Chapter 37
CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN
IVY
Ilanded in Bitterroot Valley at eight in the morning and was at work at the hospital by nine. I didn’t even have time to go home to see Cally, who I feel so guilty for leaving for a whole week. Ava’s been at the house every day to see her, but still. That’s not enough people time for her.
It seems guilt is just my middle name today.
I never keep my phone on me during work, but I quickly check it between patients, just to see if Xander ever texted me back after I landed.
Spoiler alert: He didn’t.
I know he’s upset, and I should have stayed to talk it out, but all I could think was that I had to go. First of all, the patients need me today, and I can’t just not show because my love life is bruised up. That’s not okay.
And second, maybe I just need a minute to breathe and get my head on straight.
Thankfully, the day goes fairly smoothly, and I’m off work by six, so I immediately go home, and when I walk through the door, Cally comes running.
She purrs and weaves through my legs as I set my stuff down, and then I lift her in my arms and hug her close, bury my face in her side, and feel the tears come.
She’s making biscuits on my shoulder as I carry her to the living room, where I sit and hold her in the silence and take a moment to just be with her.
“I miss you.” I can barely choke out the words. “I hate being away from you so much. From now on, I’m taking you with us. If Taylor Swift can travel with her cats, so can I.”
I tug my phone out of my pocket and see that I missed nothing.
No messages from my man.
“I’ve messed up,” I say and pull back so I can scratch her behind the ears. “I don’t know if he still wants me after what happened this morning. Why can’t I just talk to him?”
Shut the fuck up! I don’t fucking care if you’re worried. You’re going to school. Just tell those little assholes to go to hell and get on with your day. You’re not going to stay home.
I swallow hard as more memories flood through me.
Only weaklings worry about the shit you worry about. Jesus, I didn’t realize I gave birth to such a worthless little idiot.
She was really the worst.
If you don’t stop talking about shit that hasn’t even happened, I’m going to smack you across the face. Now get out of here.
And it wasn’t just her. If I voiced concerns to teachers, they brushed me off and told me not to worry.
Then kids would snicker and mock me.
I was taught to shut my mouth since I was a kid.
And I know that Xander’s not them, and that he would listen and help me.
But I don’t know how to voice what this is.
I told him this morning that I’m afraid he’ll forget us, and he brushed it off.
I know he didn’t mean for it to sound that way, but he did.
No one understands.
Finally, my stomach growls, and I kiss Cally before setting her down and going in search of food. Xander told Cassie that I’d be here, and she said she’d put a couple of things in the fridge.
First, I fill Cally’s dish, and while she eats her dinner, I find something to pop in the microwave.
It’s snowing outside, coming down hard now, so beef stew sounds good. While that heats up, I walk over to stand at the windows and watch the snow come down behind the house, over the pond.
Xander welcomed me here with open arms. It feels like home. It no longer feels like I’m just staying as a guest. Both this home and the one in Denver are ours.
And I love them.
But have I fucked up so badly that we’re done?
I check my phone again, and decide fuck it.
I bite my lip as I open a text thread with Xander and then watch the snow as I consider what to say.
Me: Everything seems fine here at the house. Cally was excited to see me. I miss you so much don’t dump me because I’m an idiot who can’t express to you how bad my anxiety is right now.
I wrinkle my nose and take out that entire last sentence, leaving only the part about the house and Cally, and hit send.
Xander reads it.
But he doesn’t answer.
Closing my eyes, I pop my phone in my pocket and then pull the stew out of the microwave and take it to the island.
Cally hops up on the stool next to mine and keeps me company while I eat. When I’m finished, she follows me up to the bedroom and waits in the bathroom while I take a shower, and then we stand facing the bed, and I nibble my lower lip.
I don’t want to sleep here without him.
So, after I put on pajamas, Cally and I walk over to the guest room, the one that I originally stayed in, and get cozy in the bed.
It’s early, but I didn’t sleep a wink last night and I’m exhausted.
My cat curls up with me, purring so loudly I’m surprised they can’t hear her in town, and she lulls me to sleep.
It’s early when I wake up the next morning, but I’m shocked to see that I slept for a solid ten hours. I’m also disappointed to see that my flight is delayed because of the weather.
Shit.
I shoot Xander a text, even though he’s still not speaking to me.
Me: My flight is delayed because of the snow. I’m sorry.
Again, he leaves me on read, and I lie here and stare at the ceiling.
“So, what’s worse? The possibility of Xander forgetting about you if he ever has another brain injury? Or the fact that he might just break up with you when he does remember you?”
My stomach is in knots, but I force myself out of bed, and I pad into our bedroom to get dressed.
Since I have extra time today, I call Xander’s dad. I know that Xander’s been keeping track of Greg every day, but after what happened, we’re all worried about him.
“Good morning, pretty girl,” he says when he answers.
“Good morning. Hey, I’m in town today, and I was wondering if you’re up for company this morning?”
“I’ll never turn down your company, Ivy. Why don’t I make us breakfast?”
“That sounds great to me.”
“Come on over, honey.”
“I’ll be there soon.”
I end the call and walk downstairs to find someone in the driveway, plowing snow. I walk out on the porch and wave at them, and then Tucker hops out of his truck and strides over to me.
“Good morning,” he says with a smile.
“Hi. Do you always plow Xander’s driveway?”
He grins and shakes his head. “No, he called me this morning. Told me you were here and he wanted to make sure you could get in and out.”
Oh, my heart.
Even when he’s mad at me, he still looks out for me.
“Thank you. I’m going into town to have breakfast with your dad.”
Tucker’s eyes soften. “You don’t have to—”
“Are you kidding? I love your dad. I asked him to hang out, and he offered breakfast. I couldn’t say no to that.”
He nods and walks back to the truck. “I’m almost done here. Give me just ten more minutes.”
“Thanks, Tucker.”
He waves, and I walk back inside to gather my things and give Cally a scratch.
“I won’t be long, baby.”
I dread leaving her again later tonight.
But rather than dwell on that, I walk out to my truck when I hear Tucker pull away, and I make my way into town. The roads are dicey, so it takes me longer than usual, but I arrive safely, and when I get up to the door, Greg opens it and welcomes me with a big smile and a warm hug.
“This is a fun surprise,” he says as he pats me gently on the back and then gestures for me to join him in the kitchen. “I’m making bacon and eggs with fried potatoes and toast. Well, you get toast.”
“I don’t need toast.”
“Of course you need toast.” He winks at me. “How’s my boy?”
I sigh and sit at the table in the eat-in kitchen, bracing my chin in my hand. “Stubborn.”
Greg lets out a chuckle and gives the potatoes a stir in the cast-iron skillet.
“All of my kids are stubborn,” he says. “Are you two fighting?”
I lift a shoulder. “I don’t know what we are.”
Greg lifts an eyebrow and begins plating our food. “Maybe you should start at the beginning, and we’ll figure it out together.”
Why couldn’t my own mother have been this good?
I had Chris, but he had so much to deal with, given who he was married to, that I didn’t want to burden him with my problems.
I never had this kind of a relationship with a parent.
Greg sets my plate down, and I immediately salivate. “This smells so good.”
“Breakfast is my specialty. Go on, don’t let the potatoes get cold.”
I take a bite and moan. “I’m coming over every morning.”
He laughs and takes a bite of his own breakfast.
“How have you been feeling?”
He nods and waves me off. “I’m fine. We’ve got it all figured out again. That seems to happen every few months.”
“You scared us.”
“It wasn’t fun for me, either, but I’m grateful that you and Xander came so quickly to help me. Now, no more evading. What’s going on with you?”
“I think I screwed up.” I shove a bite of eggs in my mouth and chew while Greg watches me. “I’ve been anxious about Xander playing. I don’t want him to get hurt.”
“I understand that. None of us wants him hurt.”
I nod, but then I frown.
“It’s not just that.” I take a deep breath. “I love him. So much. I’ve loved him since I was a teenager.”
I take a sip of coffee, and Greg just waits. There’s no judgment on his face, no concern. Just patience and acceptance.
I love Greg too.
“Did you know that Xander used to stick up for me in high school? I was bullied really badly, and if he was ever around, he’d protect me.”
“That’s my boy,” Greg says. “That’s exactly what I raised him to do.”
I smile softly and nod. “You raised a whole bunch of really good people.”
He reaches over and covers my hand with his. “I know. They’re my favorite people.”
Who’s your favorite, Red?
Did I ever tell him?
Fuck, did I ever tell him?
“I have pretty bad anxiety,” I say softly. “And I never talk about it or show it because I was taught . . . well, I just don’t. I don’t know how much you know about Xander’s medical history, and I can’t betray his trust.”
Greg’s eyes narrow.
“But he forgot all about everything he did for me in high school. So when we started working together, I was basically a stranger to him. We’ve fallen in love, and my relationship with him is everything.
He’s an amazing man. He treats me so well.
Do you know that he found out that we got all that snow last night, and he sent Tucker over this morning to plow at the house so I could get in and out?
And he’s mad at me right now. So you can only imagine how good he is to me when things are good. ”
Greg smirks at that. “Xander’s love language is acts of service.”
“Oh, I know. And he’s amazing at it.” I swallow hard. “And I’m terrified that he’s going to get hurt again and forget me.”
The last two words are said on a whisper, and once again, Greg reaches out to take my hand.
“It’s okay to sit with that.”
My eyes dart up to his. “It is?”
“Of course. It’s how you feel. You love him, and it would be catastrophic if he forgot about you.”
I can’t help it. I burst into tears because finally someone understands.
“Yes. And I can’t stop thinking about it because my brain isn’t normal, and I can’t shut it off.”
“Okay.” He squeezes my hand. “It’s okay, honey. I take it you haven’t told Xander about this?”
“I did, briefly, but it was as I was leaving to come here to work yesterday, and we didn’t resolve anything or even understand each other. He asked me to stay, and I left anyway, and I know it hurt him.”
“Oh boy.”
Greg is grim as he sighs, and I close my eyes.
“I’m sure he is hurt,” Greg continues. “Of all of my kids, Xander had the hardest time when Heather left.”
I blink my eyes open. “You don’t have to talk about that.”
“I really should, so you know what you’re dealing with.
He was four, and he was such a mama’s boy.
He was her shadow. If she was in the garden, he was in the garden.
If she was in the kitchen, he was with her.
Ava was tiny, and Easton and Tucker were in school.
So that left Xander with his mom a lot.”
Greg exhales and looks down at the table.
“He was inconsolable when she left. Cried for weeks. It just broke his little heart.”
I swipe at a tear and swallow hard.
I left him too.
“I don’t know for sure, but I’m fairly certain that’s why he doesn’t keep girlfriends for long.
I’ve never met anyone Xander was interested in until he introduced us to you.
So, you say that you have issues, but so does my boy.
And neither of those issues are insurmountable. You just have to talk to each other.”
I nod and accept the tissue he offers me.
“You’re right.”
“What Xander needs more than anything is a woman who’s ready to fight for him. Because I guarantee you, my boy will pull his head out of his ass once he’s done licking his wounds and fight for you. But I think that you need to decide what you want. Is he worth the risk?”
I frown, and he continues.
“Is your relationship worth the risk of him being injured? Your worst fears are unlikely to happen. I know you know that. Are you willing to work through those fears together, or would it be easier for you to cut your losses and go your own way?”
“I don’t want to live without him.”
He smiles at me. “Good. That’s your answer. He works a demanding, high-profile job. And he’s gone most of the time.”
“The team offered me a job,” I admit softly. “I haven’t even told Xander yet, but I wouldn’t have to be away from him at all.”
Greg blinks in surprise. “Sounds like you have all the tools, you just have to decide what’s best for you.”
I glance outside, where the snow has slowed down.
“Xander is what’s best for me.”
“I like that a lot,” he replies, and we finish our breakfast.
An hour later, after I’ve helped wash the dishes and tidy up, I’m about to walk out to my truck, but I stop and turn back to him.
“I have a question.”
“Shoot.”
“What’s Xander’s middle name?”