Chapter Fifteen
MY GAZE ISfixed on the ceiling. I stare blankly up at it, begging my eyes not to close again. My breathing grows faster with each inhale I take. Every night has been the same. I lay down to sleep hoping tonight won’t be like all the nights before it, but the second I try to close my eyes, the walls close in around me. It feels suffocating, as if the air itself is conspiring against me.
In an instant, I’m back in that closet, but Blake no longer holds me to keep me safe. He isn’t here to distract me. Vortex isn’t tucked safely under our bodies. She isn’t anywhere. Blake isn’t anywhere.
I am alone. I am scared. And I am trapped.
Forcing my eyes open, I take a shuttering breath that makes my chest heave. A tear slips free before I’ve noticed them pooling in my eyes. Without a second thought, I raise my hand to brush it away. The evidence gone as quickly as it appeared.
I don’t know how much more of this I can take before I go insane. I need help. I know I do. But knowing what you need and reaching out for it are two entirely separate things.
Blake’s offer pops into my mind like it does every night around this time. It would be so easy to give in. So easy to text him and let him make me feel better. But I don’t want to break the barrier I’ve placed so firmly between us. Our truce has been working better than I could have expected. I can’t ruin all of our hard work now. Not because I’m weak.
But it’s so tempting to give in.
It’s been three days since Blake wrote his phone number on a piece of paper and pushed it across my desk. And for three days, I have resisted the urge to text him.
But today is day four, and my resistance is wavering. I don’t want to text him. I don’t want to open the door of friendship back up. If I do, I’m not sure I’d be able - or willing to close it again.
But he’s right. He’s the only one who knows what I’m going through.
Riley left on Sunday night before I returned to work. The hole his absence left in my chest seems to grow each day that he’s gone. But he’s just a crutch I have been leaning on instead of facing my fears. The only comfort I have now is Vortex. She curled up on the bed bedside me, and I run my fingers through her soft fur as indecision wracks me.
Would it be so wrong to replace the crutch?
That thought is so tempting - too tempting.
If I text him, will I be able to hate him again when I see him in the office?
It is so easy to fall into step beside him. He makes it so easy to be his friend. But I don’t want to be friends with a man that’s still in love with his ex. Especially when that ex is my best friend. He’s too comfortable, and that terrifies me.
I don’t want to get hurt. But my walls seem to crumble when he fixes those blue eyes on me, and I hate it. I hate how easy it is to be around him. But what I hate the most is that I don’t hate it at all.
When my eyes shift unwillingly to my phone, I know the battle is lost.
Turning my head towards my nightstand, I spot the slip of paper sitting right where I left it on Monday when I got home from work. It’s been staring at me every night, begging me to pick it up, but this is the first time I reach out and grab it.
Taking a steadying breath, I stare at it for a long moment, willing myself to move.
Pushing past every reason I shouldn’t, I type his number into my phone. I take a deep breath, trying to find some courage before pressing send.
No going back now.
Anxiety twists my stomach until nausea creeps through me. Did I do the wrong thing? What if he doesn’t respond? What if-?
My thoughts cut short when my phone vibrates in my hand.
A sigh passes my lips as relief floods through me. The nausea vanishes, but remnants of anxiety ripple through me. He knew it was me without even asking. I know for a fact he didn’t have my personal number before now.
His reply is instant.
A chuckle slips from my lips. I’m the lucky one. Lucky he’s willing to help me even after I’ve been awful to him.
My next text immediately follows the last. Normally I wouldn’t double text, but I need to know if he already had my number.
There’s a pause, like he’s thinking of a suitable response, and he doesn’t disappoint.
Heat rushes to my cheeks, and a warmth spreads through me.
I can almost hear his laughter in the silence of my apartment. I can almost see the smirk I know is spreading across his face at this very moment.
The warmth in my chest doubles, mixing with a flutter in my stomach. The corner of my lip tilts in a smile.
Oh, boy.
I try to force the smile off my face while simultaneously pressing the butterflies inside me down. This is exactly what I was scared would happen. It’s too easy to fall right into his charisma. Even over text.
When I don’t respond, he texts again.
Apparently, he didn’t give it a second thought before double texting, like I did.
I don’t know what else to say. It’s hard to talk about this with anyone.
I’m still debating what else to say when my phone buzzes in my hand. For a split second, I think he’s texted again, but his name pops up on my screen. Nerves have my stomach doing a handspring.
My heart threatens to leap from my chest when I answer the phone. “Hi.”
“Hey.” His deep voice rumbles through me.
“Did I wake you?” I bite my lip, suddenly worried I’m inconveniencing him.
“Not at all. I always go to bed late.”
I let out a huff of breath, relieved.
“So, what are you doing?” He doesn’t ask how he can help. He just talks to me. How does he always know exactly what I need? He knows I don’t want to be pressed about how I feel. I just want to avoid it. Not the healthiest copying mechanism, but it’s all I have the strength for right now.
I shift lower under the covers, relaxing into this unconventional companionship we’ve created. Turning onto my side, I place the phone against my pillow so I don’t have to hold it. It’s something I used to do in high school with Abby when we’d stay up all hours of the night talking. “Laying in bed with Vortex.”
“Who’s Vortex?” There’s a hint of intrigue in his voice and I realize I never told him I kept the dog we rescued. I snap a picture of the sleeping corgi beside me and send it to him. A chuckle rumbles through the phone when he opens it. “Ah. Now everything makes sense. What an appropriate name.”
My mouth curves into a smile. “I thought so.”
“With a name like that, she’s going to be a handful.”
It’s my turn to laugh as I trail a hand down her back. Why does everyone keep saying that? “I can handle it.”
“I know you can.” He pauses before adding in a more serious tone. “You can handle anything life throws at you.”
There’s a finality to his words. I feel them all the way to my toes. I’m breathless when I respond. “You really believe that, don’t you?”
“Of course I do.”
Blake’s confidence in me shifts something inside me. How could a man who’s fought with me at every turn think so highly of me?
“You’re stronger than you know.” I hear him shift before he adds. “If you can turn me into a believer, you can do anything.”
I raise one eyebrow. “A believer in what?”
“In you.”
He says it with no other explanation. He doesn’t have to. His words swirl through me, embedding themselves deep in my chest.
“I’m glad you kept Vortex. She needs you.”
“I need her.” I don’t mean to say the words, but they slip unbidden from my lips. My words have a way of doing that when talking to Blake. He makes it so easy to forget my walls and just be myself. Except when he’s being an argumentative ass. But that man seems such a far cry from the one I’m on the phone with right now. “I really appreciate what you’re doing for me, Blake.”
“And what am I doing for you, Sunflower?” He sounds oblivious, but he knows exactly what I mean.
I push back, not allowing him to deflect from my gratitude. “Distracting me. Just like in the closet.”
A sigh leaves his lips. “I’ve always been a wonderful distraction. Just ask every girl I’ve ever dated.”
There are insecurities hiding under his words that I don’t miss. “Maybe you’ve just been dating the wrong girls.”
Shocked silence stretches between us. I don’t know where the words came from, but now that I’ve said them, I can’t take them back. But a part of me doesn’t want to take them back. I’m glad I said them.
“Maybe you’re right.” His admission astonishes me.
A huff of laughter escapes my lips. “That’s the second time you’ve admitted I’m right.”
“Don’t get used to it.” I can almost hear him shaking his head through the phone.
“I think I’ll let it go straight to my head.”
“Careful, don’t want your ego getting any bigger.” He retorts.
“Hey! Between the two of us, I think we both know who has the bigger ego.”
“Touche.” His voice is playful.
A faint smile lingers on my lips. I think this version of Blake might be my favorite. He’s letting me win our mock argument, and it sends another round of flutters through me.
“You should get some sleep.” I force myself to say the words even though I don’t want him to go. I don’t want to be an inconvenience.
“Yeah, I don’t think so.” Once again, he leaves no room for me to argue with him.
“Blake.” His name feels good on my lips. I go to argue, but he cuts me off.
“I’m not leaving you to let your fears swallow you whole the moment I end the call. Put me on speaker. We can talk until you fall asleep.”
His words settle the anxiety inside me. He’s not going anywhere.
My eyelids grow heavy and I yawn even as I speak. “Are you sure you don’t want me to let you go?”
“Sleep, Sunflower. I’ll be here if you need me.” His words soothe me. My only wish now is that I’d called him four days ago.
Darkness consumes me, knowing Blake is there if I need him. It’s like he’s holding me in the darkness of that closet all over again. Sleep comes easily for the first time in almost two weeks.
When my eyes open the next morning, the first thing I do is reach for my phone. I can’t help but wonder how late he let the phone call go. Once glance at the screen and a smile of pleasant surprise spreads across my face. It’s been hours and hours, but he’s still there. “Blake?”
I don’t consider that he could still be asleep and that I might wake him up.
“There you are.” His gruff morning voice travels through me, settling in places I never thought they would. It’s the type of sound I could imagine waking up to every morning.
“You’re still here?” My voice does little to hide my surprise.
“Of course I am. I said I’d be here.” He says it like there was no doubt in his mind that he’d stay with me on the phone the whole night.
Blinking, I stare at my phone in wide-eyed surprise. “You did that for me?”
“I’d do anything for you.”
Stunned silence freezes me in place. He means it. A flurry of emotions spread through me and I can’t differentiate one from the other.
Before I can utter a single syllable, he laughs. “I’ll let you get ready for work.”
The thought of seeing him this morning sends a wave of anxiety through me, both good and bad. I force myself to say something, because if I don’t, I’ll only embarrass myself further. “See you soon.”
“See you soon.” He repeats my words back to me, but they fill me with nervous anticipation.
For the first time in my life, I’m anxious about seeing Blake. But it’s not for the reasons it usually is. I actually want to see him. Confusion mixes with the anxiety buzzing in my chest, and I push myself out of bed. “Come on Vortex. You’re coming to work with me.”