Chapter One – Ensley
Ensley
Present Day
I sat in the rocking chair of Nellie’s nursery as she drank from a bottle of breast milk that Lilibeth had given me.
It was so much quieter in the nursery. Everyone was at my brother Caden’s house to celebrate his wedding to Lilibeth.
They’d decided not to go on a honeymoon since Nellie, their newborn daughter, was only a couple months old. She’d been born at the end of August.
“What do you think about all of this, Nellie?”
She looked up at me with her bright blue eyes.
She’d been named after my great-grandmother, Nellie Wilde.
It was a beautiful name; one I’d hoped to use if I had a little girl.
Of course, Caden had beaten me to the punch.
To be fair, I never told anyone I wanted to use that name, so I wasn’t mad about it. Sad, but not angry.
I stared down at Nellie and fought back tears.
My tiny niece was a reminder of how far I was from my dreams of a family of my own.
When my younger sister Emeline married last winter, I was so happy for her…
yet also jealous. Then she and Caden had both announced they were having babies in August, and it threw me into a serious depression that I’d been trying to fight off ever since.
I hadn’t felt this sad in a very long time.
Not since the day Colt left me. Left everyone after Grady’s death.
Rocking Nellie, I couldn’t help but wonder if I’d already missed my chance for my own happily ever after. Yes, I was only thirty and still had time, but would I ever meet someone I wanted to settle down with? Or had that dream vanished when Colt left?
I closed my eyes, and an image of Colt Owens popped into my mind. I quickly shook it away, but not before a tear slipped free and moved down my cheek.
Damn you, Colt. Damn you for making me cry all these years later.
Smiling at Nellie, I said, “I hope someday you meet someone like your daddy, Nellie. Someone who will love and cherish you.”
“I don’t think we have to worry about that just yet.”
I reached up and quickly wiped my tears away as Lilibeth walked over and sat down on the floor in front of me.
She reached up and placed a hand on my knee. “Are you okay, Ensley?”
Normally, I would plaster on a smile and say I was perfectly fine, but today I was far from feeling okay. So, I told her the truth.
“Not really.”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
I let out a long, heavy breath, wishing it would expel the sadness that felt like it was taking over my body. “I’m trying so hard not to be jealous of you and Emeline, I really am. But I’m struggling.”
Her face fell, and for a moment, I wished I hadn’t said anything. Still, in a strange way…it felt good to have admitted it.
“Oh, Ensley, I’m so sorry. You’re going to find love, I know you are!”
I let out a humorless laugh, then sniffled. “I had it once, Lilibeth. Do you remember I told you about Grady Owens?”
She nodded. “He was your best friend who…who died. Was he the love of your life?”
I sighed. “No, he wasn’t. We really were just best friends.
I dated his brother, Colt, for a couple years.
He was so heartbroken after Grady died, as was everyone.
He withdrew into himself, and that left me feeling even lonelier.
I had my family, of course, and Colt’s parents, whom I’m still very close to.
” I smiled slightly. “It was Jacob, Colt’s father, who got me interested in being a farrier.
I trained under him before I set off on my own. ”
“Oh wow. Is he still a farrier?”
I nodded. “He is, but he’s been slowing down.
Both Colt and Grady had been taught by their dad, too, and they were both going to take over the business one day.
Although that wasn’t what Grady wanted. He always talked about wanting to travel the world and see things.
He wanted to be a pilot. He’d taken flying lessons and loved it.
I’m not sure if anyone else knew that was his ultimate goal.
He might have told Colt, I’m not sure. I think he was scared to tell his father.
They didn’t even know he knew how to fly a plane. ”
“That’s sad he didn’t share that with anyone else.”
I nodded as my chest held that familiar ache.
“Anyway, turns out neither of them stayed to help their father. The day after Grady’s celebration of life, Colt left River Falls.
He was supposed to meet me the next morning, and we were going to spend the day together.
He never showed up. I was so worried because he wasn’t answering his phone or replying to text messages.
I don’t even have to tell you where my mind went.
I panicked, went to his parents’ house to look for him, and found Lynn crying on the front porch.
I nearly fell to my knees as one terrible thought after another ran through my mind. ”
Lilibeth put a hand to her mouth.
“He’d packed up his things and left in the middle of the night. Left a note for his mother and father, telling them he couldn’t be in River Falls another minute. The guilt over his brother’s death was too much to bear. So he left.”
“He didn’t even tell you? Say goodbye?”
I shook my head. “I think I knew it was coming, though. The way he’d hugged me and told me he loved me the day before had been…
off. I think even then, I knew he wasn’t going to meet me the next morning.
But for him to leave without so much as a goodbye, I can’t even begin to tell you how hurt I was. ”
“Did he leave you a note?”
Nodding, I softly said, “He did. It said that he was sorry, and for me to never forget the promise I made to him.”
“Promise?”
“That I would remember he’d never stop loving me.”
Lilibeth wore a pained expression. “Have you heard from him at all?”
I shook my head. “Nothing. He often writes to and calls his parents. I asked about him constantly in the early days, and Lynn would tell me what he was doing and where he was. For a few years, he traveled around the world, and I think he did so because that was what Grady hoped to do. It was so painful to hear from Lynn that he was in Italy or Scotland. So…I stopped asking, and they stopped talking about him in front of me. It kind of became this unspoken rule between the three of us. I never mention him anymore, and neither do they.”
“He’s never been back to River Falls?”
“Nope. Not that I know of, at any rate. I try to visit Lynn and Jacob every couple of weeks. I adore them, and they’re like second parents to me, but they know their son hurt me deeply. I don’t know where he is now. or if he’s married or even has kids. And I actually don’t want to know.”
Lilibeth wore that look of pity on her face that I couldn’t stand. The same look everyone else gave me for the longest time after Colt left.
“I hate that he did that to you.”
I laughed softly. “So do I. And I hate him with every ounce of my being. I’d lost my very best friend only days before I lost the love of my life.”
Lilibeth ran her hand softly down Nellie’s back. She looked up at me and asked, “Is that why you haven’t dated seriously?”
“No,” I replied, blinking back more tears.
“Maybe. Hell, let me be honest with you and myself. Yes—Colt is the reason I haven’t dated anyone seriously.
Because I haven’t met anyone I don’t constantly compare to him.
I thought maybe I’d met someone a couple of years ago who could finally make me forget about Colt.
He’s a firefighter here in River Falls. We dated for a few months, and he wanted more…
but I got spooked. I know I gave Caden hell for not moving on from Rachel, when here I am stuck in the past myself.
I can’t seem to let him go. Or my heart can’t, at any rate. ”
“This firefighter…could you not see yourself with him?”
I swallowed the lump in my throat. “I could. That was what scared me. It was the first time since Colt left that I could see a possible future with another man. I don’t know how to explain it, but it felt like I was cheating on him.
In the back of my mind, I kept thinking, what if he comes home and I’m dating someone?
” A humorless laugh slipped free before I said, “It’s so stupid, and I know this doesn’t sound like me at all.
I wish my heart could forget him, Lilibeth.
I really do. He couldn’t possibly have loved me as much as I loved him.
If he did, how could he have left me like that?
All I have left besides a broken heart is just a stupid note telling me not to forget. ”
Lilibeth stood, took Nellie, who was asleep, and set her in her crib. Then she sat back down on the floor.
“Just because someone leaves doesn’t mean you stop loving them.”
Wiping away a tear, I nodded. “For the first few years, I waited for Colt to come back home. I told myself he was hurt and grieving, and it had nothing to do with me. I would have taken him back without a second thought. Then the anger came, and I swore if I ever saw him again, I’d kill him.
Then, finally, reality hit. Colt wasn’t coming back.
That had to mean he never really loved me.
So I tried to move on with Doug, and that didn’t work so great. ”
“Is Doug dating anyone now?”
The thought of Doug dating someone else didn’t bother me in the least. “I think so. At least he was a few months back when I ran into him at the Honky Tonk. He was with someone he’d met in Estes Park. I think she lives there. He told me that he was thinking of moving.”
“Then he wasn’t the one,” Lilibeth said. “Don’t give up hope, Ensley. You’re so young and so beautiful. Any man would be lucky to have your heart.”