Chapter 46 Theo
I haven’t moved. I don’t know how long ago Lexie left.
Two minutes, five, fifty? My feet are rooted to the hardwood floor, and I stay there, locked in forced immobility, for as long as it takes.
Because if I move, I’ll chase her. I’ll run out of this house, drag her into me, and never let her leave.
But I can’t.
The way Lexie looked at me. Fuck. Regret and pain tear at my skin like I’m submerged into an acid lake. The willpower and restraint I’m using right now to not fall at my knees, makes my legs shake.
But I had to push her away. Because I’m not strong enough to let her go.
The pain is unbearable. It’s as raw as my flesh being ripped from my bones, as sharp as a machete through the heart.
It feels as though my insides are being burned alive.
I can’t breathe. I don’t think I ever can again.
For the rest of my life, the image of hope, love, and heartache that swirled in those emerald eyes will haunt me.
Watching the glimmer of hope fade will be the last look I see before I go to bed, it will be the stagnant ache that will never heal.
This is the punishment I deserve. The torment of choosing one type of love over the other. Of deciding between loyalty and heart. Of knowing an angelic light flickered in the blackness of my soul before going dark again.
I’ll live in this punishment for eternity, if it will remove her hurt.
If my self-flagellation can be her balm, I’ll do it.
I’ll take this and a million more. I’ll walk barefoot on broken glass, I’ll inhale the poison, I’ll stand in the fire.
For Lexie, I will do almost anything. Almost. Except what she wants.
I finally move. I’m sniffing the air like a dog, hoping for a hint of vanilla-scented skin, but it’s gone. God, I have to get used to this.
I’m not a good man. I don’t deserve either of these women.
But everything has come to a head and I’m running out of solutions.
I can’t walk away from Anna. But I can’t be with Lexie either.
I need to protect her from me, from who I really am, from the sick, broken part of me.
Even though my insides burn at the thought of her being with another man, maybe letting her go is the only way she’ll find someone more worthy.
A twisted, unhinged piece of me welcomes this torment. Maybe pain is atonement. Maybe through my suffering, it will set Lexie back on the life she deserves.
I drag myself to the window and watch the wedding preparations in full swing, but feel none of the excitement a groom should on his wedding day.
My phone sits heavy in my pocket. I know what I need to do.
I’m going to be married in a few hours, and I can’t hold on to this past any longer.
My fingers hover over Lexie’s photos I have saved on my phone.
From the sexy selfies she sent me, to one of me kissing her cheek, to the snaps I took of her when she was sleeping.
I need to let her go. I don’t deserve to hang on to her like this.
Even though it’s going to fucking kill me, I pull in a full breath, hit delete, and push on through the pain.
She’s gone. In every sense of the word, Lexie is gone from my life, and everything in me breaks.
A knock on the door jars me from where I’m standing, and I hate that for a fleeting moment, I wonder if she returned. But when I open it to see Lexie’s friend Justin standing there with a stern look, I’m both relieved and disappointed.
A silent standoff ensues between us. He clearly loves her, and even though I’m raging that he gets to be with her for the rest of his life, I’m also grateful she has someone who won’t abandon her like I did.
I brace myself for whatever he’s going to give me.
I’ll take it. I deserve it. Will he tell me I’m a piece of shit who ruined her life?
That I deserve nothing but misery? Is he going to hit me—because right now, wedding day or not, I’d let him.
Instead, he says, “Can I get you anything to eat or drink?” When I shake my head, he checks his watch. “Photos start in thirty minutes.”
When he turns to leave, I take a step forward. “Is she gone?”
His shoulders brace, and he slowly turns to face me. “Yeah.”
I exhale through my nose. I already knew this, but hoped that maybe, as fucked up as it is, she’d stay for my wedding. “Is she coming back?”
His jaw flexes and the words that must be on the tip of his tongue—because how can they not be, how can anyone who loves her not want to defend, protect, and honor her in every regard—he swallows back. A long moment passes when he straightens his back. “No.”
And then he closes the door.
The hollow ache in my gut spreads and totally consumes me.
My wedding day.
The loneliest day of my life.