Chapter 20 #2
I nod. “I was in a medically induced coma for a few weeks. I don’t remember being flown out of Afghanistan at all, and I barely remember the first month or two in Germany.”
“How much time went by before you actually notified us that you were injured?” Dom asks.
“I begged my superiors not to tell you. I knew the fact that half the squad died would make headlines, but didn’t think they’d give specifics about which battalion we were from. I figured it was better you thought I was on a mission than at death’s door.”
“Typical fucking Leo,” Alex says angrily. “Assuming no one else can handle things. And then once you were back stateside? How many surgeries did you have where we were clueless?”
“Gianna knew about most of them,” I admit, watching her mouth drop open in shock. “When it was supposed to be a simple procedure, I didn’t tell anyone. Why stress everyone out when all I was having was an outpatient procedure to remove another piece of shrapnel?”
“Stressing everyone out is what family is for, Leo,” Luca spits out. “You’re not supposed to handle all of this shit by yourself. You’d be furious if we did this to you.”
“So when did you start feeling like you wanted to kill yourself?” Arianna asks.
I look down at my hands, still held tightly in Gianna’s.
She squeezes them reassuringly. “I’d been back in the States less than a year.
The Army discharged me. I didn’t know who I was without the Army, and without Ella.
I’d figured she’d probably moved on, but I didn’t have the balls to ask any of you about her.
I didn’t have the balls to admit how much I was struggling, how much guilt I had over losing all of my guys.
Figured it was better if I just disappeared. ”
“Did you think we wouldn’t support you if you admitted all of that?
” Dom asks, and I nod. “I hate that you felt that way, Leo. I can’t even imagine how you must have struggled for so long to get to that point.
But I want you to hear every word that I say right now: I, for one, will never think less of you for admitting you’re struggling or in pain.
I’m always here for you. I know you would have dropped everything to help me had I needed it, so you need to know I’d do the same for you. I love you, man.”
Each one of my siblings expresses how much they love me, making my eyes fill with tears again. I’m so drained, but also feeling lighter than I have in years because I’ve finally gotten all of this off my chest.
“This was a crucial part of your progress, Leo,” Josh states clearly.
“While it may not have come under ideal circumstances, it’s still imperative in helping you find peace in the events from your last deployment.
We still have work to do, but I’m proud of you for admitting these thoughts to your family. ”
I nod. “Not that it helps much with Ella.”
“Let me ask a few questions,” he says. “If she is pregnant, and it’s yours, are you happy?”
“Yes,” I answer immediately. “Fuck, yes.”
“And if she isn’t pregnant?”
I think for a moment. “As long as I know she hasn’t slept with someone else, then yes, I’m fine with that too.”
“What if she’s pregnant, and it’s not yours?” Josh asks.
“I have a lot of questions. If it’s not mine, but it’s from before we slept together the first time, then I don’t really have any right to be upset.
But if she’s slept with someone after we were together …
” I trail off. “Well, I’m not sure I have a right to be upset with that either.
We never discussed our situation. I just assumed we were exclusive, but we never talked about it. ”
“Ella has never been the kind of person who would sleep around,” Gianna says. “At least not the Ella I knew, and I don’t feel that’s changed. I truly don’t think she’d do that to you, Leo.”
“It sounds like you want to be with Ella, no matter what,” Josh comments. “Do you think she wants to be with you?”
“I hope so,” I answer hesitantly. “I could tell something was off with her. She’s been different for a few weeks. If she’s known this whole time, why hasn’t she told me? Even if it’s not mine, I’m struggling with feeling like she’s hiding it from me. Does she think I won’t want her anymore?”
“It’s possible,” Josh replies. “We can’t be for sure on why Ella has acted the way she has without speaking to her about it. Are you ready to hear her answer, no matter what it is?”
“I guess I have to be,” I answer honestly, scrubbing a hand over my face. I’m so fucking tired.
“What can we do to help?” Alex asks quietly.
“I don’t know,” I reply. Rubbing my eyes, I try to focus my attention on my family, but I can feel the pain of a migraine coming on. I don’t get as many migraines today as I did a few years ago, but the aura in my vision tells me this one is going to be a doozy.
“Do you need your meds?” Gianna whispers, and I nod. My twin knows when I’m truly in pain, which is why I’ve avoided her quite a bit when my leg has really been bothering me. She probably knows it then too, but allows me to maintain a tiny bit of my male dignity by not calling me out on it.
One by one, my siblings head out, until it’s only me, Gianna, and Josh. Gianna excuses herself to give me time to speak with Josh privately, and the awkward silence that follows is concerning.
Finally, Josh speaks. “I like to think that I’m fairly prepared for almost every scenario that my clients may bring my way. But I have to be honest, Leo. This is a new one.”
“I’m the first guy you’ve worked with who finds out the love of his life might be pregnant by another man? That can’t be right. That shit happens all the time in the Army,” I say bitterly.
“Not in your exact situation, and it certainly hasn’t involved a panic attack where a client confessed to having suicidal thoughts.
” Josh’s gaze is unwavering as he patiently waits for my response.
In any other situation, I’d be able to out-patience a person, but I already know this man has more patience than me.
And considering I’m paying him by the hour, I’d rather not waste my money.
“I guess the panic attack brought back some similar feelings, and my thoughts went right back to that day when Gia called me. I hadn’t even intended to answer the phone, but wanted to hear her voice one more time,” I admit.
“In typical Gianna fashion, she knew I was in trouble and immediately called me. I’m sure you think the twin connection is bullshit, though. ”
“While there isn’t any actual scientific evidence to back up the psychic connection between twins, I’m smart enough to know that some things can’t be explained. Many twins describe similar experiences. Whatever you want to call it, what you and Gianna have is an exceptional relationship.”
“She’s always been my best friend,” I say hoarsely. “Not many people have truly accepted me as I am.”
“Has Ella accepted you?” Josh inquires.
“I think so. I guess? Now everything is jumbled up in my head, and I don’t know what to think. Maybe I made up our entire connection. Where I thought we were moving forward, but she was fighting our relationship. If she is pregnant, and it is mine, why hasn’t she told me?”
“She may not be pregnant at all,” Josh comments. “I don’t want you to get ahead of yourself here. Everything is hearsay until you speak directly with Ella.”
“I don’t think I’m in a good mental space where I can talk to her. I’ll end up yelling.”
“It’s good that you recognize how you may react. That’s growth.” Josh pauses when Gianna walks back into the living room. “Do you want someone to stay with you tonight?”
“I’m staying whether he likes it or not,” Gianna says pointedly, raising one eyebrow in a defiant gesture that looks so much like our mother it makes me laugh.
“Alright. I’ll touch base tomorrow. I’m here to help you work out some talking points, questions, or whatever you need. Once you speak with Ella, I’d like to meet so we can discuss things, and see how you’re feeling.”
I nod numbly as Josh slaps me on the back, then watch as Gianna walks him to the door. When she returns, she collapses on the couch next to me, resting her head on my shoulder. “I don’t care what Ari thought she heard. I know Ella. She wouldn’t have cheated on you.”
“We haven’t laid out any parameters, so she’s well within her rights to be dating other people. I’m the one who assumed we were exclusive.”
“What if the baby is yours?” Gia asks.
I sigh, closing my eyes as I rest my head against the top of the couch.
“Then why hasn’t she told me? As fucked up as this sounds, it makes more sense for her not to tell me because it isn’t mine.
If it is mine, then I have to start asking why she doesn’t trust me.
Maybe she doesn’t see this long term. Or she might not want me in Oliver and Violet’s lives.
I’m not ready to find out any of those answers. ”
“Whatever the answers are, we’ll get through this, big brother.”
I hum noncommittally as the migraine meds finally take me into unconsciousness.