CHAPTER 35
Matthew
Things were weird for a while, in my mind.
I couldn’t quite wrap my head around the fact that Jack was gone.
It wasn’t a possibility I was willing to accept and I didn’t know how to deal with it- grief pressed down on everything, not sharp like panic but dull and endless.
Everything I did, everything around me had blurred into a background noise.
Theo was probably my only comfort. My small point of warmth. A constant presence. It made it both better and worse: sometimes, the love felt like the light I couldn’t reach, other times it was the only thing keeping me breathing.
Training was something that helped too, because it kept my brain occupied, gave me something to concentrate on instead of spiralling.
It was for the same cause that I kept accepting going out with the guys. And smoking with Theo. And basically picking up all the bad habits that I usually chastised my boyfriend for.
“You okay?” I heard said boyfriend ask from behind me, clearly having followed me outside onto the roof of our base.
“Yes.” I replied gently. The corner of my mouth quirked up “you stink of smoke.”
“I only had one!” He protested.
“You shouldn’t be having any.”
“You shouldn’t either, but that’s been happening loads lately.” I felt his arms wrap around my waist and his chin rest on my shoulder “you sure you’re okay?”
“I’ve been better.” I admitted “but yeah, I’m okay.” I turned my face towards him, meeting his dazzling blue eyes and smiling “were you looking for me?”
“Nope.” He so obviously lied, stepping away from me to stand beside me “the guys want to go out drinking tomorrow.”
“Hm.”
“You in?”
“Are you?” He hadn’t been coming out much lately.
He kept claiming that he was tired, though I suspected that it had more to do with the fact he hated seeing me drunk.
He’d confessed to it one night, mumbling into my neck that it was like I were another person and it was unsettling before blatantly feigning sleep.
I’d felt guilty for it, just not guilty enough to not get drunk.
The alcohol was an escape, albeit an unhealthy one.
“I think so.” He murmured, catching my eye “if you behave.”
“I will behave.” I promised him, trying to transmit all the sincerity I could into my words.
“Okay.” He replied simply, raising a joint to his lips. I blinked. I hadn’t even realised he’d been holding it.
Theo took a long drag and blew the smoke out in my face. It reminded me of the first time we’d met, the memory so cherished to me I couldn’t even bring myself to be annoyed about it.
“Want a hit?”
“Sure.” I shrugged.
We passed the joint around for a while, then Theo continued smoking it once I got sick of it.
Everything felt amplified. The sound of Dean and Alex shrieking from inside, the birds cawing in the trees, the way the rapidly fading light caught on the strands of Theo’s messy hair.
My heart seemed to race, not just from the high but from the way his eyes sparkled, a shade of blue that was permanently printed into my mind.
“Hey,” Theo mumbled “you’re staring. You good?”
I nodded, words feeling heavy as if stuck somewhere in my throat. Instead, I let my gaze linger a little longer on his face- the way his jawline defined his features, the small birthmark on his cheek, the slight dimple that appeared when he smiled.
“You’re so beautiful, you know that?” I finally managed, my voice slightly breathy as if I were letting out a secret.
Theo barked a laugh “I prefer hot. But I’ll take beautiful.”
“You are.” I insisted, voice sounding distant to my own ears “you’re so fucking perfect and I- I don’t know. You’re just wow.”
Theo’s eyebrows raised, clearly amused by my sudden boldness. “Wow, huh? I guess I’ll take that as a win.”
I grinned, taking him in and feeling that familiar warmth inside me, a fluttering sensation that spread from my chest to my fingertips.
Everything around me seemed faded to the point that all I could focus on was the way Theo’s lips curled into a teasing smile, the mischievous glint in his eyes making me want to lean in closer, to bridge the space between us.
“I want you so much.” I whispered.
“I’m right here.”
“You know what I mean.”
Theo stared at me for a moment, joint hanging loosely from his lips as he appeared to elaborate a response.
He leaned in closer to me, so close I could smell his scent mingling with the lingering smoke, sweet and intoxicating. My breath caught in my throat.
“Then what are you waiting for?”
I closed the distance, hungry, rough, needy.
I pushed Theo onto his back, my brain not even registering that we were on a roof, and kept kissing.
Theo seemed perfectly content to comply, moaning softly, allowing me to slip my hands up his shirt as I continued, his own hands tangling in my hair and tugging.
We broke apart for air, but I was quick to begin kissing his jaw, the kisses gradually becoming longer and more purposeful as I got to his neck and nipped the skin there.
“Matt.” He whined “bed.”
“Now?”
“Mh. It’s been too long.”
I couldn’t agree more.
I stood with Theo in my arms; he laughed, breath tickling my throat, as I carried him inside and down to my bedroom, not even considering that someone could very well be hanging around. Luckily, the corridor was deserted.
I set him down on the bed, where Theo tore his clothes off and spread open without waiting, eyes glassy from kissing and need.
I went slow, ignoring his whimper to just fuck him, even if the desire was pooling in my stomach.
I licked at his collarbone, paused at the hollow of his chest, hands following his ribs, waist, hipbones. Theo moaned softly, titling his head back and tangling his fingers into my hair.
“More.” He whispered, desperate.
I smirked, kissing him again as my hand continued to wonder, a long, lazy line down Theo’s belly.
He arched. I cupped him first, just to hear the soft, helpless noise he made. Then my fingers slid lower, brushing teasingly before he lifted his hips, and I pressed one finger inside. Theo groaned into the kiss, body tightening around my finger, and I shushed him gently.
“You’re okay,” I murmured.
“I fucking know.” Theo whined, parting his thighs wider.
“You’re perfect,” I whispered, voice suddenly rough, as I pushed another finger in.
Theo shivered.
I waited until he was still again, until his breathing evened out, then I added a third finger.
Theo gasped, fingers clutching at my hair, tugging hard.
I paused, thumb smoothing over his hipbone.
“Get in me.” He whispered “fuck, Matt, please-“
“Shh.” I shushed again as I removed my fingers “be patient.”
“I’ve been patient.” He groaned “please-“
I eased us together, and Theo’s hips immediately lifted, moaning loudly, his whole body shivering and hand tightening it’s grip on my bicep when I finally pushed inside, as if he were trying to hold me in place, as if I had anywhere else I wanted to be.
I kissed along his cheek, jaw, lips. “You okay?” I whispered, just to be sure, though Theo was already nodding, hands clutching at me.
“Yeah-God, yeah-don’t stop.”
So I didn’t.
His name seemed to keep repeating itself in my mind, all other thoughts lost as I thrust into the others tight hole, my eyes singularly focused on the sweat glistening across flushed freckled cheeks, on his whimpers and moans, eyes hazy with the pleasure I was giving him.
“Mmmmm, Matt I’m-“ Theo cut himself off with a desperate moan, his head slamming back as my lips found their way to his nipples, sucking and biting with renewed vigour; my hand reached to stroke his cock, causing him to clench around me, the all encompassing heat making me groan as I chased my orgasm.
“Matt-“ Theo groaned “Matt, I’m going to-“ he tightened violently as his cock spurted, splattering white across my stomach, his eyes rolling back, both the sight and sensation pushing me to follow, gasps and groans of pleasure filling the air as the high took us.
My mind was still focused on the beautiful boy beneath me when he finally stopped shaking.
“Theo?” I murmured, pressing a kiss against his sweaty forehead, “ok?”
“Better than ok…” he replied breathily, still panting, smiling lazily.
I began to pull out, heart stuttering at the slightly pained groan that followed.
“Are you sore? hurt?”
“Just sore. I’m fine.” He mumbled, yet I was already crawling back up the bed, placing kisses across his legs, stomach, chest, neck and eventually his face, sighing softly, "perfect."
A giddy smile broke across Theo’s face before he rolled us over, leaning over me then flopping his body down, nuzzling his face into my chest with a throaty groan.
"You’re a goddamn softy," I laughed.
"Fuck off.”
“You are.” I said fondly “trying to play tough guy all the time but you’re no good at i-“ I was cut off by my own yelp as he dug his fingers into my waist, laughing openly at the sound before also yelping as I fought back; we rolled around like fools, our breathy snorts of laughter filling the silence in the room.
The bickering, laughing, fighting, fucking- it all made me feel warm and fuzzy inside, especially when Theo collapsed beside me, entwining our hands together.
“You’re a softy.” He mumbled, closing his eyes.
I didn’t even bother denying it.