Chapter Twenty #2
If she says no, I have to figure out a way to put a lid on these emotions and desires while working alongside her every single day.
Something I've managed since that incident in the main house when she first arrived, but it'll be a lot harder now that I know her. Now that I know what she tastes like.
And if she says yes… Christ, I want her to say yes. I'd get to touch her, taste her. Learn every sound she makes as I work my way around every curve of her body. Finally satisfy this hunger that's been consuming me.
But I'd also have to keep yet another secret. And I'm so tired of secrets.
The difference is, when she goes back home—back to England—I can bury this secret deep like the other one. Let the distance do the hard work for me. Let her become another thing I don’t talk about.
I can do that, if it means having a small reprieve from the man I have become. The one I don’t necessarily like.
I get dressed in a hurry, needing something to do to keep my mind off all this. Grabbing my coffee, I rush out the door and head to the far pasture where I know there is some good old-fashioned hard labour waiting.
Throwing myself into work has been a coping mechanism that hasn’t failed me thus far.
Until this morning.
Usually when I am out on the ranch, sun beating down on me, working to keep this place running smoothly—that’s when the nagging voice in my head goes quiet.
When I can just do instead of think. And given the amount of shit I’ve needed to not think about over the years, Meadow Bell Ranch is the best-kept ranch for miles.
Pops would be proud of that, at least.
The little haven he created for our family.
His legacy, built to last through generations of Carters, is thriving.
Both of my parent poured every last bit of money and love into it, to ensure our family had roots here in Wildbrook Hollow.
And I am proud to see the ranch grow every day, even to the point where we probably need to review our staffing and resources. Another thing I can focus on, perfect.
But despite all that, I know he would give me an earful for how I’ve handled everything else in my life. Can almost hear him now. “Best-kept ranch, loneliest ranch. That the legacy you want?”
He would have frickin’ loved Maeve. Can't help but grin at the thought as I head back toward the centre of the ranch.
The two of them would've teamed up on me in a heartbeat— would have been a nightmare for me.
Her alone was enough that day fixing fences, with all those questions about Colt and me.
Hitting too close to the mark for something I wanted to bury.
But her doing so sparked the doubts in my head.
Gnawing at me that I’ve truly turned this whole situation into a fucked-up mess.
That boy needed a parent, and sure, I’m here—but not really.
He’s never had what I had with Pops. Little good memories about us bonding.
Someone to lean on or hang out with after a long day on the ranch.
The little teasing moments when I went through puberty and started to like girls.
All these core moments, I have not shared them with Colt. And it’s now starting to eat at me.
Growing up, I swore I'd be the kind of father Pops was. Didn't matter that Colt wasn't mine by blood—I knew I'd love that boy with everything I had. Show up. Be there. And look at me now. Doing the exact opposite.
Don't know what to do about it. Can't just flip a switch and undo twenty years of keeping him at arm's length. And this thing with Maeve only makes it more complicated.
She's the one person on this ranch Colt actually talks to. If he finds out about us, any chance I have of fixing things with him is gone. So here I am, stuck wanting two things that can't exist together.
The logical side of me knows keeping Maeve a secret is stupid. But I've kept a pretty big secret for decades now. How hard could it be to keep one more? I don’t really know, but what I do know is the alternative means going back to just surviving instead of living.
And I'm done with that.
When I reach the heart of the ranch, hands are busy with their work. Some are mucking stalls in the barn, others bringing stock in from the south pasture, a few checking fence lines, one working the forge. I wander through like I'm just checking in on everyone.
Really though, I'm looking for Maeve. Hoping she has an answer for me, but she's nowhere.
Instead, I crash right into the one person I didn’t want to see, Colt. Paperwork flying everywhere from his hands, making the moment more dramatic than what it had to be.
I immediately apologise. My fault for having my eyes everywhere else but the direction I was going. Now we are on the main house porch, papers covering the rustic patio decking. I crouch to gather the paperwork. Colt joins me.
“It’s all good, I shoulda been looking up instead of reading while walking” Colt responds.
I grunt, naturally.