Chapter 69
CHAPTER SIXTY-NINE
VALERIAN
I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. This bitter man, that’s not me. That’s never been me, but with my hope smashed, I feel lost. Not even my mother’s disappearance has hit me this hard, which is shameful. Fucking embarrassing.
Rosie has broken me. I’m in love with her. Not sure I can survive without her. I can’t breathe. There is no air left in the world.
The world blurs by as we run through fields and meadows, groves and patches of forest, but with every mile I put between us, the sicker I feel.
So I stop and let the shift come over me. The wind blows, buffeting me as I shed my fur, and I feel heavier than a rock, and just as dead inside.
“Valen!” Darian barks, shifting, too. “What are you doing?”
The words come out before I know I’ll say them. “I’m going back.”
Konstam turns and lopes back to us. He shifts the moment he’s in front of me. “Say what? No.”
I shake myself. “I have to go back, Kon.”
“Don’t. She made her choice, remember?”
“She isn’t safe,” I say and swallow past the collar around my neck. Her collar. “That man is hurting her. He could kill her. I wouldn’t put it past him.”
Darian growls. “You can’t save everyone, Valen.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“You thought you could go out there and save your mother, but she’s dead. Has been dead for a long time. Everyone said so, but you didn’t believe them.”
I snarl at him. “So this is about me now?”
“Isn’t it? This girl is in a bad marriage. You tried to save her, tried to convince her to run away with you, but she refused. That’s on her, Valen. She is an adult and has made her decision. That bothers you, because you went and fell in love with her.”
“She is my mate,” I growl.
Kon and Darian exchange looks. “So you keep saying. Wouldn’t she feel it if that were the case?”
“Maybe she doesn’t know what it feels like to—”
“That’s the greatest fucking bullshit I’ve ever heard,” Darian says. “She’s not an idiot.”
“Of course not,” I hiss, “and be careful what else you say about her.”
He shakes his head. “Hells, Valen. Even if she doesn’t feel the mating bond, if that’s what it is, if she loved you, wouldn’t she have come with you?”
“Fuck,” I breathe.
“Yeah. I know, it’s unpleasant.”
I smash my fist into a tree trunk. Then again. And again.
“Hey, hey.” Konstam grabs my arm and yanks me backward. “Stop. You idiot, stop.”
“She loves me,” I say.
“Has she ever said so?”
I shake my head.
“There you go,” Darian says. “There’s your answer.”
I shove him away. “She doesn’t have to say it, you moron. She has shown it with actions.”
“Like refusing to run away with you?”
“Next thing my fist hits,” I inform him, “will be your fucking head.”
“Let’s all calm down.” Konstam lifts his hands. “Valen—”
“You calm down.” I start walking. “I’m going back.”
“And what will you do?” he calls out after me. “Kidnap her?”
“Shut your mouth,” I grouse. “I’d never take her against her will.”
Darian runs to catch up with me. “So you’ll stay there while she’s married to that asshole of a human lord, and spend the next months and years trying to talk her into leaving him?”
I halt and roar my anguish into the night. “Stop talking!”
“You don’t want to hear the truth. It smarts.”
“You don’t understand.” I’m panting. I rub at my chest because it fucking hurts. “She’s in danger. I… I can feel it.”
Again that exchange of looks between them as Konstam reaches us.
“You mean, feel it, like, really feel it?” Darian inquires, a brow raised. “As in mating bond feel it?”
“In my chest and in my head,” I breathe. “Is there any other way?”
“Well,” Kon says eventually, “fuck.”
“Not only do we save your lily-white ass every time,” Darian grumbles, “now we have to worry about your bondmate?”
“Shut up, Dar,” Konstam says. “You only wish you had such a pretty bondmate yourself, you grumpy wolf. Come on, gentlemen. Valen is right. Let’s head back.”
While in wolf form, we don’t speak, but as we lope through the woods and brushland, we don’t need words. My friends have my back, and that safety net lets me focus on finding her.
She’s afraid, she’s running. My chest feels too tight. My head is pounding. She’s afraid for her life.
We may be too late.
I should never have left her there with that brute who bruised her body and her spirit. But taking her away by force would have lowered me to his level, so the only thing I can do is be close by, in case she needs me.
In case I can save her.
In case she lets me.
We’ve run far, and regret bites me in the ass. I should have followed my gut. Should have stayed. Anger and disappointment pushed me away. I’d thought myself better than this.
My mother raised me in the ways of Cassia, the Goddess of the Blue Star, asleep now in the void with the other Gods, but sending dreams to her believers and leaving behind a code of life.
Patience. Calm. Readiness. Openness.
Open your mind, my mother would say, open your heart, Valen.
Chance is a game, and only those who listen can hear the clues.
Only those who observe will see the signs.
Be ready to grab the bird flying by, the bee buzzing around you, or the person running past you.
Grab them with both hands if you feel they were meant for you, that they are part of your path.
And my path led me to Rosie, right to her. The sign was as good as a blow over the head, and still, I left.
Kon growls at me, a reminder to get out of my head and keep running.
Darian headbutts my ass.
They are right. We’ll find her. There is no other option for me. She’s my life, and I need her.