Chapter 16
Benjamin tapped his fingers restlessly on the steering wheel of his Gremlin as he headed for Dad’s house. He was glad he’d gone to church this morning, and yet the comfort and peace he’d expected to feel still eluded him. He couldn’t explain it.
He’d watched his siblings walk through trial after trial—and not one of them had ever questioned God’s love. His own faith had never really been put to the test before, and he’d sometimes wondered if that was because God knew he’d fail. Which he seemed to be proving right now.
He tried to pray, but the only thing he could think was, It’s not fair, God, so he gave up on that.
Fortunately, Dad’s house was just ahead. He hadn’t been planning on coming today—he wanted to get to Summer and Max’s as soon as he could, since he hadn’t been able to convince Summer to come to church with him. But she’d said they would be at her Mama’s. And he had to work in a couple of hours.
He sighed. It was only two days ago that he’d promised he’d check on them every day. It felt like he was already failing them—and TJ.
He parked his car behind Simeon’s SUV in Dad’s long driveway. The air was heavy and oppressive as he walked toward the house, gray clouds hanging low and threatening to unleash a torrent.
But the moment he opened the door, the usual family chatter spilled out, and his heart lightened. This was what he needed.
He stepped inside and headed straight for the kitchen, where he knew everyone would be gathered. A spread of food covered the countertop, and his siblings were in various stages of filling their plates, tending their babies, and chatting.
“Let’s pray before y’all scatter to eat,” Dad called over the hullabaloo.
Benjamin folded his hands along with everyone else, ducking his head and hoping that this, at last, would give him peace.
“Gracious Father,” Dad began. “We ask for your comfort for all who mourn TJ’s death.”
A hand gripped Benjamin’s shoulder, and he knew it must be Asher, who had been standing right next to him.
“Let us rest in the promise of his victory in you, Lord,” Dad continued. “And let us remember that all of our days are in your hands. Lead us to use them to your glory. In Jesus’ name we ask it. Amen.”
Benjamin opened his eyes, and Asher patted his shoulder. “You doing okay, man?”
Benjamin nodded, the knot in his chest a little looser after Dad’s prayer.
“You know it’s fine if you need to take a few more days off of work.” Ireland shifted Caroline to her other hip. “John understands.”
Benjamin shook his head. He knew her brother, who owned The Depot, understood, and so did the rest of the staff, but if he was going to have the money to support Summer and Max, he needed to get back to work.
“I’m going in today,” he insisted.
Ireland nodded. “I told John you’d say that.”
The simple comment lifted Benjamin’s heart. He liked having a family who knew him so well.
“I heard this year’s Trail Classic is going to be run in TJ’s memory,” Asher said.
Benjamin nodded. TJ had been involved in trail running a lot longer than he had and even helped to get the race started.
“So we were thinking,” Asher added. “What if we all ran it together?”
Benjamin blinked at him. “Who all?”
Asher rolled his eyes. “We all. Your brothers.”
“I— Really?” Benjamin felt a lump form in his throat at the same time a smile pulled on his lips. He had been dreading the thought of running without TJ.
“You might have to carry some of us over the finish line,” Liam called from the table.
“Speak for yourself, old man,” Joseph joked back, filling his plate. “I, for one, intend to win the race.” He added a cupcake to his pile of food. “For energy.” He grinned.
“I can set up a training schedule,” Zeb offered.
“Make sure it doesn’t start at four a.m.,” Simeon retorted.
Benjamin shook his head as he moved to fill his own plate. This family. He only wished Summer could be here to experience their love. He hated the thought of her all alone, dealing with her mama.
“How’s Summer doing?” Ava asked as he pulled out a seat at the table next to her. She spooned a scoop of peas into Noah’s mouth, and the baby made a face, letting them dribble down his chin.
“Doing as well as she can be, I guess.” Benjamin used his napkin to wipe Noah’s face. “She’s worried she won’t get guardianship of Max.”
“Why wouldn’t she?” Abigail sat across from him, trying to keep Genevieve’s fingers out of her food. “She brings him into the bookstore all the time, and it’s clear they adore each other.”
“I know.” Benjamin’s chest tightened again at the unfairness of it all. “But apparently that’s not the only consideration. She has to prove that she can support him financially, and she just lost her job, and she doesn’t really have any savings, and—” He cut off, reluctant to expose TJ’s gambling. “And it’s not looking good,” he finished.
“Isn’t there anything else she can do?” Simeon asked. He and Abigail had faced their own uphill battle in adopting a child, and Benjamin was trying to hold on to their story as a sign of hope for Summer.
He shrugged. “If you know of any job openings . . .”
“The restaurant,” Ireland said instantly.
But Benjamin shook his head. “I offered that, but our hours won’t work for her. She needs to be home in the afternoons and evenings for Max. If I had more savings, I would give it to them, but it all went into my down payment on the house. I asked the lawyer if I could give them a monthly allowance or stipend or something, but he said we’d have to be married for that.”
“I can just see that proposal.” Joseph chuckled. “I know I’m dating someone else right now, but will you marry me?”
Everyone laughed, but Benjamin jumped in. “Jasmine and I aren’t seeing each other anymore.” He could at least clear that up.
Abigail’s eyes widened. “Because of this?”
Benjamin shook his head. “No. That happened before this. It just didn’t work out.”
Abigail studied him a moment longer, and Benjamin forced himself to dig into his food, though he didn’t taste a single bite.
A rattling clap of thunder followed by the onslaught of a downpour pulled everyone’s attention off of Benjamin, and he focused on wolfing down his food. Then he searched out Dad and asked for a private word.
“Of course.” Dad led him to the small home office that always smelled like coffee and books. Benjamin used to love sitting in here, pretending he was important, just like his father.
Dad leaned against the edge of his desk, and Benjamin shuffled from foot to foot, trying to figure out what to do with his hands. Finally, he shoved them in his pockets.
Dad didn’t say anything, and Benjamin knew that was to give him the space to start when he was ready. At last, he let out a breath and took the plunge. “I asked Summer to marry me.”
Dad’s expression remained neutral, and Benjamin wondered if that was from his years of parenting or his years of pastoring.
“You asked her to marry you,” he repeated.
Benjamin wasn’t sure if it was a question, but he nodded anyway.
“I assume this has to do with what Don said about the money.”
“Yes, but—”
“Benjamin.” Dad spoke slowly and deliberately, as if Benjamin were three years old. “Do you really think—”
“That I can convince her?” Benjamin shrugged. “I’m going to try.”
Dad shook his head. “That’s not what I was going to ask.”
“Yeah, but if I can convince her,” Benjamin rushed on, before Dad could make whatever objections he was going to make. “Will you marry us? Soon? The hearing will be scheduled in a few weeks, and I want to make sure there’s plenty of time to get my paperwork in, and for them to do whatever they need to do.”
“Benjamin.” Dad crossed his arms in front of him, his expression somber. “You’ve always been compassionate. It’s one of your gifts. But you’re also young and impulsive.”
Benjamin opened his mouth to argue that his age had nothing to do with it, but Dad pushed on. “You can’t marry Summer just so that she’ll get guardianship of Max. That isn’t fair to any of you.”
“Why not?” Benjamin felt his jaw tighten. It wouldn’t matter if he was twenty-three or forty-three or sixty-three. He’d still want to help Summer.
“Do you love her? Does she love you?”
“Do you think I would be willing to do this if I didn’t love her?” He ignored the second part of the question. It didn’t matter if Summer loved him. What mattered was that this was how he could take care of her and Max.
“I think,” Dad said slowly, “that guilt can be a powerful but misguided motivator.”
“I’m not doing this because of guilt.” But the words burned against Benjamin’s throat, and the ache that he hadn’t been there for TJ hit him again. “Anyway, is that a yes or a no? Will you marry us?”
Dad let out a weighted breath. “I don’t know,” he finally said.
“Is it wrong?” Benjamin asked defiantly. “People in the Bible got married for all kinds of reasons, you know. It wasn’t just love. Marriages were arranged by families without the couple ever meeting. Or they were to form family alliances or political alliances or—”
Dad held up a hand to halt him. “I’m not saying it’s necessarily wrong, but I also don’t think it’s necessarily wise. Marriage isn’t only a promise to each other. It’s a promise to God.”
“I know that. And it’s not a promise I would break.”
“I know you think that now.” Dad’s voice was overly gentle, and Benjamin couldn’t help thinking of all the times his father had pulled him onto his knee and explained that he couldn’t do all the things his brothers did because he wasn’t big enough yet. “But suddenly becoming a husband and a father. That would be a lot for anyone.”
“So you won’t do it.” Benjamin strode to the window and stared out at the rain.
“Not right this minute, no. Maybe in a few months. After we have time to go through some premarital counseling. You might want to go on a date or two as well, make sure she even likes you.” A teasing note crept through Dad’s voice, but Benjamin was not amused.
“We don’t have that much time.” His frustration bled through the words. He turned to Dad in desperation. “I don’t know what else to do.”
“You do know,” Dad said gently. “Trust it to the Lord.”
Benjamin let out a long, slow breath. “That’s hard.”
Dad chuckled a little. “It sure is. But he knows what he’s doing.”
“I know.” But the words felt hollow. Benjamin had never doubted that God had a plan before. But right now . . . “I should get to work,” he mumbled.
He started toward the door, but Dad intercepted him with a hug. “I’m praying for all of you. And I’m here anytime you want to talk.”
Benjamin nodded, then headed for the door.