Chapter 13
“It was as if what I wanted to kill wasn't in that skin or the thin blue pulse that jumped under my thumb, but somewhere else, deeper, more secret, and a whole lot harder to get.”
Brooks
The Most Boring Place On Earth
When I heard the front door open, I had a moment of panic.
Was someone breaking in? Would I have to defend myself? I didn’t have any weapons unless you counted a couple of sword replicas from my favorite shows, which weren’t really sharp. Maybe waving one around would scare them off.
“Brooks?”
“Oh my god,” I said as I left my room. I dropped my elbows onto the island and perched my chin on one hand. “I thought you were here to cut my throat and steal my diamonds.”
Tilian quirked a perfect brow. How did that make him look angelic?
“You told me to just come in when I got up here. Do you have diamonds to steal?”
“No, those are trash. To be honest, I don’t have very many things, so my apartment isn’t the most lucrative spot for a burglar.”
“Damn. Guess that foils my plans. I’ll have to call off the guys.”
I ran my teeth over my tongue and my lips pulled up. “Sneaky, sneaky. I like it.”
“I really don’t know what the fuck you are.”
“A lizard person, obviously.”
“Seriously.”
He matched my position and leaned forward. I looked at his lips for a moment. He had that perfect facial structure that was both delicate and strong in certain ways. I thought about my other friends and wondered why this one appealed to me so much.
Kai was like the poster child for a sports magazine- tall, broad, and roguishly handsome. He made you want to be cherished by him and thrown against a wall to be manhandled however he pleased. West was beautiful like some fucking elven king and Sen was the boy next door with a splash of chaos. Tilian looked like he’d walked straight out of an anime. When he was feeling mischievous, he became the villain we all couldn’t hate.
Now, he was here in my kitchen. And he was studying me with enough curiosity for me to build the perfect, easygoing expression.
“What makes you tick?” he asked.
“If you want the technical answer-”
“No textbook anatomical shit,” he interrupted, cutting his hand through the air.
“That’s what I’m good at.”
“I know. That’s why I’m asking. Peel away school and all of the impressive hats you wear. What’s underneath?”
A smirk settled on my lips. “You think I’m impressive?”
His eyes rolled. “Answer the question.”
“You’ll have to take me on a date if you want to find out.”
He grunted in annoyance. “Is this one of those friendships where we hang out but never talk about serious stuff?”
“Is that how you want it to be?”
“No. You’re a secretive person, so I’m just assuming.”
I frowned down at my hands. “Secretive is a stretch. Regardless, I think it’s cool to let things fall into place in whatever manner they choose. I won’t force anything and I won’t resist it either. Whatever happens, happens.”
“Cool, I guess. I’ll just have to brainstorm ways to force things to come up ‘naturally.’”
A genuine smile rose to the surface. “Wreak havoc, buddy.”
My phone started ringing and my eyes closed. The song gave away who was calling and it was the last thing I wanted to deal with right now.
“Give me a sec.”
After offering him a wink, I headed into my room. I locked the door, then dropped onto my bed and put in my earbuds.
“Hey, Mom.”
“Brooks, it feels like you’ve been silent for ages.”
“Does it?” I asked tonelessly.
“Yes. I sent you the information for a professor at your school. Ms. Whitlock."
"Yeah, I saw the text.”
“Did you talk to her?”
I chewed on the inside of my cheek. When I didn’t answer after a few seconds, she huffed.
“She’s a big part of the law school there,” she informed me in a sterner voice. It was one she could easily pull out when she was destroying someone for the benefit of whatever corporation she was representing. Generally, they’d wronged the person somehow, but hey, at least my parents made ass loads of money while they crushed people beneath their designer-clad feet.
“I know.”
“You need to network, Brooks. Once you graduate, you’ll be working under us, but you still need to build relationships and that starts now…”
I continued to listen to her, but I retreated from active consciousness. Mindlessly, I reached into my nightstand drawer. What I pulled out was cool to the touch, the metal smooth. It sent goosebumps down my arms.
Since I was wearing basketball shorts, it was easy to lift the leg to reveal my thigh. There were some marks there that were still a little red from the last time she called.
I trailed the tip of the needle over some of the fresher ones. They didn’t hurt much, but it was enough to make me wince. After I sterilized it, I grabbed a small jar of ink and set it up.
I pressed it against the skin on my thigh, then pushed it in. It used to draw an involuntary sound from me. Now, nothing escaped my lips, nothing to betray me and alert my mom to anything, not that she’d notice either way. She’d probably just keep talking.
I was silent as it pushed into another part of my skin right next to it. Silent, unreadable, the perfect mask to present to the world.
Pain didn’t matter. Exhaustion, sadness, loneliness…
All of that shit had to be tucked away. They weren’t acceptable . They would affect how people saw us. It would tarnish our reputation. Clients would question our competence if we had the audacity to be human rather than ice cold robots that did their bidding and saved them from lawsuits that they’d earned.
“She’ll make sure you meet the right people,” Mom finished.
“I’ll meet with her. You’re right. Thanks for helping me out.”
“We’ll always support you, Brooks.” Her voice had softened, but the words didn’t do anything for me.
Support only went so far with them. When things weren’t about business, like during winter break, I loved being with my family. They were exciting and fun. During those times, I found myself wanting to spend more time with them.
Otherwise, they were like this. If I wanted to do anything else with my life, they’d throw support to the wind.
They’d be on my side as long as I did what they wanted. They’d applaud me for chasing my dreams if they aligned with their own. They would make sure I had everything I could ever want- if I became them.
“I’d really like it if you went to get your hair cut,” she went on.
My teeth ground together. “I’m sure she won’t care about it.”
“Brooks, we’ve talked about this.”
“And I told you I’d cut it before I graduate.”
She sighed loudly. “Well, you know how we feel about it. There’s really no point holding onto some hair.”
“It’s just hair,” I said as calmly as I could.
“That’s exactly my point.”
“Yours is long.”
“You know that’s different.”
I wanted to ask how, but it wouldn’t do any good. “I’ll let you know how the meeting goes.”
I ended the call and looked down at the shape I’d started the other day. In my head, I’d seen a crescent moon. Right now, it was only some linework. The constant throb as I cleaned off the needle helped me gain some clarity.
When I was done, I ran my fingers over the new ink. I liked when the skin was still raised. The feeling of the marks as I caressed them was like skimming my fingers over the pages of a book with beveled edges. I loved those.
It was art, regardless of what caused it. Maybe that made it more meaningful or something. The precision of it, followed by the pain, was comforting, especially when I had conversations like that with my parents. It was also something they wouldn’t approve of, but they couldn’t see it. It was an imperfection, a flaw in the perfectly crafted replica of them. They couldn’t do a single fucking thing about something they weren’t able to discover. In a way, it made them powerless. Without even knowing it, they were flawed too.
As long as things stayed put together everywhere else, I could keep this.
Perfect, perfect, perfect.
I slapped a bandage on the puncture wounds. For shits and giggles, I pulled the tie from my hair and let it be free, even though the curls were definitely a bit of a mess right now. After I changed into a pair of sweats, I threw open my bedroom door and went out to find Tilian.
He was staring out the window, looking a little ethereal with the sunlight streaming in to light up his golden hair. When he turned to me, I licked my lips and leaned back against the island.
He raised a brow and I offered him a light smile, then let it drop when he returned his attention to the window. Even though he was here, the place still felt big and empty.
My nostrils flared as I looked at the empty sink, then the spotless coffee table. I moved to the entryway where my shoes were lined up on the rack.
Perfect, perfect, perfect.
The pain in my thigh throbbed and I unclenched my fist.
I wondered what Tilian liked to eat. While I thought about it, I pulled a jar of pickles from my fridge and fished out the biggest one. When its taste exploded on my tongue, I second-guessed whether I believed in God.
“That’s the most stoner thing I’ve ever seen,” he laughed as he joined me.
“This is the most stoner thing? I had a friend who climbed a tree one time because he wanted to know how owls felt up there.”
“What was the verdict?”
“He said they’re pompous assholes who look down on the world.”
“Makes sense,” he said with a laugh.
I held a pickle out to him and he immediately took it, so apparently, I wasn’t the only weird one here. As it passed his lips, my mind went to dirty, dirty places. When he met my eyes, I wondered if he could tell.
Not for the first time since coming back from New York, I considered finding someone to sleep with. It just didn’t sound appealing every time I thought about it. Looking into those blue eyes, though, made me wonder how lovely he’d look in my bed, with his light hair contrasting the black sheets.
“Why are you looking at me like that?” he asked.
“Trying to decide what kind of boyfriend you need.”
“You’re still on that?”
“I’m not a quitter. Don’t tell me there’s nobody you’re interested in. You have all of Seattle to choose from.”
He leaned more of his weight on the counter and stared at me. “Nah.”
“Nobody?”
“Not anyone who’d be interested in me. It’s not like Linc would choose someone like me.”
My brow raised. “Is that who you’d go for?”
“No, it was just an example. Getting rejected isn’t on my list of fun things to do with my life.”
“Sometimes, you have to shoot your shot. Never know until you try.”
“Yeah, maybe, but never finding out is better than getting hurt.”
“Getting hurt is an unavoidable part of life. You can let it catch you by surprise or grab it by the throat and take control. The law of probability would suggest things will go your way at least some of the time.”
He looked down at the counter with the ghost of a smile on his face. “I’m the one who likes being grabbed by the throat, remember?”
I was pretty sure this man was trying to seduce me without even knowing it. It was time for some emotional walls to be built.