Chapter 45 Lexie
My whole body feels numb, but I lift myself from the bench and move towards the courtyard, unsure of where to go next. This is all too real.
My heart pulls me one way and my brain another, and yet my body makes an independent decision to drag me into the house and up the stairs.
I need clarity and closure and I’m not going to get either if I don’t do something.
With every step, my brain flips between what I should do.
By the time I reach the top, I’m still lost.
All I know is that I need one more moment with Theo.
Standing outside his bedroom, my heart thuds so loudly it climbs into my ears. I press my knuckles against the wooden door, but my body refuses to let me knock. Come on, come on. Just do this. I exhale a shaky, hard breath, then tap.
No answer.
I rap my knuckles again.
Still no answer.
Is this a good or bad thing? Maybe he’s looking for me. Maybe he’s searching for his bride. Maybe he’s at one of the bars, drowning his sorrows. My stomach knots. I crack open the door and step inside the empty bedroom.
My gaze immediately sweeps to the bed that loosely resembles Theo’s bedroom, and I think of how he claimed me, marked me, convinced me I was his. Those fleeting moments were the last time I felt whole.
Whole.
Goddammit. I don’t want to be broken. I don’t want to keep wondering what could’ve been.
I brush my hand against the silky goose-down comforter.
I close my eyes and picture his mouth, his smile, the way he looked at me these last few months.
The way he saw me more than anyone has ever seen me.
I picture his fingers brushing my skin, his lips moving against me, his scent.
I’m lost in my own world when I hear the soft click of a door behind me.
“Lexie.”
When I turn around, my breath catches at a clean-shaven Theo, standing in mirror-shined shoes, a white button-down shirt with a black tie, a sharp black tuxedo vest, and black pants. He looks every bit the dashing groom, and my aching heart leaps into my throat.
“Hi.” My voice is barely above a whisper, and from where he’s standing at the corner of the room, I’m not even sure he can hear me.
“Hi.” He shoves his hands in his pockets and takes a long, sweeping gaze over me. But the heat-laced look that he usually gives me is gone, replaced by one that is more grief-stricken than lust-filled.
He’s not happy. Anyone can see it. Regret fills his whiskey-brown eyes. Is it for me? For what he’s about to do? I’m hanging on to a delicate thread of hope and wondering how much weight it can take before it snaps.
I swallow back all the nerves. Am I going to do this?
Am I really going to do this? I don’t know if I can.
I want to. If I don’t tell him how I feel, I’ll regret it for the rest of my life.
But, my insides are trembling so bad, I’m not sure I can push out the words.
“I can’t believe your wedding day is finally here. ”
His eyes don’t sparkle. But they’re not sharp, or narrowed, or angry. They’re more… soft… and I struggle to interpret the meaning. “Yeah. Same.”
My mouth is bone dry. Fuck, this is terrible. I should run. Just turn right around and run right out of this room. After a long pause, I sigh. “Feels like the end of an era, huh?”
The tiniest bit of his lips curve, but it’s not a smile. “It really does.”
Everything with Theo feels like it has come full circle. From college, to seeking revenge, to being together, to heartbreak. And now, after today, the Theo I once held onto, who seesawed between saturating my dreams, then nightmares, then dreams again, will be gone.
“I… uh… I think I can help with your investigation,” I say and his eyebrows crease in confusion.
“What you said about your dad, it didn’t sit right with me.
I kept thinking how strange it was for my dorm roommate to drop out of school like that, so I tracked her down.
I told her how I’d taken over her student aide position with your dad, and if she was doing okay, and apologized for not reaching out to her at the time.
She didn’t say much at first, but the more we spoke, the more she opened up about her experience at St. Benedicts. ”
I twirl the rings on my finger, fully aware that I’m hiding behind the investigation to postpone the conversation I really need to have with him.
But Theo deserves to know there might be a way to get justice for these women.
“After she dropped out, she ended up going to Penn State,” I say. “She’s a doctor now.”
A sliver of hope flickers through his eyes. “A doctor?”
I nod. “A pediatrician in Pennsylvania.”
We both know what this means. As much as it shouldn’t matter what position a woman holds, or the socioeconomic class she belongs to, our twisted society pays closer attention to these women than others.
A doctor willing to corroborate the stories of his father will lend weight to the rest. It would force people to listen.
“We’re going to meet next week when she’s in the city,” I say, still hardly able to look at him. “I think she’ll come forward, especially if it’ll help the other women.”
His throat rolls with a swallow. “This is incredible, Lexie. Thank you.”
I nod and finally drop my hands. “I can share your contact information with her. And if it’ll help, I’ll vouch for you.”
“You’d do that?” he says.
“Of course. You’re fighting for these women. I hope you don’t stop.”
So many moments stretch between us. I wonder if he’s thinking the same thing as me. The surreality of the day settles in the last few months, the last nearly eight years. How we each found love, then lost it. How today could be the day we finally go our separate ways.
We found love.
I found love.
Annabelle’s voice is in my head, encouraging me to tell Theo everything, but fear still controls me. “Are you nervous?”
He nods.
“That’s perfectly normal.” I need to leave. My heart hurts, everything fucking hurts. I want him to hold me and tell me that he’s choosing me. Please, please choose me. “I’m nervous, too.”
I inch forward with all the ache and longing, with all the nerves and vulnerability, with a swelling heart that’s expanding so quickly that soon it’s going to push against all my organs until my air is gone.
When I’m close enough to the cedar scent, to the sharp, angled jawline and chiseled chest that my cheeks rested on so many nights, I take a long moment to fix his already perfect tie.
Tears fill my tired eyes. My insides verge on exploding, my heart is pounding so hard that I’m getting dizzy, but the sliding door moment has arrived.
I need to step through and pray that I’ll not only land upright, but he’ll step through with me.
His hands stay stuffed inside his pockets, but he’s letting me touch the tie, letting my fingers brush against the buttons, letting me take all the moments I need.
I can’t wait any longer. Even though the nerves are killing me, and the tingling in my chest has upgraded to a stabbing, I need to tell him.
“You don’t have to go through with it.” The words are barely above a whisper.
I clear my throat and look at his regret-filled eyes. “Please don’t go through with it.”
He can see the pleading in my eyes, he can hear the broken notes in my voice. This is the part where he’s supposed to scoop me into him, tell me that he loves me, and that he won’t go through with the wedding. I hold my breath, waiting for him to do something, to say anything.
But he doesn’t.
Instead, the sternness in his face shatters, and he removes my hands from his tie. “Lexie…”
No. Please, no. I can’t hear my name whispered with remorse and regret. “Please,” I say, and this time I reach for his hands. I’ve never felt more raw or vulnerable in my life. I want to run away and hide from this moment, but I stay, holding his hands, begging him to see me.
“Don’t marry Annabelle. Be with me. Tell me what we have is real, that I didn’t make this up.
” Dangerous, dangerous hope fills my voice, as my gaze dashes between his eyes.
“Tell me that everything I’m feeling, you’re feeling, too.
Tell me you’re hurting the way I’m hurting, that you want to be with me the same way that I want to be with you. ”
His silence is excruciating. I’ve climbed to the top of a skyscraper without a safety harness, I’m dangling my toes off the edge and wondering if he’s going to catch me, jump with me, or let me fall.
Deep lines cut his forehead, and yet, he stays silent.
My chin trembles and I pull in an uneven breath. “Tell me you love me.” My words are a shaky, hopeful whisper. “Tell me you love me… the way I love you.”
My voice cracks on the words, and I can barely lift my head. My heart’s bare, standing unprotected in a battlefield, bracing for the spray of bullets, while praying for air support.
For a brief moment, gentleness breaks through the torment in his eyes. Then it’s gone. “What are you doing?”
The sharpness in his tone makes me recoil. What am I doing? I’m standing here, taking a reckless leap of faith, hoping he’ll choose me.
“Don’t do this,” he snaps, stepping away from me. “You don’t know what you’re saying.”
My chin trembles. “Wh… what?”
His cheeks flush. “Tell me right now that you forgive me for lying to you. I want to hear you say it.”
My searching gaze flicks between his fiery eyes, and I feel my stomach knot. “We, ah… there’s a lot to talk about. But, we, I mean, we can talk—”
“Stop. Just fucking stop,” he barks and my breath locks.
“You’re never going to forgive me. I can see it all over your face—and how could you?
I don’t even blame you for feeling that way.
” He shakes his head. “So what’s the point of telling me you love me?
You came to see me on my wedding day just to get payback? To fuck with my head?”
Unshed tears glisten in my eyes. “No… I’m trying to tell you how I feel.” I start to reach for him, when he steps back even farther. “I said, I love you.”
His eyebrows creasing is the only indication that he even heard me. He drops his crossed arms and storms to the door. “Get out.”
“You don’t mean that.”
“Get the fuck out!” he barks with such venom that I lose the battle to hold back my tears. “We don’t need to see each other again. Ever.”
My heart shatters.
With all the strength left in me, I move to the door.
Behind me, I swear I hear a whispered, “Lexie…” but it’s swallowed against the empty hallway, and through the house, and into the breeze as I make my way down the courtyard.
It’s swallowed by the photographer setting up the cameras, by the florists adding their final touches, by the quartet unloading from the van. It’s swallowed by the guests arriving.
It’s swallowed by my broken, shattered heart.
I keep walking. Past the courtyard, past the front steps, past the cobblestone path leading to the driveway.
To the edge of the yard, past the fountains, behind the valets.
I hear my name called, but it’s not Theo’s voice.
I turn to see Justin, rushing to catch up to me.
When I swipe my tears and shake my head, he puts a hand to his heart, and I keep walking.
And yet, there’s part of me filled with a wistful, na?ve hopefulness, that allows me to turn around, just one last time, to see if Theo’s following. To see if maybe he had a change of heart.
But he’s not there. I walk to the side of the property where Sydney is standing. “Hey, Lexie, good, you’re here. The photographers are ready to start taking photos of the bridal party. So let’s check in with Annabelle’s team… oh. Oh, no. What’s wrong?”
Tears stream down my face. “I’m so sorry. I… can’t do this.”
Her body softens. “Of course you can. I know it’s a lot of pressure, but you did it, Lexie.” She waves her hand to the pristinely decorated estate. “You did this. Look at this! In six months? You’ve done the impossible, and I’m so damn proud of you.”
The tears flow even harder now, and I shake my head. “There’s so much to tell you, but… I can’t. I just… fuck.” I swipe my thumb under my eye. “I’m in love with the groom.”
I cannot believe I just said this to my boss, but I genuinely don’t care anymore. Everything is broken. My heart, my soul, probably even a piece of my sanity. Tears trickle down, rolling under my chin, and I wipe them.
Sydney’s eyes go wide and she stands open-mouthed, looking like she’s stopped breathing. She looks behind me, behind herself, then finally exhales. “Oh… my… wow.” She tugs the clipboard to her chest. “Is he in love with you?”
I thought so. But I was wrong.
I glance at an unmoving Sydney and shrug. “I don’t know.”
She sets down the clipboard on a stone garden table and puts her hands on her waist. A long moment passes as she scans the decorated tables, the gathering family members, then back at me.
“I’ve given up a lot for my career. Family, a social life, love.
I wish I could say that I know how you feel, but I can’t.
I don’t know what you must be going through, but, it must hurt like hell to be here today. ”
I swallow and nod.
“You’ve done everything you could to get us ready for today. It’d be cruel to make you stay.”
The relief flooding my body is the first ray of sunshine I’ve had in weeks. “Really?”
“Yes,” she says with a sympathetic smile. “Go. You’ve set everything up perfectly, you deserve a break. I want what’s best for you, Lexie, and watching the person you love get married… that might not be something you’ll ever get over.”
And then Sydney does something so un-Sydney-like that my brain takes a moment to reconcile the action with the person. She reaches over and pulls me in for a full, warm, engulfing hug. “Take the rental car. Justin and I will figure out how to get back to the city.”
I thank her profusely, quickly gather my items resting on our prep table, and race to the car. The relief I feel from leaving is quickly overshadowed by grief. Before I reach the end of the block, I break into sobs.
Today, I experienced true heartbreak. The kind that reaches inside of you, squeezing you so tight you’re sure you’ll never be able to properly breathe again.
Theo and I are done.
For better or worse, this chapter of my life is officially closed.
And my world crumbles.