CHAPTER 34
Theo
After my talk with Stryker- which was mostly me gushing about Matthew like a teenage girl with a crush and him laughing about it- everything was good for a while.
Probably too good to last, so I should have foreseen the shitshow that was going to follow.
It happened precisely a month after Stryker returned.
We’d been alerted of the presence of intruders on the border. Johnathan had sent a large group of us to check it out.
We’d been ambushed. By Stadal. Again.
It was a mess- frenzied bodies and clashing of metal and panic so strong I could almost taste it in the air around me. My first instinct was to run. I would have run. It had seemed the most logical thing to do, only I then spotted something so bad it made my head spin and my throat close up.
Jack getting gutted.
Stryker, defenceless beside him, his sword having been knocked out of his grasp, trying to fend off three men at once.
I was crashing to my knees beside Jack before I could even process that I’d begun moving towards them. Helplessly, I pressed my hands to his gaping wound in a futile attempt to stem the bleeding.
“Shit, Jack.” I hissed “fuck.”
“Not…helping.” He choked out, face white, blood trickling from the corner of his mouth.
“Just- hold on, okay? You’ll- we’ll get help-“
“I’m a goner.” He choked, weakly attempting to push my hands away “idiot.”
“Jack-“
“Help him.” He wheezed, and I followed his rapidly dulling eyes to Stryker, visibly struggling against his now two massive opponents.
“Jack-“ my hands were slick with his blood. It was making me feel sick. I wasn’t stupid enough to believe he’d survive- he’d lost too much of the dark liquid. He wasn’t stupid enough to believe that either. But I didn't want to leave him there alone. I wouldn’t want to die there alone.
He saved me the difficulty of having to choose when his head lolled to the side moments later, body going limp beneath my hands.
I felt nauseous. Fuck. Fuck, he was dead.
Before I could think about it too much, I turned back to Stryker and scrambled to help him, drawing my blade and crashing into one of the men, slicing through the flesh of his neck.
I didn’t know how long it went on like that. I lost track of time just as I lost track of the people I killed.
All I knew was that Jack had died and his blood was coating my hands. And I’d have to tell Matt. I’d have to tell Matt, who was back at the base, probably anxious because we still hadn’t returned, that his best friend was dead.
Fuck.
I registered Stryker’s hand on my shoulder. He was shaking, his eyes resting on Jack’s form before he tore his gaze away and met mine, sucking in a breath and asking “you okay?”
I grimaced at my bruised middle before gingerly placing my hand over it “fucking hurts.” I mumbled “but I’d say fine. Uh…you?”
Stryker shrugged stiffly “fine.”
He wasn’t fine. Jack was dead. I knew he wasn’t fine.
“We need…to tell Matt.”
He nodded slowly “yeah. Fancy a smoke first?”
“Yeah, alright.” I let my shirt drop from where I was observing my injured middle.
We ended up by the lake, where my partner took the first drag of the rolled joint before offering it to me.
“You want dinner?” Stryker surprised me by asking.
I shrugged “do you?”
“Yeah.” He sounded reluctant.
And that was that. We didn’t exchange another word.
After that, I discovered that Stryker didn’t openly grieve like he had his dad. He ate regularly, was present, got on with life.
And I knew it was his own way of honouring Jack’s wishes- the lad would have never wanted Stryker to go back to how he’d been after his dad. Ever.
It had been terrible telling Matthew about the incident. It wasn’t something I ever wanted to do again. I never wanted to see that level of heartbreak in his eyes again. It pained me. His sexual drive had been almost disturbingly high since then. Not that I was complaining.
He didn’t mention Jack until one night, two months later, when we’d had sex for half an hour straight and he’d suddenly started sobbing about it.
He’d fallen asleep sobbing too, curled into me, who could only comfort him with my presence.
I didn’t know what to do. I’d never seen him quite that bad, but I had been expecting it.
“How is he?” Stryker quietly asked from the doorway once he’d dropped off.
I jumped “Christ. How long-?”
“He’s a loud crier. I wasn’t spying.” Stryker raised an eyebrow “promise. The whole base can hear him. We’re…worried.”
I snorted softly “I don’t know.” I answered “upset.”
“Hm.” Stryker sat down on the edge of the bed.
I chewed on my lip “you haven’t…said anything about it.”
“Neither have you.” He shot back smoothly. I swallowed hard and shrugged “can’t think about it.”
“Me neither.” Stryker admitted softly “I mean…I can’t get like before.”
“You’re allowed to grieve.” I whispered, running a hand through Matthew’s hair.
“Yeah.” He scoffed “I’ve done too much of that for now.” He forced a smile “he’ll be fine.” He nodded towards Matt “he likes to play tough.”
“I know.”
He hesitated “I’m…here for you.” He shifted uncertainly “you know that, right?”
I furrowed my brow, confused “course, S.”
“Great.” Puffing out a breath, he rubbed his hands over his thighs “uh…just…don’t get upset with me if I’m…out sometimes, alright? I can’t…I need a breather-“
“I know.” I lowered my gaze “I have Matt and you…used to have Jack, now you….don’t. I-“
“Don’t let me drink.” Stryker added in a tight tone “if you see me trying to, just-“
“Okay.” I nodded “sure.”
“Thanks.”
I got my first look at Matthew’s depression not too long after.
He seemed to still be asleep when I woke up that morning, which was strange since he was usually always the first one up out of the two of us- yes, I’d practically moved into his room since Jack’s death- but I didn’t think much of it.
I went downstairs for breakfast, chatted a bit with the others, and head back upstairs to check on him.
His eyes were open but he’d stayed in the same position, unmoving.
“Matt.” I called, feeling the first traces of concern “hey, it’s getting late.”
No answer. I frowned, moving forward and crouching so I was eye level with him “oi. We have training soon.”
His usually warm hazel eyes looked wrong. Dull. Devoid of emotion. It made me shiver. I didn’t like it.
“Matt.”
Nothing. I huffed, standing and taking a few steps backwards, hesitating, at loss. “Fine. Suit yourself.” I grumbled eventually, opting to leave the room and finding Stryker hovering outside. “Hey.” I greeted slowly.
“Hey.” He said back “uh…he alright? Wasn’t at breakfast.”
I began to nod, only to pause and shake my head “no. I mean, I can’t get him up.
He’s not answering me.” I paused again, gazing at Stryker before voicing the terrible thought that had been whirring around my brain for a while now “sometimes I think he would have preferred me to have died that day.” I confessed hollowly “or that it was my fault.”
Stryker sucked in a breath.
“You think so too.” I snorted harshly, irrationally and before I could stop myself, “Jack was everything to you.”
“Theo.” Stryker rested a hand on my back “I’d never swap your life for Jack’s. That’s not how it works. N-“
“No man’s life is worth more than another’s. I know,” I muttered bitterly. I’d heard plenty of men say it during my time here; it didn’t mean anything to me. “But that’s all military talk. What do you really think, huh?”
“I think exactly that.” Stryker said softly “It wouldn’t make me feel any better if you were dead and Jack was alive.”
I swallowed hard “I knew he’d get sick of me.” I whispered “you told me he wouldn’t but I always knew that he would.”
“He’s not.” Stryker replied softly “he’s not…Jack mentioned he thought he suffered with depression?”
I blinked. Shit. I hadn’t even thought about that.
I nodded slowly.
“Could be an episode.” He said softly “you can’t do much about it, but…I don’t think it’s because he’s sick of you, okay? Just lie with him or something. I’ll tell John you’re both ill.”
“Thanks, S.” I breathed, pulling him in for a short hug before stepping back into the room.
Matt had stayed facing the wall, covers screwed up around him. I sighed quietly, walking over to him. “I’m gonna get in”, I whispered, before pulling the covers back and getting into the bed beside him. “Hey, Matt,” I mumbled into his shoulder.
I stayed like that for a while, my arm over his waist letting him know that I was there- It was all I could do, I was in uncharted waters.
“I’m not asking you to get up, Matt.” I mumbled eventually “Just want you to turn around so I can see that pretty face” I ran my fingers over his stomach and sides.
“There you go” I smiled when he turned to face me, something in my chest loosening “thank you, Matt. You need anything?”
He shook his head- a tiny little movement that I barely caught.
Nonetheless, when Stryker popped his head into the room to check on us, I requested juice and water.
He put the glasses on the bedside table before leaving for training.
Once he had, I placed a hand on the back of Matt’s neck, squeezing gently.
“You want some juice?”
I wasn’t fazed by the lack of reply. Instead, I kissed the top of his head, waiting patiently just in case.
He shifted, meeting my gaze “I don’t know,” he croaked quietly, barely.
I nodded, letting him think about it, feeling stuck.
“Can I have the juice?” He muttered softly, a good ten minutes later, breath warm on my chest. A wave of relief crashed over me.
“Of course. Let’s sit you up a bit so you don’t choke on it,” I replied lightly.
I sat up first, leaning against the wall behind the headboard of Matthew’s bed, before helping Matt to manoeuvre himself against my chest.
“There you go.” I mumbled, carefully handing him the glass.
When he’d finished with it, he tugged my shirt, urging me to lie back down with him. I settled into the bed and kissed his hairline. “You up for talking?” I asked quietly.
“Not really,” he whispered, “can you just hold me?” his voice was so quiet and so broken that it almost made me cry. Because I’d never seen Matthew show weakness like this. I’d never seen him so apparently empty and lost.
“Of course, Matt,” I assured. We lay there, his face hidden in my chest with the covers pulled up to his ears. I kept a hand running through his hair, fingers pressing down on his scalp in an attempt of a gentle massage.
“She would have loved you” Matt murmured abruptly, sleepily, moving impossibly closer to me “You know that, right?”
I knew who he was talking about. His mum. My heart melted.
“Yeah, Matt.”
“But I’d have still loved you more.”
I swallowed the lump of emotion in my throat and nodded “I love you, too.”