Chapter 16 The Morning After
In the morning light, Jake appears peaceful.
A wave of happiness bubbles up inside me.
I have the urge to touch his cheek, but I don’t dare.
Last night I could, but this morning in the sun, I hesitate.
Suddenly I remember—Vee. Clutching my stomach; it feels as if someone kicked me, and the walls are closing in.
How did I forget about Vee and the fact that I wasn’t there when she needed me?
I again picture her all alone in a hospital, hooked up to every kind of machine.
How can my body hold two such distinct feelings simultaneously?
An art lesson on the primary colors from long ago flashes through my head.
I was yellow when I woke next to Jake but thinking about Vee, the color blue washes away the yellow or maybe mixes with it and that morphs into something completely new, a strange green, containing both happiness and horror but dulled and transformed into feelings that are nothing like the originals.
Frowning, I drag myself stiffly out of bed.
My dress is laying on the floor like a dark stain, and I pick it up, draping it over a chair. Phew! My sanity is returning. I see the discarded wrapper on the ground, and I breathe another sigh of relief. My God, I wasn’t even thinking about that last night. Thank God Jake was.
Grabbing my robe, I head to the bathroom.
Things feel swollen and a little uncomfortable down there, but not too bad, considering.
I close my eyes and lean against the sink for a moment, remembering Jake inside me, and a tingle runs from my toes to the top of my head.
A little more of a hue of yellow takes over, shading the strange green that seems to be painting my bones a bright lime color.
Quickly brushing my teeth and then dragging a comb through my hair, I take extra time to clean off last night’s makeup.
Staring at my bare face, I check to see if I look any different, now that I’m no longer a virgin.
I tilt my chin this way and that, thinking I look more worldly and maybe like I’m part of this world a little more than I’ve been.
My heart flips when I think about Jake sleeping in my bed right this minute.
Heading out of the bathroom, I float down the hall to the kitchen, starting Vee’s fancy coffee machine and the hot pot for my tea water.
When they are both ready, I load up a tray and head back to the bedroom.
Jake is awake and is standing next to the bed in his underwear.
He is staring at me with a look of horror, or is it revulsion?
I’m not sure which. Oh God, he remembers what I let happen to Vee.
It is my fault. My smile falters and the tray almost slips from my shaking hands. I quickly set it down on the bureau.
He spits out, “You were a virgin!” He snaps the top sheet, and I see the red streak on the bedding.
My hands fly up to my cheeks and I feel the rush of heat. The green within me that I thought was bad, disappears into black, an empty, hollow black. When you mix too many colors you kill all of them to become a dead black. I’m unable to formulate a response.
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
I stare at him numbly.
He whips the sheet back into place and comes toward me, “Why didn’t you tell me?”
I put up a hand, not sure if it is to ward off his anger or to touch the glass wall that is reemerging and encasing me.
Shaking my head, I expected Jake to be angry with me over Vee, but this is a shock.
Was I supposed to tell him that? Last night just happened so fast. I try to think when I could have squeezed it in.
We never talked about sex before. Vee knew I was a virgin, but I couldn’t imagine telling Jake something like that, at least not until now.
But these thoughts that are a torrent in my head get stuck in my throat. I continue to stare at him mutely.
“You should have said something,” he mutters,
When? When was the right time to bring it up? I’m getting angry as I consider the ridiculousness of his statement.
Just as I feel my voice returning and I’m ready to start asking questions of my own, Jake’s cell rings. He reaches down for his pants and finds his phone in the pocket.
“Hello, yes, this is Jake. Oh great, can we come visit her this morning? Okay, yep, we will. Thanks for calling.”
I look at him expectantly.
“We can go visit Vee at ten today,” He pauses. “Umm, if you want.”
I state hollowly, “Of course I want to. Your coffee is over there. I need to shower.”
Jake stiffens. Realizing it sounds harsh, like I need to wash away last night, I stammer, “That isn’t what I meant at all—”
“Yep, and I need to go home and get clothes and stuff,” he cuts in tonelessly. “Let’s meet at the hospital at ten, okay?”
I nod.
“Do you need directions?”
I shake my head, once again the words are stuck in my tight throat.
He pulls on his dress pants and shirt from last night and drapes his suit jacket and tie over his arm.
I watch him, fidgeting with the tie to my ratty robe, standing awkwardly.
The gulf between us widens, and I shrink back into the sliver of the world I normally occupy.
He turns to me and looks like he is going to say something, but turns on his heel and walks out of the room.
I hear the apartment door click shortly after, and I collapse onto the bed.
My jumbled thoughts flow like a mad river current.
Why was he mad I was a virgin? Perhaps I did it all wrong last night, and that’s why he’s angry.
Dammit. I really liked it. The fact that Jake hated it is a punch to my gut.
I can’t imagine it could get any better than what he did with hands and his mouth. But what do I know—I’m just a virgin.
Quickly, I correct myself: I was just a virgin.
My fingers trace a circle on the bedspread, and I relax into the softness.
I remember watching a monarch butterfly emerge from a cocoon at the Museum of Natural History one summer, and I thought that was a miracle.
Even Jake and his anger can’t take away the magic of last night.
After I shower, with my leggings and sweater back on, I feel a little more even-keeled.
The maroon dress draped limply over the chair doesn’t look magical but I hesitate to touch it.
A picture of Danny flashes through my mind and I taste the sourness of his kiss.
This dress cast some sort of crazy spell on people last night.
First, Danny, then Jake, after all this time, finally showing interest—only for it to be ruined when he saw me in the morning out of the bewitching dress.
Staring at the offending dress, I wonder if I should ever wear it again.
I quickly head out the door, and as I retrace our steps from last night, I replay the night in my head.
The ups and downs leave me dizzy. Is this really what I wished for?
In the magic of the dark, I thought my guardian angel was looking out for me and answering my prayers, but now, in the bright morning sun, it was just a cruel joke.
No angel was answer-ing my prayers, quite the opposite.
Fate is teaching me a lesson—to be careful what you wish for.
I wished for a life and a life doesn’t mean you get just the good things.
Life holds equal parts joy and sadness. No one gets the good without the bad.
Turns out having no life at all may be better than what happened.
Touching my finger to my lips, I wonder if that is true.
As I approach the hospital, I see Jake in the emergency room entrance.
The wool jacket stretches tight across his broad shoulders.
Staring, I remember raking my fingers across his back.
When I see his face, he looks pensive and a bit sad.
Remembering the anguish of this place last night, I approach cautiously.
“She’s been moved to the fifth floor,” he says blandly, “so we need to go around to the main entrance.”
We walk side by side but with a good bit of space between us. I feel a vibration thrum between us, and I have a new consciousness of his body despite the space. I shake my head, trying to dispel my fanciful imaginings.
Approaching the main visitor desk, Jake states in a hushed tone, “We’re here to visit Veronica Mason.”
The attendant consults a computer screen and responds crisply, “Only one visitor allowed at a time on the fifth floor.”
I look at Jake questioningly, and he tilts his head toward the sign on the wall. I scan it, 5th floor—Psychiatric Ward. A chill runs up my spine.
He seems to sense my nervousness. “I can go first and get the lay of the land and tell you about it when I get back. It won’t be like the movies, I’m sure.”
I haven’t seen any movies about such places, but I nod my head quickly.
Jake heads down the hall toward the elevator, and I sit in the large waiting room. A TV is on in the corner, and I watch it but nothing registers.
Jake returns, flushed, and doesn’t look me in the eye. “She seems good, and the place is pretty nice,” he reports. “She has her own room. No crazies hanging around that I can see.”
I shush him. “Don’t say that. That isn’t nice.”
Looking sheepish, he says, “She wants to see you.”
Vee is in room 525, sitting on her bed with a smile on her pale face. She starts in a rush, “Come in, come in. I’m so sorry I left you at the party.”
“What?” I can’t believe she’s apologizing to me. “No, that was fine. I’m so sorry you had to go home by yourself. I should have been there. I totally messed up.”