms. Everyone in this town is family. And family sticks together. And no one would betray someone they call family.
But why hadn’t Bristol said anything to me before now? Once we got back in contact with each other, there were so many times when she could have told me about our daughter. We even talked about having children together someday, and that would have been the perfect opportunity to bring up the subject. But again, she said nothing.
I need to think. To find a way to quiet the noise in my head, giving me space to think all of this through. I need to go for a run. I head toward the back of the house in what will be my bedroom to grab the gym bag Mrs. Thomas dropped off for me earlier. I find the bag sitting in the center of the bed and reach inside. It takes a few minutes, but I find a pair of gym shorts and my sneakers at the bottom of the bag. My body moves on memory as I will my brain to shut down, to let the repetitiveness of my movements soothe the frayed edges of my mind. I walk into the bathroom and change quickly, leaving my clothes on the floor.
My heart squeezes inside my chest as I head back into the living room and take a seat on the couch to pull on my sneakers. The moment my feet hit the edge of the driveway, I make a left and start running. I breathe in and out slowly as the sound of my feet hitting the pavement echoes through my ears, and I relax into a steady breath. Beads of sweat collect on my brow as my emotions melt away, clearing my head and allowing me to think for the first time since leaving Vance and Selina’s place.
After eavesdropping on their conversation, I was prepared for Bristol to tell me she had a baby with another man. I can’t pretend as if it wouldn’t have hurt knowing she was with another man while I was gone, but since we never officially said we were a couple, I would have accepted it. Honestly, I wouldn’t have had a choice. I told her I was coming back from the desert to make her mine, but did I ever give her a reason to believe me?
I promised her I was going to come back, but again, we barely knew each other. At the time, to her, they were nothing but words and promises that could be broken at any time. She didn’t have faith in me, in us, and the thought of that makes my soul ache, but I can understand it, too. If she had moved on, I couldn”t have blamed her. But I never would have imagined that she was keeping this monstrous secret from me, a secret that would change the course of my life forever.
A little girl.
I’m a father.
My feet pound hard on the pavement as I pick up speed. Sweat soaks the front of my shirt as I push myself harder, shame washing over me in waves as I think about how hard the last eight months have been on Bristol. I can’t imagine all the nights she spent worrying about our baby girl, wondering if what she was doing was enough. The late-night feeding and sleepless nights she must have endured with no one to share the load.
Anyone who knows Bristol knows she would rather die than ask for help, not wanting to be a burden. But I could have been there for her. The military gives expecting fathers paternity leave, and although it’s hard to get approved through the command, I could’ve tried. I wasn’t there for her when they needed me, and that’s something I’ll regret for the rest of my life.
Wait. Anger bubbles in my veins as I pick up the pace even further, practically sprinting down the road, trying to release all the anger flowing through me. No matter how bad I feel for her, this was a choice she made. Bristol could’ve gotten in contact with me to let me know our daughter existed. Allowed me to help her come to grips with being a mother, to support her in any way she needed, but she kept her hidden away from me. She chose not to share our daughter’s existence with me. She chose not to allow me to be a part of either of their lives. It was a choice, no matter how I try to rationalize it.
I slow my pace to a jog as I allow my breathing to even out. I inhale through my nose and exhale through my mouth as I allow all the anger to seep from my veins. Running not only clears my mind, it also helps me clear my emotions. I’m still angry and hurt, but the feeling is more under control than before I started running.
As my pace slows even further, I notice the sun slowly disappear beyond the horizon and turn around. I need to head back toward my house before it gets too dark. Connor warned me that there aren’t too many lights around the area, making it easy to get lost if you don’t know where you’re going. I don’t really know the area well enough to be running aimlessly.
I walk through my front door just as the sun disappears behind the horizon. The smell of freshly baked apple pie fills my nostrils, reminding me once again of what tonight was supposed to be. Instead of going into the kitchen to see what Mrs. Thomas dropped off, I kick my sneakers into the corner before plopping down on the couch. I should probably shower, but I drop my head between my hands, realizing that I’m no closer to a solution to my problem than I was before I went for a run.
“Knock, knock.”
My head pops up as Brady’s voice reaches my ears. I notice him waving something white in front of him.
“I come in peace!” he shouts louder than necessary.
I shake my head. Brady has always been one for theatrics, even in the most serious of times.
“What are you doing here?” I grumble, not even bothering to get off the couch.
“Is it safe?” He peeks his head around the corner, and his eyes widen as he takes in the perfectly decorated room. “Man, don’t you think you overdid it with the flowers?”
“At the time? No. But now? Probably.” I snicker softly. “I really should text your mom and thank her for doing all this, even if it was a complete waste.”
“I don’t think it was a complete waste,” Brady switches on the lamp sitting beside the couch before plopping down beside me, his nose instantly scrunching up in disgust. “You’ve been thinking, haven’t you?”
“Yes,” I deadpan. “And I’d like to continue to do so. What do you want?”
“Can’t your best friend drop by your house unannounced? Do I need a reason?”
“Yes.”
“I’m hurt.” Brady clutches his hand over his chest, dramatically falling backward as if I wounded him.
“You really didn”t know?” I ask my friend, hoping that someone wasn’t keeping secrets from me.
“I did not know. I was in the sandbox right next to you, but I can’t say I’m surprised.” Brady relaxes against the couch, placing his right ankle on his knee as he looks at me. “I’m not surprised that she kept your daughter a secret. You were gone for a year, man. What was she supposed to do?”
“She should have told me,” I take a deep breath to calm the anger I feel bubbling up inside me again. “She could’ve found some way to get a hold of me.”
“I agree, but you two danced around each other for months. You spend one night together with no promises you would ever return.”
“I promised her I was coming back for her.”
“You and I both know that was a bullshit promise. We were off fighting a war where any number of things could happen. Do you really think she put a lot of faith into that promise?”
I open my mouth and slam it shut quickly.
“Right. She didn’t know what your plans were once deployment was over.”
“I told her how I felt before I left. I made it clear that she was the person I planned on spending my life with.”
“But a year is a long time. People change, man. How was she supposed to know you would feel the same about her when you came back?”
“I called her.”
“Did you ever bother to leave her a voicemail? An email address to get in touch with you? Anything?” He raises his eyebrow in my direction.
“She should have picked up the damn phone,” I respond defensively.
“The numbers are restricted, jackass. How the hell was she going to know it was you?” Brady leans back onto the couch, laying his ankle on his knee. “Obviously, she didn’t know you weren’t a damn psycho.”
I pause and think about what Brady said, replaying all my conversations with her in my mind. After that first night, I was head over heels for her. But I never really promised her anything besides my coming back. I called her every chance I got, but I was too much of a chickenshit to leave a message. I did the same thing I accused Bristol of doing before I walked away from her earlier. I was afraid of what would happen if I let her all the way in.
Bristol made it clear from the start that she couldn’t see herself being in a relationship with a man in the military and never wavered. The military had been my entire life until that point, but I didn’t have any plans past surviving deployment. It wasn’t until Brady said something about retirement did the plan to move back to Tyson’s Creek and searching for Bristol cross my mind. I knew I wanted to be with her, but I wasn’t sure if there was a space for me in her life.
I was afraid that someone like me wouldn’t be good enough for her. I didn’t have a family or any prospects for a job. What did I have to offer her? The only thing I had ever known was being a Marine, but that experience doesn’t really translate into marketable skills outside of being in the military. By not leaving a message, I gave myself the excuse to remain closed off from the possibility of being hurt. I knew I was a goner for her, but I had no idea how she felt about me. Bristol took the first step by giving me her phone number, but I didn’t meet her halfway, putting all the pressure and blame on her if I came here and things didn’t work out as I had hoped they would.
“Damn it. You”re right.” I groan as I lean back on the couch and cover my face with my arm. “She didn’t know.”
“Now you’re seeing things clearly.” Brady punches me lightly in the shoulder. “So, how do you plan to fix this?”
“Fix what? I did nothing except leave the situation before I said something I didn”t mean.” I turn in his direction, waiting for him to explain.
“Not that. Honestly, you handled that situation as well as anyone could expect. I’m talking about Rebekah. You have a little girl that you’ve never even met. What are you going to do about it?”
“I don’t know.” I give him the only answer I have.
I’ve always wanted a family of my own, but does she even want me to be a part of their lives? I don’t have many memories of my father, and the few foster parents I had weren’t the best. Yes, they fed me and kept a roof over my head, but they weren’t the nurturing type. I don’t know the first thing about raising a child. I’ve spent the last twenty years being told what to wear and when to eat and sleep. I have a routine, a certain way I prefer things to run and be done. How is that going to work, adding a little girl to the mix? Kids are messy and loud, two things that I can’t handle on a regular basis, even before I joined the military.
I want to be a good father to our daughter. Be a shoulder for her to cry on when she needs me but also to help mold and guide her into becoming a beautiful young woman. But is that what Bristol wants? I understand her obligation to let me know I have a daughter, but what role does she want me to play in her life? Rebekah is almost a year old, and I’ve missed so much, so many milestones that a father should be present for, and I refuse to miss any more. But where is my place in their family? Bristol has a support network of people, friends and family, that will help her whenever she needs them. Does she really need me around?
“Don’t get all doom and gloom, Seth. That woman loves you.”
“I know, but I worry about where my place is with them.”
“You worry too much, my friend.” Brady claps me hard on the back, causing me to lurch forward. “Just take things one step at a time. Bristol and Rebekah will let you know what they need. Your job right now is to be there for them.”
“Now that’s one thing I know I can do.” I smile brightly at my friend as my stomach rumbles. “I guess I’d better find something to eat before I become very unpleasant.”
“Already got that covered,” Vance says as he and Connor come into view, each holding a pizza and a case of beer. “What’s better than pizza and beer at an impromptu guys’ night?”
I rub the back of my neck and laugh. “I think I have some paper plates and Solo cups in the kitchen, but that’s all I can offer. I wasn’t planning on eating dinner here.”
“He planned to be eating other things,” Brady snickers.
I cuff him on the back of the head and pin him in place with a stare. He mouths an apology as Connor places the pizza boxes on the coffee table before walking back out of the room toward the kitchen, probably to put the beers in the fridge to chill.
Vance drops the case of beer in his hand and rips it open, pulling a beer out for each of us and handing me one. “But first, we’re sorry, Seth.”
Connor grabs a can from Vance and cracks it open. “We knew Bristol had a daughter, but not who the father was. We assumed she was waiting to see where things went between you two before saying anything, but if we had known…” His voice trails off as if he was searching for the right words.
“You’d have done the same thing.” I chuckle, popping my can open and taking a huge gulp. “Now that I’ve had time to think, I don’t know if I’d done anything differently in your position.”
“Thanks. For understanding, I guess,” Vance says as he sets his beer on the coffee table and flips the pizza box open to grab a slice.
“Do you still love her?” Brady asks, taking a healthy pull from his beer and leaning against the couch beside me.
“What kind of fucking question is that?” I snap, crossing my arms defensively over my chest. “Of course, I fucking love her. Those feelings don’t just disappear because we had an argument.”
“This was a little more than an argument,” Vance responds as he shoves a slice of pizza into his mouth.
“That’s fucking disgusting.” I snicker while taking another swig of my beer. “But I’ve been in love with Bristol since I first laid eyes on her over a year ago. I’ll be damned if I let her or my daughter get away without a fight.”
“Just what we wanted to hear.” Vance claps me on the back. “But maybe take a shower first. You are ripe, my friend.”
“I’m going now.” I leave my beer on the coffee table before heading into my room.
When I came back, the guys have made themselves at home. Connor is sitting on the couch, staring at his phone with a soft smile on his face, while Brady is seated next to him on the couch, and Vance is sitting on the floor in front of him on the other side of the coffee table, a deck of cards laid out between them.
“What are you playing?” I ask before leaning over the couch between Connor and Brady to grab my beer.
“Go Fish,” Vance’s eyes never leave his cards.
“And I’m winning.” Brady smiles, showing his hand to me.
“Sure. Sure.” I chuckle, taking another sip of my beer. “You know I have a television, don’t you?”
“Where?” all three men respond in unison as I grab the remote control from beside the light and point it toward the empty wall. A large projection screen drops from the ceiling.
“That wasn’t there when Audrey lived here, was it?” Connor asks in awe as I turn on the satellite TV and drop the remote on the couch.
“Nope. This was something I bought just for me. I refuse to watch the game on a tiny-ass TV ever again.”
“Every Sunday, Seth is having us over to watch the game,” Brady says as he snatches the remote off the couch and starts flicking through channels before settling on some action movie.
“We’ll see,” is the only response I give him as I come around the side of the couch near the door and sit in the lone armchair by the window.
We all sit there and watch the television in silence for a few moments before Connor speaks up.
“So, what do you plan on doing now that you know about Rebekah?”
“I asked him the same thing earlier. Maybe he’ll answer you,” Brady grumbles as he shoves another slice into his mouth.
“First, I need to see both of your wives.” I nod toward Vance and Connor. “I’m hoping for a crash course in all things baby.”
“I raised a kid, too, you know,” Connor grumbles, taking a long pull from his beer.
“You can come, too.” I raise my now-empty beer in his direction. “I don’t know a damn thing about babies outside of the little I learned in the foster homes.”
“Seli asked Bristol and Audrey to do the same thing for her.” Vance laughs, placing his bottle on the table in front of him. “She said what better way to learn how to take care of babies than from another mom?”
“After I wrap my head around having a daughter, then it’s time to make sure my girl knows nothing has changed. She’s it for me, and there isn’t a damn thing she can do about it now. She’s stuck with me.”
“I don’t think she’ll have a problem with that,” Connor says as he slaps me on the back and grabs another slice of pizza.
“Now that that’s all settled, can we stop with all the feelings and drink some beer?” Brady grabs another beer, cracks it open, and chugs it. “I have no intention of leaving here sober.”
“Can he sleep on your couch? I have no intention of dealing with his drunk ass tonight,” Vance asks, eyeing Brady’s swaying form skeptically.
Although this isn’t how I planned for today to end, I can’t say I’m disappointed. I may not have told my girl how much I cared for her, but I found out I have a daughter. Who could ask for anything more?
Now I just have to hope that I can be the man they both need.