7. Mazikeen #4
By the time everyone left, I had moved to the living room. The remote was in my hand, and I had made myself comfortable on the couch. I didn’t attempt to clean up the food that was on the floor. Fuck that food.
Falcon left me alone for a while which surprised me. I assumed he would come right over and give me the riot act. He didn’t even clean the food off the floor before he went into the bedroom.
I settled myself on the couch with my weighted blanket over me. It wasn’t clear when I went to sleep or how long I had been asleep when I felt kisses all over my face. My hand smacked away the feeling. “Stop,” I whined.
“It’s time to wake up, love. You need to eat and take your medication,” Falcon said softly.
I rolled my eyes with my eyelids still closed. They didn’t open when I decided to speak. “I’m not hungry, Falcon.”
“Respectfully, my love, I don’t give a fuck. Sit your ass up and eat this damn food so you can take your fuckin’ meds.” His tone was hard and unapologetic.
My eyes popped open because, who the hell was he talking to. I slowly sat up and stretched. Not because I planned to do what he told me to do. I wanted to sit up to cuss his ass out. “First, let’s get an understanding of who the hell you’re talking to.”
He chuckled from his seat on the ottoman across from me.
“I’m talking to you, Mazikeen Joy Phillips.
I’m in my right mind, and I will not alter what the hell I said.
I am not going to pretend to understand what you are going through, love.
I can only imagine the anger, disappointment, and hurt that you feel.
With that being said, what will not happen is you using those feelings to disrespect me.
I don’t deserve that, and you are more of a woman than that.
“Yes, be angry. Yes, be hurt. Yes, be disappointed. I am here for you any way that you need me, except to be disrespected. We are going to set that boundary right now, so we don’t have to talk about it again.”
Well, damn. I took a moment to get my feelings together. This man just put me in my place. I had a right to have my feelings, and so did he. I huffed, then did what I didn’t want to do but I knew was the right thing to do. “I apologize for disrespecting you. That is not what I ever want to do.
“I love you so much.” My head dropped. When I lifted it, I felt the tears cascade down my face.
“I know it was the first time that I got a call like that. I’m sure that there are people that have gotten that call far more times than I have.
It’s just how do they take it? Hope called, then it’s snatched away. ”
There was so much love in his eyes as he gazed at me. I didn’t feel like he pitied me in any way. He slid off the ottoman to the floor with his back against it. “Come here, love.”
A faint smile welcomed itself to my face. This was the first time that I had a meltdown like this. It wasn’t the first time that I had a breakdown about my health. I was so tired, but I felt like I didn’t have the right to be tired.
I was a Black woman with lupus. The key word in that statement wasn’t lupus; it was Black woman. As a Black woman, I was supposed to be strong. That was how we were bred from the beginning of time. A show of weakness was not allowed.
Anytime I had a breakdown, Falcon sat on the floor or the bed and held me in his arms from behind while I sat between his legs. It wasn’t a romantic hug either. It was one of those anxiety relief tight hugs. This time was no different.
He set a pillow between his legs before I sat. My eyes closed when I felt his lips kiss me behind my ear. His arms wrapped around me tightly, and the pressure relaxed me. “I love you, Kee. I know this was disappointing, but it’s going to happen.”
“I’m so tired. I don’t want to go to dialysis. I want to be left alone. I want to be weak, mad, and left the hell alone, but I know I can’t. I know that isn’t an option.” My breathing calmed after I spoke my heart.
Another kiss behind my ear. “Who told you that rest was weakness? Mazikeen, you could never be weak, and you deserve to rest when you want to. You are home. This is where you can rest without guilt. Kee, by home, I don’t mean this house. What I mean is here in my heart, in my presence.”
This man was everything and more. Safety was what I felt with him. I was able to be who I was and felt the comfort to evolve to who I was meant to be without judgment. He was right; he was my home. “I love you more than you will ever know.”
My head leaned on his arm, and his chin rested on the top of my head. “I love you too, Mazikeen.” There was silence for a moment. “Baby, I just want to let you know that you’re going to clean that food off the floor. I’m not cleaning that shit up because I don’t condone tantrums.”
Laughter built in my chest, and I allowed it access to the air. “Damn, I thought you would have cleaned it up by now. You left it on the floor.”
“I sure the fuck did. I don’t know what the fuck you thought this was.” His voice held no humor. He meant that.