6. Chapter Six
Chapter Six
Kat
“You’re awfully quiet today,” Liz commented over our FaceTime connection.
I leaned back against the headboard, trying not to think about how differently this morning had been to right now.
I stared down at the neatly made bed, wondering which pillow had been Henry’s.
I could probably tell if I was crazy enough to sniff them. I wasn’t. I swore.
“You won’t let me say anything bad about myself, and those are the only things I can think of right now,” I mumbled. She also required honesty. So, I was. I really WAS trying. I just… wasn’t making a ton of progress. She sighed.
“Well, tell me what’s on your mind, but as neutrally as you can,” she offered. That was a pretty big bone to offer. I’d take it. I thought about how to say what I was thinking about.
“Well, I got some lovely voicemails today. Or, at least, I listened to them today. So, you know how I woke up alone in the hospital after five days, a Jane Doe, and Henry had been released two days prior? So, I knew something probably went wrong. But. Andrew thought I had just left. After dropping Henry at the hospital,” I started quietly. She was nodding.
“Okay, and did that feel truthful to you when you heard it? Or were you angry? Want to defend yourself?” she asked thoughtfully. A tear slipped down my cheek.
“Well, I was really upset. He said a lot of really mean things. That I don’t think I deserved, necessarily. So, I was angry. But I also… didn’t think I should defend myself. Maybe,” I admitted quietly.
“Why do you think that was? Especially if he was wrong, and cruel about being wrong?” she prompted. I hated when she did this. It seemed wrong that I was paying her, but I was the one doing all the damn work. But it had been this way since my dad died, and she’d helped me make a lot of progress.
“Well, I realized that maybe I… didn’t deserve the benefit of the doubt.
Maybe I didn’t deserve the mean words. But…
I had walked away before. Pushed Henry away.
Been cruel to do it. Even if I was trying to save him.
It didn’t matter. Only the end result mattered.
Henry woke up screaming for me and I wasn’t there.
That was all that mattered,” I murmured slowly.
She opened her mouth to reply, and I could tell from her facial expression that she was going to argue with me. So, I continued quickly.
“And then I talked to Tam. And she and Bex had thought maybe I had walked away. Since it had been five days. And they couldn’t find me.
They kind of hoped I hadn’t, I guess, but weren’t really sure what else it could’ve been.
Since Andrew had helpfully let them know that ‘Kat Brooks’ hadn’t been admitted to the hospital.
Because they hadn’t known who I was,” I finished bitterly, a sob breaking free.
“Kat. First, I am very glad you believe you didn’t deserve the cruel words.
But you think because of your past actions you didn’t deserve the benefit of the doubt?
From your longest friends? And a new person who also claimed to be your friend?
What does Henry think?” she asked. That was way too many questions. I sighed.
“I have shown a pattern of abandonment when things get tough. To my friends, old and new. And I have no idea what Henry thinks. I haven’t asked him,” I said honestly. She was shaking her head at me.
“Kat, if you believe that, that’s probably why they do.
And that’s only going to keep you trapped in that same pattern.
If you believe that’s who you are, then you’ll keep creating self-fulfilling prophecy style interactions.
That is on you to change, Kat. You know that, right?
But you did NOT deserve those words or the name calling.
And you did NOT deserve to wake up alone in the hospital five days later, after everything it seems you did that night to get both of you out.
We’ll leave it there for today, okay?” she said firmly. I nodded.
I was still crying, like I always was after therapy.
She was right, it was on me. I needed to change the way I acted when things got hard.
I needed to not abandon people, and I needed to try harder.
Even when I’d given what I thought was everything.
It hadn’t been enough. And despite being owed a massive as FUCK apology for the name-calling, the no one will miss you’s, and everything else.
Andrew was right about one thing. I wasn’t owed the benefit of the doubt.
And I owed him an apology for that.