Chapter Thirty-One
My watch tells me I’m at almost thirty-thousand steps, which means I’ve been walking the streets of New York for hours. I’ve missed about ten calls and fifty text messages from Raven, Keegan, and my mom, but I’m avoiding all conversations. The sun set hours ago, and I can hear Keegan’s voice in my ear telling me to be safe. But tonight, my grief is my greatest companion, and even the darkness doesn’t make me feel alone. My pain surrounds me like a weighted blanket.
And then I look up and see Keegan’s building. Deep down, I knew this was where I was headed the entire time, and I avoided ending up here for hours. I know what I need to say, but they aren’t words I want Keegan to hear. I’m in a land of what-ifs, and I can’t help but feel that I not only let Forest down but disappointed Keegan too. He asked, no, begged me to tell Forest as soon as things started between us. And now my decisions are at the center of chaos. I created this mess.
The doorman waves me in, and I head up to Keegan’s apartment. He’s not standing in the doorway like so many other times when I’ve visited, but instead, his door is open. Keegan leans over his island, studying papers lying there. His hair is wet, and his black-rimmed glasses are back on his tired-looking eyes. When he sees me, he jumps to his feet and rushes toward me.
“Where have you been?” Keegan pulls me into a hug. “I’ve been worried sick about you.”
“I needed time to think,” I say, pulling away from his embrace. I study him, surprised that he’s acting like nothing has changed between us when everything has.
“I’ve been thinking a lot about this,” Keegan says. “I’m going to sit down with Forest, and then—”
“Keegan, stop.” I put my hand up, and he pauses. Anything he says is going to make this one thousand times harder.
“I’ve been thinking a lot too,” I say.
He removes his glasses and pinches the skin between his eyebrows. He watches me as I try to find the words to say next.
“We tried,” I say, nervously laughing because it’s the only thing keeping me from crying. “The past month has been...” I can’t find the words to describe what our time has meant to me.
“But?” Keegan backs up and leans against the kitchen island.
“You heard what Forest said.” I inhale a sharp breath. “Maybe I’m not ready for a relationship, and he’s probably right that this won’t end well. And if we both admit that now and go our separate ways, you and Forest have a chance.”
Keegan pushes off the island and clasps my wrist. “For me and Forest to be cool, I have to lose you?”
“You’ll go back to being Forest’s best friend,” I say. “And you and I can walk away while we still like each other. Before either of us screws this up. We’ll act like nothing ever happened. You’ll be Forest’s best friend, and I’ll be the younger sister you guys sometimes include.”
“You’ve always been more to me than that,” Keegan says.
“Keegan.” I pull my wrist away from him. “It’s better for us to walk away before real feelings are involved.”
“Real feelings?” Keegan says, shaking his head. “What is it going to take for you to understand how I feel about you?”
Keegan escapes down the hallway but returns a moment later with a book. He stands in front of me, opens a page, and then hands me a picture. A photo of Keegan and me stares back at me. It was taken at his medical school graduation. I barely remember someone snapping a photo. My brown hair is pulled on top of my head, and my arms are crossed. I look at the camera, annoyed to be there, and even more irritated that someone is making me take this photo. Keegan though, looks at me. His crimson and black robe hangs off his frame, and he holds his cap and diploma in his hand. I glance at Keegan.
“Why are you showing me this?” I say, holding it up, studying it.
“I don’t know how I can be any more clear, Luna. Do I need to spell things out for you?” Keegan shakes his head and then snatches the photo from me. “I have a tattoo of a moon. I carry around my favorite photo of us in a book of poetry.”
“Keeg—” I begin to say, but he interrupts me.
“You want to end things before we catch feelings,” Keegan says. “But I’ve been in love with you for the past eight years.”
“No. Don’t say that.” Blood drains from my face at Keegan’s admission, and I can’t seem to find any of my words. I look down at my feet.
“Why?” Keegan grabs my arm.
“It’s just that. . .”
I’ve been at this point in relationships before, but never this soon into it. No one I’ve ever dated in the past has ever made me want to try to make things work. Instead, my reaction has always been to run. Relationships require compromise, and I’ve never been willing to do that. I’ve always known the path I’ve wanted to take. College. Medical School. Residency. Fellowship. After that, I’d decide on where I wanted to practice medicine, and I always intended to make that decision independent of any man in my life. This is the point in relationships where I walk away because every man I’ve dated has felt like an obstacle instead of a partner.
It’s hard to see Keegan in the same light, though.
“I didn’t know,” I finally say. “How could I have known?”
“You’ve chosen to stay willfully ignorant,” Keegan says, lifting my chin to face him. “Luna.” Keegan closes his eyes and inhales sharply. When he opens them, they are glossy. “I’ve been in love with you for longer than is healthy when it’s unrequited.”
“You don’t love me,” I say. “You can’t.”
Keegan steps back from me wounded. “Don’t insult my intelligence.”
“Then why am I only hearing about this for the first time?”
“When was I going to tell you?” Keegan says. “I fell in love with you, and then the next day, I was moving to New York to start a six-year residency. You were just starting undergrad. And then going to medical school. You were in Minnesota. I was here. Our lives have been going in opposite directions for so long. I have a moon tattoo, Luna. You know I don’t believe in coincidences. Short of telling you, and scaring the shit out of you, I feel like I’ve been very clear about my feelings.”
“Keegan.” I put my head in my hands. “None of this was supposed to happen. I can’t have distractions. I said I wasn’t going to date in my internship year because I needed to focus on medicine. I told myself that when I did start dating it wouldn’t be someone I worked with. Forest hates us both. And now here I am. I’ve been in New York for less than three months and have already created a mess.”
My heart breaks looking at Keegan. I’ve never hated hurting someone more than I loathe the pain I can see all over his face. But I’m so focused on Forest and his pain, that I can’t focus on mine, and what walking out the door could mean. If I remove myself from the equation, Keegan and Forest may have a fighting chance at their relationship. There is no point in my life when there was one without the other. I refuse to be the reason why.
“I don’t want to hurt you.” I step toward him, and he backs away. “But I don’t know how to navigate this. Taking space from each other makes the most sense. To figure out what we both want.”
“You aren’t hearing me,” Keegan says, and he rubs my arm with his hand. “I know what I want. I’ve always known, Luna. You are my light. You’ve always been my person.”
I shake free from him and bury my face in my hands. I can’t look at him. I’ve messed everything up beyond repair and seeing the hurt in Keegan’s eyes will be the end of me. After what feels like several minutes of not saying anything, I feel Keegan step away from me.
“Take all the space you need,” Keegan says.
“You know how much—”
“I’m speaking as faculty for Heart Divergent in Chicago and leave Sunday,” Keegan says, interrupting me. I realize there will be no Carnegie Hall date. “Then I’m going to head to Cherry for a couple of weeks to see my mom.”
“I don’t know what else to say.” The tears become more steady down my face. “What I want more than anything is for you to fix things with my brother. You two need each other.”
I think of all the ways they’ve needed each other in life. When Keegan’s dad died when they were only ten years old. All the times Keegan’s mom couldn’t care for him throughout the years. When Forest’s high school girlfriend broke his heart right before their graduation. When our dad was going through cancer treatment. They’ve been each other’s constant through all of it. There is no Forest without Keegan.
“I’ve said everything I can.” Keegan looks at his hands.
“Keegan, please,” I say, grabbing his arm. “This is hurting me too.”
“Well,” he says, stepping back. “I have a lot to do to get ready to leave. You should probably—”
“Yeah, I’ll go.”
I step toward the door. I decide to look back and immediately regret it. Keegan, who I’ve never seen show emotion, wipes a tear that fell from his eye. A million words flood me—things I want to say. But instead, I rush out before I let him see too much of me.
*****
There is no time to wallow in the constant sadness that I feel. Work makes me put aside feelings and focus on those that need me the most. I need to put one foot in front of the other and do my job. I keep telling myself that space is a good thing. It will allow me to focus on my job, and look into spending a year or two at Jamaica Queens Hospital, where their general surgery program has a greater focus on trauma, which is where I want to go after my residency. I also need to continue studying for the intern exam. Even so, my chest feels heavy, and I can’t think of anything except Keegan and how alone he must feel right now.
“We are so going out tonight.” Raven takes my arm as we walk down the hospital corridor. “And we won’t talk about men.”
I blink away a thought. “I really don’t feel up for it.”
“I know,” Raven says. “But you need a distraction. You aren’t eating. You look like crap. You can talk to me, you know?”
“Yeah.” I nod my head. “But you’re dating my brother. It feels like a conflict of interest.”
“Forest is being ridiculous.” Raven leans in and lowers her voice. “You’re not the first brother and sister who have dated each other’s friends.”
“It’s more complicated than that though,” I say. “Forest wouldn’t care if I dated any of his other friends. But Keegan doesn’t count.”
“What do you want?” Raven asks as she squeezes my hand.
“Peace.”
Raven laughs. “Sorry, Luna. That’s not reality. Life is messy and imperfect, and none of us survive it.”
We line up in front of Chief Resident Parse, who starts doling out our daily assignments. “Dr. Worth,” he says to Myles. “You’ll be on the neuro floor today. Dr. Craik,” he says to Raven, “You’ll be in gynecology. Dr. Oliver, cardiac.”
I trudge up to the cardiac floor, ready to rip the Band-Aid off. Because if it wasn’t today, then it would be another day where I’m forced to face Forest, Keegan, or both. It may as well be today.
Dr. Lanson is the first person I see. “Well, Dr. Oliver. I haven’t seen you up here in a while.”
“No,” I say. “I’ve been mainly in the pit. But this is where I’ll be spending my day.”
And then a doctor I don’t recognize rounds the corner and smiles when she sees me. She sticks her hand out. “I’m Dr. Aza Farouk. I’m here for a few weeks. I’m usually at Columbia.”
The only thing worse than having to see Keegan is not seeing him. Knowing that Dr. Farouk is here instead of him makes this hospital feel empty. Nothing feels right without him here.
“Dr. Oliver.” Dr. Farouk stands next to Dr. Lanson. “Do you want to scrub in for your last heart surgery for a while? I hear you’re moving on to endocrine and robotics for your next rotation.”
“Yes,” I say. “Today is my last day of thoracic for a while.”
Everything in my life seems to be changing. Forest won’t answer my calls. Keegan is gone for a couple of weeks, I’m debating spending years two and three at Jamaica Queens Hospital, and it all feels like too much.
Dr. Farouk looks at me. “The patient is a twenty-six-year-old female. Born with a ventricular septal defect, never requiring repair. She developed endocarditis, and it destroyed her mitral valve. We’re going to open her up, give her a new valve, and repair the VSD.”
We get into the room, where the patient is being prepped for surgery, and my brother stands at her bedside.
Forest glances at me. His eyes seem tired, and he struggles to look directly at me. Nothing in life feels good when my brother and my relationship is in this state. We’ve always been close, but as I further examine our relationship, it occurs to me that as much as I love my big brother, we haven’t had a lot of real conversations.
“Emmy, this is Dr. Farouk, and she’ll be your surgeon today. This is Dr. Oliver, a surgical resident who will also be scrubbing in. You’ll be in great hands,” Forest says.
“It’s nice to meet you, Emmy.” Dr. Farouk takes her hand and pats the top of it.
“After surgery,” Forest continues, “you’ll be brought to the ICU. Your family will be there to greet you, and I’ll stop by and check on you as well. Do you have any questions?’
Emmy shakes her head, and we head down to the operating room.
Dr. Farouk is a great surgeon. I stand across from her, observing, and jumping in when she gives me opportunities. My head is both in the game and also with Keegan. I wonder where he’s at this very moment. I contemplate if life will always feel this empty and void of color if he’s not around. Mostly, I ponder if this heaviness in my chest, the sadness that I can’t run from, is love.