CHAPTER 33
Matthew
“Huh. It’s very quiet, isn’t it?” He observed, looking at us.
I shook my head fondly, because his lack in logic was adorable sometimes “what were you expecting, a party? They’ve just had a kid, Theo.” I tried to explain.
“Exactly why I was expecting them to be celebrating.”
I laughed. Of course he had.
“They partly didn’t even want it in the first place.” Jack pointed out as Theo turned back round and knocked rather insistently- whilst I glared at Jack for his untactful comment-until the door swung open.
Stryker was standing there, hair dishevelled and wearing nothing but sweatpants, looking frankly very exhausted and holding a bundle of blankets in his arms.
All that could be seen of the baby was a little round face with rapidly blinking eyes and a small hand, fingers outstretched. Stryker was cradling the tiny child like she was the most fragile thing in the world.
“Hey.” He greeted softly “didn’t expect you to turn up so soon.”
“Theo couldn’t contain himself.” I explained, grinning at the insolent exclamation that got out of him. “Congrats, by the way.”
“Thanks.” He smiled, stepping back so we could come in.
“So… a girl?” I asked for confirmation, even if I already knew as such from his letter.
“Yes.” Stryker replied “Isabelle.”
“So…no teaching the little fella how to kick ass?” Theo asked with a pout.
Stryker grinned “well, you can. Just a little more gracefully, maybe.” He glanced up the stairs “Raven’s asleep. Her mum’s just gone out. She was exhausted.”
“Can’t blame her, S. Must take some effort, giving birth.”
“Seventeen hours of labour” Stryker grimaced “and a little over an hour just to push her out”
“Jeez.” Theo remarked.
I winced. I was glad I would never have to go through anything like that, because it sounded like absolute hell. I’d have to go and praise Raven for it when I got the chance.
Theo looked between Stryker and the little bundle with an eager expression on his face “can I hold her?”
“Uh…” Stryker hesitated- I didn’t blame him- “just, um…be careful, yeah? Sit down first.”
I watched in amusement as Stryker got Theo sat on the expensive looking sofa before handing him his daughter, mumbling a “don’t drop her.” Followed by “you gotta support her head, okay?”
“Yeah, okay. Got it.” He looked at the baby in something close to awe “she’s so light.”
“Yeah, six pounds two ounces. Small, really.”
Watching Theo fuss over the little baby made my heart melt in my chest. Mainly to distract myself from the feeling, I turned to Stryker.
“Want something to eat, S? I’m assuming you haven’t had anything since...” I waved a hand.
“No, I haven’t.” Stryker admitted. He hesitated, and I watched his gaze shift to Jack, who was standing awkwardly by the door but still managed to summon a glare onto his face at the topic “you have been eating, right?”
“Mostly. Raven’s mum enjoys cooking.” He explained with a hard swallow “I just…my body really hurts so my appetite hasn’t been the best.” I could tell it was something more but didn’t push, and thankfully Jack didn’t either, settling for pulling Stryker into a tight embrace- but not tight enough to put any pressure on his injuries-and mumbling something into his shoulder.
He pulled back and smiled, turning to me and mumbling “I’m kind of hungry right now, actually. ”
“On it.”
I could hear them both talking from the small kitchen.
“So uh…she’s here, huh?”
“Yep.” Stryker chuckled “and hey…I know what was going through your head when you said that. And there will definitely be times where I regret this. But I wasn’t gonna leave Raven and I wasn’t gonna leave my child.
And I think you might have gotten that, if it were you.
And now she’s here, and I love her already, and…
I think you should meet her too, while I go and check on Raven. ”
“Oh, um…yeah, right. That’s what I’m here for. Definitely.”
I smiled at his awkwardness. Jack had never stricken me as someone who’d do great with children.
“She doesn’t bite, Jack. Promise.”
“I know.” He mumbled.
When I emerged from the kitchen, I felt a jolt of surprise when I found Jack holding Izzy, looking a little uncertain but otherwise quite content.
“How is she? Raven, I mean.” I asked a vigilantly watching Stryker as I handed him plate of chicken soup- the literal only thing I’d been able to make with the limited ingredients in the cabinets, which Stryker accepted gratefully.
“Still asleep.” He murmured while starting to tuck in “didn’t expect any different. But I’ll have to bring her something to eat, she’ll be starving.”
“Hm” I hummed, sitting beside Theo who leant against my side and nodded towards Izzy “cute, isn’t she?” He observed quietly.
Stryker gave a small nod. “You know when adults look at a newborn baby, just popped out, and say it’s adorable? I can assure you they’re not.”
I smiled and Theo cracked up laughing.
Jack chuckled “she’s quiet, too.”
“Oh, yeah. Gave us a heart attack when she didn’t start crying straight away.” He leaned down and pressed a kiss to her rosy forehead.
“God, I’m exhausted but I don’t know how I’m gonna sleep tonight.”
“What d’ya mean? Just close your eyes and boom.”
“I won’t want to leave her unsupervised. Was awake the whole night last night too. I already have difficulty sleeping as it is.”
I recalled the sleeping pills incident back when we’d first met a little too clearly.
“Ah, well.” Jack frowned “we could always try and babysit.”
“Key word is try, yeah?”
“Hey, I’m not gonna pretend we’ll be super at it.”
“Appreciate the sincerity, mate.” He polished off his plate and went to leave it in the kitchen.
Then he paused, sighing “I’m gonna go ask Raven if she wants anything.
Then I’ll probably just…she won’t trust you guys to be left with her, so I’ll bring her up and try to nap or something. You sticking around, or…?”
“They can, uh…” Theo awkwardly looked towards Jack “stay at mine?”
I got the impression he was embarrassed about showing it to too many people. I didn’t know what he expected us to expect of a place bought off a minimum wage job.
“Sounds great.” I assured him. He shot me a small smile before turning to Stryker and adding “can I come back tomorrow morning?”
The teen nodded slowly “yeah. Yeah, come by. Bring the weed.”
They shared a grin.
Jack wasn’t particularly impressed, as was painfully obvious from the way he crinkled his nose up as we entered.
He could be such a brat sometimes. I whacked him upside the head for it, narrowing my eyes in a way that I hoped got the message across.
Theo didn’t seem to notice, or if he did he ignored it.
“There’s a guest room.” He murmured “you’ll have to take the sofa.
Sorry.” He said to Jack in a very dishonest way- I guessed he had seen his expression, because we both knew that the guest room wouldn’t be used by me since I’d be sharing with Theo, which meant it was actually empty and he was making Jack sleep on the admittedly lumpy and uncomfortable sofa out of spite.
Amusement kindled in my chest. Classic Theo.
Jack didn’t look happy about the arrangement but settled on scowling.
“If you’re hungry you can see to yourselves. There’s the kitchen.” He waved a hand over “and…well, it’s not a hard place to navigate.”
“No.” Jack muttered in agreement.
I rolled my eyes at him.
We didn’t fuck. It was a little weird- Theo never seemed to want to in his own house, though it may have been the simple thought that Jack was right downstairs- but we did snuggle up together in our usual position.
“I want a kid like S.” Theo yawned.
My eyebrows raised, momentarily uncertain what to reply before I settled on “really? They’re hard work.”
“Didn’t look like hard work.” Theo mumbled “she wasn’t doing anything.”
I chuckled at the naiveness of the comment. “Yeah, but you only saw her for twenty minutes. She’ll be a bit of a nightmare for her parents.”
He grunted. “Cute, though.”
“Hmm.”
We fell silent. I didn’t know if I could imagine Theo as a dad.
Not yet, anyway. Stryker had more of the necessary maturity that was required, but I knew that he’d be committed to his kid if he were ever to have one.
He was good with kids. They liked him. My little brother had liked him a lot the morning after the disastrous night where he’d stayed at my house and reduced me to a sobbing mess over him.
I’d had to go and check on the toddler at the crack ass of dawn and of course he’d been awake and of course Theo had been the one to tire him out enough to get him to drop off again before doing a runner back to the palace.
He shifted against me, tilting his head upwards and whispering “how are you?”
“What?” I blinked, a little lost at the question.
“With…your depression. How are you?”
My insides warmed. I found myself smiling like an idiot at the very prospect that he cared enough to ask. “Okay.” I whispered back “I’ve been okay.”
He nodded, nuzzling into the crook of my neck and pressing a kiss there “what’s it like?”
I hesitated, running a hand through my hair “it, uh…it’s a bit like being underwater.” I murmured “and I can see the surface but I can’t swim up because the water keeps pulling me down.”
I felt Theo shift against me, silent, listening.
“And some days it’s really bad. I can’t…
get out of bed because it seems so insurmountable and there are just all these thoughts pressing down on my chest and no matter how hard anyone tries they can’t drag me up because I just feel exhausted.
Other days- most days- it’s just a kind of fog that makes everything seem distant, kind of distorted. But it’s…complicated, lovely, I don’t…”
He moved so that he was almost lying on top of me, crushing me with his weight in a way that felt comforting. He clung to me and mumbled “can’t you do anything about it?”
“I don’t want therapy.” I whispered.
He nodded “okay. I wouldn’t either. What about antidepressants?”
“I don’t know.” I swallowed hard, licking my lips, focusing on the feel of him, on his familiar smell of tobacco and cinnamon “I’m scared, I think. Of all the different medications I’d have to take before finding one that works. Of all of the side effects.”
He made a small noise and mumbled “I think you should. I’d help you. In any way I could.”
It brought a smile to my face. “Maybe.” I whispered, closing my eyes “maybe.”