Chapter 5
CHAPTER
FIVE
ASPEN
The party is raging on out in the clubhouse, but I can’t bring myself to go out and have a good time. I know I would be safe. Panther is out there with Maggie. Rain is probably here somewhere too. Kim and Lisa also told me they were coming, but I am not ready for that yet.
The sound of the music mixed with the bass thumping against the walls brings back memories I can’t deal with right now.
So instead, I sit in my room with a borrowed book as I try to focus. I never was much of a reader, but if I take it slow, I can focus on the story.
I’m on chapter five when something crashes in the clubhouse. My stomach sours.
You’re safe. It was probably an accident.
My mind doesn’t settle, though, so I pull myself from the bed.
One peek and it will calm my nerves.
I sneak down the hall into the main area. Many of the guys are drinking as the music blares, but there is a wide circle around the two men in the middle.
Ridge stands there, chest against Caterpillar, one of the men that I was introduced to but didn’t like much. He is too cocky for his own good. It’s going to cause him trouble one of these days, and it looks like today might be that day.
Ridge throws a punch, the sound echoing in my head even though I know it isn’t possible over the music.
My mind isn’t in the present anymore, though. No, it’s thrown into the past.
The crowd parts, and there he stands. Asher. The only man in this whole club who has shown me any kind of compassion.
I want to throw up. I have been watching Monster fight. With the drugs in his system, he is practically unbeatable. The way he is looking at Asher now, he is going to murder him.
“Our prospect wants to step up? Well, let’s see what you have then. Monster, show him what it means to be a Ragged Anarchy.”
Monster laughs maniacally as he stares at me. His pupils are blown wide.
“Gladly.”
I watch as Asher steps to the center of the ring. I want to yell at him. Tell him to run while he can. Monster might kill him. Asher once told me that he couldn’t do more for me because he isn’t a full member. It means he has limits, but it also means that Monster can kill him without consequence.
Asher has been the one bright light in the middle of this hell. I don’t know if I can survive without him.
I need him to win this.
The crowd of men is going wild, but all I can do is focus on the two men circling each other.
Monster makes the first step, jumping forward to throw a jab. My breath catches in my throat when it barely misses Asher. Asher is quicker than I expected, though. He might not have cocaine in his system making him feel invincible, but it is clear he knows how to fight.
When Monster goes to throw another punch, Asher lands one on his left side.
Monster grunts but jumps back as if he were never hit. That’s the drugs numbing the pain. It makes Asher’s job that much harder.
Asher doesn’t let it faze him, though. He ducks Monster’s next punch, throwing another jab at his left side.
It makes me wonder if he knows something I don’t. Why is he targeting that side? He needs to land one good one to his head to knock him out and end this as quickly as possible.
Asher doesn’t listen to my screaming thoughts, though. Instead, he keeps his pace. It makes me wonder if he was a boxer at some point. He is doing a good job of managing Monster while getting some hits in.
Monster begins to get frustrated. He thought he would have taken care of Asher by this point. He doesn’t like being made a fool. I earned myself a black eye the day I learned that lesson.
Belittle the man, and he gets angry.
I can see Asher’s mouth move, but I can’t hear what he says. Whatever it is, it has Monster vibrating with anger. I can see the way his movements become jerky when he lunges for Asher. Only Asher wasn’t quick enough this time. Monster lands a punch, pushing Asher back.
Thankfully, Asher stays on his feet.
I am on the edge of my seat as I watch the fight more intently than I did any of the others.
“You like the prospect? Or are you hoping Monster wins? I bet that greedy pussy would take them both,” Adlet grunts at me.
I want to throw up. I don’t want to even consider Adlet letting them run a train on me. I know he would, though. If I give him one inkling that it would ruin me, he would order it right now.
So I steel myself against the raging emotions inside and give him an indifferent look.
“This is the most exciting fight of the night. I thought your men would put up more of a fight, but it looks like the prospect is the only one with some skills.”
I feel the sting on the side of my head from his open-handed slap. My ears ring as my eyes sting with tears.
“Finish this, Monster,” he calls out.
The guilt hits me. I painted a target on Asher’s back to save my own.
I only hope one day he will be able to forgive me.
“Come back to me, Aspen, my little songbird. Sing to me, please. Yell at me. Scratch me. Whatever you need, but come back to the present.”
My eyes flutter at his words. I look around and realize we are back in my room.
My senses no longer smell the coppery tinge of blood mixed with body odor.
Instead, I can smell the lavender I diffuse in my room, and feel his forehead against mine while his hands cup my face, caressing my skin.
The deep tone of his voice helps center me, anchoring me to the real world instead of the nightmare of the past.
“There you are,” he says as he meets my eyes.
I don’t answer him. I kiss him without a second thought. He kisses me back, keeping it innocent enough. I pull back, the guilt weighing on me as I see the scar at his temple. The one I caused. I jump out of bed and he follows.
“What’s wrong?” he asks, frowning.
“I can’t,” I whisper, pushing him out the door before slamming it shut.
The guilt threatens to consume me as he pounds on the door, calling my name.
I remember Kim’s words.
Make amends and move on.
I fling the door open.
ASHER
“Aspen, please don’t shut me out right now. I need to make sure you are okay. I can’t live with knowing that you could be in there suffering alone. Please.”
She doesn’t respond, of course. I let my forehead rest against the door.
“I’m not leaving until I know you are going to be okay. I will sit here all night if I have to,” I promise her.
“The hell you will. You need to back away right the fuck now. I will not hesitate to put a bullet in your brain.”
I turn to find Eagle at the end of the hall, glaring at me.
I don’t know what his deal is with me, but I don’t care. I won’t leave her, not like this.
“You don’t know what she is going through right now. She needs me,” I tell him.
“It looks like she needs some goddamn space,” he growls at me.
I go to speak, but the door opens, drawing my attention to it.
I soften, whispering her name. “Aspen.”
The next thing I know, her body crashes into mine. I wrap my arms around her, holding her tightly as she sobs against me.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” she whispers.
“It’s okay. I don’t need that. I need you to be okay,” I whisper to her.
I glance up and find Eagle standing there in shock. He had been walking my way when he paused.
He clears his throat, drawing Aspen’s attention.
She pulls away from me, making me want to punch Eagle in the face. I watch as she wipes her eyes quickly before turning toward him. I find a little peace when she leans against my chest at her back.
“Are you okay?” he asks softly.
She nods. “I will be.”
I hate seeing the openness she had just displayed disappear before my eyes. I can see her rebuilding those walls to keep the world out. For that alone, I want to murder Eagle.
I had seen progress, and he ruined it by sticking his nose where it does not belong.
“Is he bothering you? I can make him leave,” he tells her.
I appreciate his protectiveness of her, but she’s not his to protect. He wasn’t there with us. He didn’t see what I saw. Didn’t have to do what I did to keep her safe. He doesn’t get to step in now and take my place. I refuse to allow it.
Thankfully, she doesn’t buy into his shit.
“I love you, Sam. You know that, but I can handle myself. I don’t need you to step in every time things are a little messed up with me. Please stop blaming Asher for it too. He is at the mercy of my moods as much as you are.”
“Aspen…” he starts.
“I’m fine. I won’t be the same Aspen you knew. I need to figure out who I am now. I’d appreciate it if you give me a chance to do that.”
“Okay,” he whispers.
“I’ll see you tomorrow?” she asks me as she looks over her shoulder at me.
I stare into her eyes, trying to decipher if she really is okay. Finally, I sigh and nod before pressing a kiss to her temple.
“Sleep well.”
She gives me a tight smile before slipping back into her room, the door clicking shut.
I wait a beat before I head down the hall, stopping before I pass Eagle.
“Try to put yourself in her shoes. She went through literal hell. That scene out there? That happened daily where she was kept. Fighting, blood, threats. All of it. I did everything in my power to keep her from it, but as you keep reminding me, a prospect can only do so much.”
He swallows hard. “Did they rape her? She never would say.”
My mind flashes back to that night. The one where I fought Monster for the right to fuck her.
My heart aches in my chest.
“If she wants you to know, she will tell you.”
I start to walk away, but he stops me.
“If you hurt her, I will kill you.”
I snort. “Funny you think you’d beat me to the punch.”
I leave him standing there as I head into the bar. Ridge is sitting at the bar, looking torn up.
I slide up next to him, tapping the bar for a drink. One of the club girls delivers one as we sit there sipping our beer.
“Is she okay?” he asks.
“I don’t know.”
It’s the truth. I don’t know if she is okay or if she will ever be okay.
She won’t talk about anything she went through.
It’s not healthy for her to bottle it all up inside.
I know she is in therapy, but I don’t know if she is even opening up there.
If anything, I feel like she is getting worse.
Whatever is eating at her is slowly killing her from the inside.
I had a glimpse of the girl she could be if she allowed herself to process the feelings inside of her for a second in that hallway. Then it was gone in a flash.
Guilt rides me hard for my hand in the entire situation.
I should’ve tried harder to get her out that first night or any night after that. I never should have allowed it to get as far as it did. I thought I was doing the right thing. Trying to take down one of the worst MCs in the area.
I should have said no and blown my cover earlier. Then things wouldn’t have gotten so out of hand. I might be dead, but if there was even a chance that she would have been free sooner? Even a slight possibility that I could have saved her a sliver of pain?
I should have done it, but I didn’t. Now all I can do is spend the rest of my life trying to make hers better.
I sigh, chugging my beer.
“I’m going back to the gate. Call me if you need me.”
With that, I leave him, heading back to where Yak waits.
At least I know with Yak I will have a distraction. I have never wanted to hear that man talk more than I do tonight.
Anything to get me out of my head.